I See A Lot Of Grown People, But Not A Lot Of Mental Growth.

Hello everyone,

I know it’s been FOREVER and day, this website layout has changed a bit as well. When was the last time I talked to everyone, was it 2019? Obviously, a lot has changed since then. I hope everyone is doing well, physically, mentally, socially and spiritually. Congrats to everyone who made it through the Pandemic and are still here. My condolences to those who have lost a loved one due to Covid 19, or due to the rapid increase violence in this country. I’m not sure when the last time was that I posted within 2019. So, I guess in true Recie fashion, I’ll give an update.

I dropped / blocked both Pen Pal Ryan of seventeen years and my former bff of the north of twenty something years out of my life. I just go to a point where I was dealing with my own severe depression and self-esteem issues and getting off of bad medication that was clearly having an effect on me. I couldn’t deal with their toxic bullshit anymore, it was at that point of, “I want to get better and you’re both poisonous to me”. So, I blocked them, it was not like I didn’t give them warnings that I was getting tired of being treated a specific way, but you know how some people are that get way too comfortable in their positions and believe because they have been there for so long you won’t kick them out your life and then you do. And they circle back around but you are quick with the blocking. This happened back in September 2019, I haven’t spoken to the since and have zero intention of ever doing so.

Then the Pandemic happen in late February- Early March, pretty sure I had Covid in that February, I still say I caught it from a hospital I had an interview with-didn’t get the job (They wanted me to talk up what office job would mean to me, they basically wanted me to make it sound like I would live and breathe for this job. I was like, “I know you want a more colorful, insightful answer. However, I feel this question is better suited for someone who has worked here for at least six months who can give an honest authentic analysis of this job. For every business is run different, and I don’t think I can give you the answer that you want based solely off this paper, we all know how a job is described on a paper isn’t the same as actually working it. Needless to say, their smiles dropped I could tell I lost the job, honestly, after sitting in that waiting room for a while, I wasn’t feeling it. But I did get one question right, the question was: “Where do you see yourself in five years from now?” I said, “not here” and that was true; obviously, I said it in a more polite Fromal way, citing growth and development and wanting to take my newfound knowledge and skill and pursue other avenues. Working in an office at a job I don’t love for thirty plus years is not my dream. I did a lot of cleaning and sanitizing during those couple of weeks I was really sick and somewhat bed ridden, my family didn’t even notice. During that time my brother was a total hypochondriac this was also when his social media platform really took off, and that is when I experience financial abuse. I asked my mom for help with my credit card debit. To recap, I left my job in March of 2018 due to health reasons, I applied for disabilities-didn’t get it, despite having my issue for well over ten years. During that time, I quickly blew through my savings (I was paid minimum wage- I never worked a job that I ever made a living wage, even when i was full-time.) I asked my mom for some help, she went to my brother (I didn’t go to him because I knew he would say, “No” laugh in my face and make me feel like scum of the earth asking for help. So, he helped but in exchange he has felt the need to constantly berate on the daily, step into my personal space, telling me that I’m, “worthless, I’m a burden when I’m alive, and I’ll be a burden when I am dead, and do I know why? because mom would still ask him to help pay for the funeral.” I had to deal with those unprovoked comments on the daily. Mind you this is the same man, told me I am “nothing” and during that time I was working and I had to go to work during a snow storm and almost got into a few accidents due the roads being so horrible, “You should have road the BUS, YOU COULD HAVE TOTAL THE FUCKING CAR, WHY YOU COULDN’T RIDE THE BUS, AT LEAST THIS WAY IF THE BUS GOT INTO A HORRIBLE ACCIDENT AND YOU DIED, WE COULD HAVE GOTTEN COMPENSATION, WE WOULD HAVE MADE SURE YOU WOULD HAVE HAD A DECENT FUNERAL, HOW CAN YOU BE SO FUCKING SELFISH! THIS COULD HAVE BEEN OUR TICKET OUT OF HERE!” Mind you he said a lot of his kind of crap to me in front of my mom, who allowed it, because now that my brother was making more money, “He finally feels confident in himself.” Me: “At being abusive?” Now that he was the breadwinner, he had no problem with showing this side of himself, I had always seen it as a kid, but he would code switch when adults were around, and they just assumed I was, “being jealous of my brother.” Now he was being way more vocals in putting down others particularly the women in our family, I hate how quick he is to call my aunt the B word, and my mom just listens quietly and laughs. I’m like how are you okay with him calling your younger sister that? You know she said, she didn’t hear the word; like homeboy did say the word with his whole chest. I’m like, despite your current feelings towards your sister now, that woman has rocked with you through a lot, has helped you out in helping to raise us. He’s way too comfortable with disrespecting women. He’s really been laying into mom for the past few years, part of me wants to feel bad for her, but the other part is like, “You literally created this monster. All your years of preaching misogyny, your hateful comments towards women, you and other women like you, are now seeing the fruits of your labor. Did you really think your monster wasn’t going to turn on you? Did you really think he wouldn’t get to that point that; ‘women‘ includes you as well, and now you too are seen as a weaker, dumber inferior sex in his eyes.” Part of me feels bad like 2% of me, but the other part me doesn’t feel bad, it’s about time she gets to experience the crap I have had to endure for decades. She tried to get on the whole, “How real men act.” To which I replied, “He is real, he is a man, and how he is behaving is in accordance with the men of today’s society. what you mean is you want him to behave like a gentleman. But he wasn’t raised like one. This is who he has always been, you’re just now seeing it. He still looks down upon anyone who doesn’t have a hundred-grand in their account at any given time. But he clearly has a lower regard for women.

So, the past couple of years I have dealt with severe depression, at one point in true venerability (this was back when I still had my office job- and I actually was suicidal) I admitted I had depression, and I was hoping he could recommend me a good therapist since he was currently seeing one. The look of pure disgust he gave me, and he looked me up and down with contempt before saying, “No you’re not depressed, I GO TO THERAPY, I TAKE PILLS! YOU…YOU’RE JUST SAD.” Needless to say, I knew at that moment, he would never grow as a person. I remember in our youth of him saying, he had gone to an adult for help for depression and no one believed him. And now here he is decades later same situation but with the roles reversed, this was his moment to break his karmic cycle and he chose to not do it. (I honestly believe his depression is his identity and he doesn’t know or want to know what he would be like if he didn’t have his issue as his crutch.) Naturally being rejected in such a vulnerable state, I self-harmed again, he showed concerned for about five minutes then went back to being his horrible self. That’s when I legit stopped caring about my brother. I don’t think there is a word to describe the contempt I feel for that man, it’s…an interesting level of, “Doneness. Of his whole existence” I have for this man; I want absolutely nothing to do with him there is nothing he could ever do to redeem himself in eyes. That man has made it clear since day one of me being on this planet he does not want me around. I don’t think it’s so much me he doesn’t like, but rather, what I represent. I am all the things he could never be; I may not have the money he has or whatever accolades he may have but there are things I do have and that I am capable of:

I have friends, I’m sociable, people generally like being around me in person, I get along well with other. I’m dependable, I have no problem with helping others out without expecting anything in return. I find him to be far more Negatively emotional in his decisions and approach to life whereas, I am more level-headed. He walks around with an air that clearly says, “He has something to prove.” Whereas with me, “I’m Me, this is me and i’m okay with that. I don’t walk in a room looking for competition. I’m just here to do my job and go home.” I feel like there is an air of genuine confidence I have that he doesn’t. I feel like his confidence is driven by the need to belittle others to make himself feel better. As with me I am okay with my oneness, I don’t feel the need to compete with anyone. It bothers him that I smile and still stay my bubbly self, even when the situation isn’t that great. I try to find the silver lining in everything, because I know there is a lesson to every situation, and I know that irks the hell out of him. He was miserable when he was broke, and despite having more now, he’s still miserable, and it just kills him inside to not see me crumble. It’s like I have a superpower he knows he will never possess in this lifetime. Refusing to be his audience when he does his tirade, I know really grinds his gears. Overall, I am just a better person (my character) than him, it’s kind of like the whole Lex Luthor Vs. Superman dilemma. Despite all that Lex has accomplished and done, no one is cheering for him. Because he’s self-absorbed everything he does is pure self-interest, he may say he’s doing it for others but really, it’s all for him. Why do people like Superman? He’s generous, he shares what he has, helps were he can. he’s charismatic people like being around him. He never makes anyone who doesn’t have powers feel less than. He’s not going out of his way to get attention, Lex does. His kryptonite towards me is to throw my faults in my face, but even that is not working anymore because I have made peace with it. I’m like okay, should we talk about your time with the juvenile court system due to stealing? Should we talk about the times you stole from this family, sold the items and kept the money for yourself? Should we talk about how mom covers for this day, “He doesn’t steal. like he didn’t steal her credit cards in the past and buy things.” What the else do you call taking something that isn’t yours so you can sell it for money? – I swear the toxicity is ingrained deeply.

Over the past years, one of the hardest things I had to go through/ accept was giving myself permission to simply let go of this ingrained idea that my life needed to look a certain way, that my goals needed to be accomplished by a certain time and that there was this competition aspect with my fellow peer group. It took a lot to accept, that’s not my path. The odds were never in my favor for that path. It’s thought to see others thriving when you are not, and life decides to throw a shit storm your way, and you’re force to deal with a lot of karmic baggage and dark nights of the soul. There was a lot of mental and spiritual internal work I had to do. Unfortunately, with that type of journey there is no physical or material item you can show for your own internal success. It’s like being a main character at the end of a horror movie, they’re bloody, dirty, their clothes are all tattered, the look on their face says, “I’ve been through and seen and heard some shit you wouldn’t even believe. But I’m here. I’m still standing, forever changed; I’ll never be the same again. And now I have to navigate this new normal.” The level of maturity I have reached, the level of unbotheredness and wisdom I have gained. These are priceless gifts but at the same time, it’s a very isolating experience because I know there are so many around me who are not at that level despite their age. And I am learning to accept, if they haven’t learned “it” by now, they won’t in this life and that is where the disconnect is between me and others. There’s going to being a little PTSD from that (from that clusterfuck of shitshow that has been my life for ten years- I wish I knew better words to describe the last ten years, but unfortunately, I do not, there are no other words to describe the magnitude of “What the hell was that?!”). (Honestly, I think we all have a little PTSD from life). My greatest accomplishment was to let go, and stop fighting the current, get off the pills that were making me have self-harming tendencies, giving myself permission to leave, just the power in that alone, leave the room, the conversation, the person without feeling like I have to give an explanation. These motherfuckers didn’t care about hurting me, so why should I care if they get offended. They start up on the bullshit, and I go on autopilot, and I leave. Honestly, I never felt better, others have told me they feel very dismissed by my actions. Honestly, I am A Okay with that.

I got back on medication this year (I finally got a chance to see a doctor, i pushed back seeing one due to Covid, and then when did apply for an appointment, it was pushed back); it’s been a bit of trial and error with the new drugs. I learned Triptans are not for me at all and have a negative effect on my condition. I told my doctor I didn’t want it and he’s like, “Let’s just try it; it usually works.” I had mentioned how I reacted in the past to triptans and how that triggered my hemiplegic migraines. One of the pills in the past said on the medication form, “People with Hemiplegic migraine shouldn’t take this.” the newer medication my doctor gave me, on the medication list it said it was similar to the medication i had taken in the past. This one gave me a similar reaction to the others but this time, it affected my ability to walk, it felt like there was gel between my joints making it very hard to move, my arms and legs became very stiff and heavy, my body felt like it was on fire internally. I had to stay standing during that painful process, something told me, if I didn’t stay standing for this duration, I wouldn’t be able to walk ever again. So, when I saw my doctor again, I told him NO MORE TRIPTANS, I got put back on topiramate. which I know works for my migraines, I just can’t keep food down, which I had gained some weight so i wasn’t mad about weight loss. Before those two drugs I was placed back on a blood thinner which in the past had done nothing for me, and I told him that and he’s like, “let’s give it another try.” I have been through a lot of medication, why these idiots thought it was a good idea to go back on stuff that doesn’t work I don’t know. Finally got to see a neurologist and new person this time, and now i’m on Ajovy. I do hate injecting myself with a needle but it’s the only medication i have been on where I feel normal, where I don’t have a side effect. Normally my pain level is at a 6-7 and now it starts more at a 4. I have a pill I take when I feel nauseous and that knocks me out like a tranquilizer and left recovering from feeling drowsiness afterward, and i use another pill when it’s just pain but no nausea, which is like a stronger ibuprofen. But if I take it too often, I end up with a rebound headache. Because that’s what NSIDs do, I think I can take three pills within 24 hours with hours between them as needed for my migraines. so, if it’s a migraine that’s been going on for over four hours, like sixteen. There is the chance it would end, but then a few hours later I would have migraines again because the body doesn’t like having too much NSID. I see my neurologist in September so I shall see if there is a better alternative pill, I can take with the Ajovy. Ajovy is making me a little better, some days the duration is small, which is great. usually, mine last for 24-36 hours. so, if I’m only dealing with something that is 6-8 hours that great. Honestly, it bounces back and forth with duration depending on the migraine and I still have sensitivity to light and smell, Ideally, I would rather have two shots instead of one, I think that would be just the right amount of medication, but from what I’m seeing, they either give it in one shot or three.

There was a chip incident a few days ago, with my brother eating my chips, it’s one thing if he had poured himself some and left me some, but he took the whole new unopened bag to his apartment. So, I had to get up the very next day and go buy a new bag. So, I asked to be compensated for the chips, because he clearly went and took them for his girlfriend. I don’t know this woman, haven’t met her and my brother keeps a messy house. It’s not sanitary, so i didn’t trust eating from the same bag. So, I asked for $2.24 back. You know this man sent a long text message, about the Credit Card debit he paid for (which i never asked him to do that, mom did. Which I thought she had already paid him back) He went on about possible jail time for not paying (He doesn’t even mention, part of the reason I went in debt was helping out this family. All the times I had to put gas in the car because he’s the type to use up all the gas-he does not believe in refilling a tank and he won’t let you know it’s close to empty. What was I supposed to do it was too late to grab a bus at that point. Buying the washing machine- mom was supposed to pay off, she paid $50 towards it once and that was it. The time mom was on food stamps and bro wasn’t working but I was, and she didn’t check her EBT card (even though I told her multiple times to do that before we leave. I helped her out with the groceries numerous times, because her EBT card declined because they didn’t release the fund (what were we supposed to do starve?) And I did not get paid back. That $508.20 part of the bill was due to me buying glasses and contacts out of pockets because I lost my full time benefits due to having to call out because I had hurt myself on numerous occasions at my job and i needed to recover (My only regret is I should have taken myself to the hospital and filled Workmen’s Compensation before losing my benefits, I figured no one would believe me being in pain, because people usually dismiss my feelings. I should have gone to the hospital and filled anyway.) That’s the one thing that irks me about the credit card debit, I have nothing to show for it. It’s one thing if I had legit been splurging on myself but I wasn’t. Let my brother tell the story all I did was waste money. I also had to get the glasses because I slipped on a show bank trying to get home at night, I was downtown it was like 10:30 or 11pm (winter time), it was snowing it was cold, I didn’t want to freeze waiting forty-five minutes for a bus, so I chose to walk over the bridge, in the street and when a car came I had to climb up on the snowy hill side walk, the roads had a lot of ice on it and I didn’t want to risk getting hit in case a car slides. Well, a car came driving pretty fast, and I quickly pivoted myself over the snow barrier, at the time my glasses were in my pocket due to the wind and falling snow making visibility hard to see any way. but when I fell, I lost my glasses, and it was really hard to see stuff with snow falling at the rate it was and the wind. It didn’t help i fell in a dark part of the sidewalk where the lamp post wasn’t. MIND YOU, this man (my brother), has a mustang, he wasn’t working during this time, he knew I was coming home late, he never once offered to take his car and come get me. His thought process was, no one came to get him when he was younger, why should someone come get me. I remember being, in the minivan when mom picked him up from work at night as a teen. Never mind, he’s 5’10 and male walking at night, versus my 5-foot female statue. He tries to make it seem like the dangers are the same. The level of danger is not the same. If he gotten off his ass that night and came and got me (I was only about 3-4 minutes away by car), I wouldn’t have lost my glasses and I wouldn’t have had to replace them. How hard is it really to be a brother that wants to make sure his sister comes home safe at night? It angers me to no avail to be placed in such a villainous role when I am clearly a victim. My mom yell at me when she found out, apparently, I should have waited outside in a snowstorm for about forty minutes instead of trying to get home as soon as possible (the side I needed to be on for the bus had no shelter). I’m like, I am A WOMAN ALONE outside at NIGHT during a snowstorm, I’m tiny and not muscular, my tiny little ass would have gotten snatched up if someone with bad intentions had saw me. I still don’t understand what the fuck she was upset about, I’m the one who was dodging cars, I’m one who fell, I’m the one who lost their glasses and had to replace them. She got to ride in the car, so what was her problem? And then my brother mentioned the food bill (mind you I don’t eat that much, my mom pays half, and he pays half, I’ve been eating off her half, so I don’t know what he’s going on about. The number of times he has Kinckle and Dimed her about the cost of an item only to be told, “I paid for that, not you.” Just for him to be like, “Oh, well it’s still expensive.” So, i responding back in a calm eloquent way, that basically said, “I didn’t know YOU were struggling so much financially, if $2.24 is going to break you mentally, maybe you need it more than me. You’re this hung up stealing from the poor (that is what I am) clearly you are not as rich as you think you are. ” It was more of a read in between the lines type of thing. I can’t believe this asshole honestly wanted me to starve to death. I can’t believe a man who brags about his income constantly doesn’t have money to buy his own fucking bag of chips. He put money on the table, and then proceeded to steal the new bag of chips I had just bought that day, and this was after me saying he could keep the old chips I just wanted to be compensated for the new bag i had just bought. Thankfully, those off brand Doritos sucked ass and were extremely SALTY (just like his personality), so i hope they made his tummy very uncomfortable. Honestly, I look forward to the day, I can really get my shit together, pay this man his money. Honestly, I’m cutting all ties, they’re already cut mentally and emotionally.

I’ve gotten much better in my mental health, I don’t think I’m depressed anymore, there are traces of sadness here and there but it’s not depression. I still have my anxiety which triggers my OCD (especially when things are moved around without my consent, it really messes with my sense of security). Apparently, mom didn’t know I had that, which goes to show how people can literally live in the same house as you but know nothing about you. At this point, I’m like, “Lady, what information do you actually KNOW about me?”

On the bright side, maybe it’s just my state of mind but lately I have a feeling that change is in the air and that I will be leaving soon. It’s like I am mentally folding up and putting away / discarding the last of my emotional life baggage (it feels like my karmic debt is almost paid in full). It feels healing and relaxing, that feeling that inner knowing that “I will be okay real soon.” I’m curious to see what the universe will throw at me this time. Hopefully, something good.

Oh, and I won some tickets to see the haunted mansion, I plan on sharing them with friends and taking myself out for a movie matinee.

Also, during the past few years since 2018, I have written, two novels, one Autobiography, a collection of short stories. I wrote my first novelette and I’m doing another collection of short stories and what makes this collection different is, I finally wrote a story with a happy ending (the themes haven’t been so heavy). I struggled writing those types of stories, but I am finally out of my funk and can write happy endings now; stories that aren’t heavy. Which is a huge thing for me, once I am done with this collection I will try again with looking for literally agents, maybe I will have better luck this time around.

Well, I hope all of you are doing better than me, stay safe and stay well and trust and believe, it(life) really does get better…eventually.

I’m Not Seeing The Silver Lining…

Hello everyone and welcome back!

I know, I went MIA for bit and I’ve been gone longer than a hot minute! I’m gonna trust that everyone reading this has been having a far better time than me. I hope all of you have had great past few months, that you had a great week and are enjoying your weekend.  And if not, that totally blows and i hope it gets better real quick.

So here is a recap of what’s been going on with me: So there was a point that I had an ongoing migraine for a few weeks during that time my double vision increased and then i started seeing spots. You may recall the last time i posted i had mentioned that due to my migraines becoming sharper in terms of pain I had noticed that my vision was decreasing personally I think i’m going blind. I had also mentioned that back in March i had bought some new contacts and a week later upon wearing them for like an hour my vision would go blurry. I did meet up with my nurse practitioner who at the current time (this was back in June) had me on blood thinners, i would take the pill and feel my heartbeat slowing and my breath getting shallow,  it did nothing for my migraine and I had tried it for a month an a half before I was like “fuck it” i’m not taking this anymore. Because of pills I was sleeping more, and due to the migraines I wasn’t keeping food down, I lot a lot of weight I was down to 106 when before I use to be 125-ish. There was one random day when my mom went off on me, how it’s not normal to have a migraine for twenty days in row its not normal to keep food down or sleep as much as I was. Then she went on about my memory issues “You forgot who your family was and you forgot ALEX!” Not gonna lie I looked pretty ill. When i met the nurse she wasn’t happy that I didn’t stay on the pill as long as she had wanted me to (the fact sheet did say the pill could cause my heart to stop) Trust me it’s not fun driving then you feel your heartbeat slowing down. I told her let’s try something else I was adamant about it, but I also made it clear I needed something to break my migraine . The doctor normally provides steroids to do. (Word to the wise, if you’re dealing with ongoing migraine and your doc prescribes steroids to break- don’t follow the instructions to take all the pills, just take the pill until your break the migraine. You never know when you’re going to have ongoing migraines again it’s helpful to have pills left over. That and if you do follow the instruction and take all of the pills even after the migraine has been broken it can end up affecting you in some other way. For example the last time I had did that back 2008 I ended up with heart issues. When i spoke to nurse she told me” other patients experienced heart issues when they are on this for too long-that problem probably isn’t going to go away.”  I’m thinking “okay, that’s important information you should TELL PEOPLE before you let them have prescription. Take it when it’s broken (the migraine) not when the bottle tells you to stop.

So i’m now on different medication, I want to say the frequency of migraines did go down for a bit…but now they’re back up. I need to get a new prescription from the doctor to have them increase the amount in the bottle. The insurance said it needs to be a 3 month supply other wise they are not going to pay for it. Thus instead of $9 a bottle it’ll be $123.  The food situation has been a bit tough over here; so i have been focusing more on that versus medication. So basically i have two pills to my name, payday isn’t until Thursday and my head really hurts!  I wish i was able to get on disabilities, because this situation really is disabling. At work the Secretary makes fun of the fact that I like cold, cloudy days (you’d hate sunny days too if it caused you pain, this hot weather NOT HELPING MY MIGRAINES AT ALL. If anything I feel as though it increases them. She like to call me a vampire because of that. If i wasn’t in so much pain I think i would be insulted.( You wouldn’t make fun of a physical disability you can see so why make fun of of an invisible one)

As much as it might be sad to say; I don’t like being me, it’s not fun being in pain all the time, if it’s not memory loss, vision issues, not being able to keep down food, or overly sensitive to smells, sight, and sounds. certain medication affects me differently, for example although this new medication doesn’t make me hurl i feel as though when i’m on it too long, it affects my ability to walk and I get hand tremors. There are days I swear my right leg is useless, I swear my coordination and ability to hold things is going down. So instead of taking my pill everyday like i’m suppose to I only take it when I really can’t bear it.  It saddens me to see myself deteriorate like this.  You know one question that really irks me? “When are you going back to college?” When people ask me that I just want to scream “I’m NOT okay, whether it be physically or mentally to leave one stressful situation for another.”  I’m depressed and have been now for about two years, i’m hungry and i’m exhausted. I just want to cut ties with everything and go somewhere -be it up in the mountains or on some far away beach where there is hardly any people and simply….rest my wearily soul. I’d love to have that opportunity to simply: relax…eat…and …just focus on getting better

Sound about 3 weeks ago, I found out my aunt had gone missing. I didn’t know she was missing, one of the relatives called the cops down there and they broke into her home and discovered her dead next to the washing machine.  Unfortunately, I was unable to attend the funeral. I found out Wednesday morning since I was unable to go, wore all black to work as a sign of mourning. I recall the secretary saying to me “what…are you mourning the sun?” Here’s what i really wanted to do to her -> instead i replied “no…not at all.” And continued on my way, I saw no point in wasting my time with a childish person.  Mom was away for about week; it was just me and my bro. Not gonna lie, I was sad about my aunt; i liked her. But I was happy to have the house to myself. My mom is a negative person, so it was nice to not have that bad energy around me. And would you know it, the week she was out my quick pick tickets were winners I raked in about $35 she was out.  luck seem to be more on my side, and when my brother would come down with his negative energy, I put a quick stop to that. I refused to be his audience and he spent most of his time upstairs. Which suited me just fine. Then mom came home…with a bunch of stuff that we DID NOT NEED. like a fridge (we just bought one like 4 months ago, the fridge she brought back can’t fit into the house), a big screen tv, we neither had the space for or needed. I literally hadn’t watched an actually t.v. in over six months we don’t have cable there is no need. A washing machine from the 1970’s (you read that right) I literally bought a new washer 3 years ago. and she brought back clothes I would never wear (anyone who honestly knows me, knows how i feel about animal print and that I would never wear it. The clothes she brought were way to big) The one thing she should have brought back my aunt’s huge movie collection…you know what she told the other realtives “oh, my daughter doesn’t need it, she has more than enough movies!” Which is total bullshit my collection is actually pretty small, my aunt had tubs and tubs of movies,  and it’s one of my life goals to have a room filled with movies! (once again, this has proved my mother knows NOTHING about me.) She was offered cookbooks too for me to have, she told them I don’t cook from cook books…even i had to do a double take when i heard that one Thankfully my other aunt, whom i’m close with (because we’re so similar) let me ask ___ because I know she loves to cook.  Thank the lord, at least somebody thinks about my interest.  I also did some digging around as I was unpacking the stuff as my other family members took the Uhaul truck to storage to unload (which btw they went out and bought my bro food (that guy has a whole freezer FULL of food-his M.O is “that food requires me to cook and I don’t like to cook”-which is why he likes stealing my food. ) So i’m thinking to myself “ain’t this some sh*t, if anyone should have gotten the food it was me. And everyone was SO CONCERNED about him being upset because he had to “wake up from his nap” to help unload the truck. Mind you, I had a horrible migraine, I was hungry, and I was out there longer unpacking stuff before he decided to come help (if you call standing around complaining/cussing helping) I still don’t know why people kiss that man’s ass, and i had mowed the lawn and picked up all the twigs and raked the yard before they got there.  But his “feelings” were more important. So mom and bro came back by then I had literally unpacked the whole kitchen hallway area in the time they were gone (not an easy task, since a lot of that was heavy -but I was really proud of myself for accomplishing such a thing. It was about 8 P.M. and i had turned on the tank light to feed the fish, mom comes in sees the tank light on, my laptop on, and the desk light on. and complains about the electricity. Her attitude was on a ten when it really didn’t need to be. I could understand if the tank light had been on for hours…but five minutes was extreme! I didn’t understand why she took out all of her frustration on me. She went in the kitchen and commented on the filter in the coffee pot and why didn’t I clean it. (I don’t drink coffee but once a year if that…why would I think to touch her coffee pot?) So I asked, “instead of pointing out the one thing I didn’t do, why not give me credit for all the things I did do?”  Then she replied in a sarcastic tone “…oh…and what did you do?” So now,not only has my self-esteem been shot down by her yelling at me, now i’m annoyed that she would even insinuate I didn’t do anything of usefulness this week
So I broke it down for her: one, I took care of the ant infestation problem she left me with (i cleaned out that funnel that was lined with sugar that she left in the cabinet.) btw we had ants in the fridge- i didn’t even know ants could survive in there. Sprayed down the inside and outside with Raid.

Two, I wiped down the counters and stove-she left drink stains all over the counter, food and grease all over the stove.

three, I swept and vacuumed all the floors,

four, took out the trash.

Five, cleaned the the tub- you know I don’t think i’ve ever seen her clean the tub.

six-watered the plants.

Seven, I pulled weeds and mowed the lawn twice (my brother hates doing that),

eight,-changed the light bulb in the kitchen (getting that heavy ass ladder from garage to the house not easy but I did it!

Nine, I raked the yard (there was a part of the yard we left un-raked since last Fall and there were piles of matted leaves  filled with twigs and scraps from the blinds on my brother porch  that i know he sees clear as day but refuses to pick up).

You know after i mentioned all that I had did she had the nerve enough to say to me “That was you?!” as if she couldn’t believe it and honestly thought my brother would be that considerate to think of others.  Then she replies “well, thank you…but did you feed your brother?”   Now in my mind i’m thinking “I don’t really give a Fuck if he eats or not.” I replied confidently, “No I did not, he has FOOD. Now if he doesn’t want to cook it that’s on him.”  The way he spoke of our aunts passing was just deplorable.

Fast forward to this week, we went a little over 24 hours without power all the food that was frozen melted. when i had cooked with the food a couple of hours after power was back on I got sick off of it. This is food i had bought myself. I don’t trust the food mom brought back from my deceased aunt’s home because a lot of it dates back to 2013, I’ll never understand why she bother to just grab food and not check the date. My aunt had a habit of giving us expired food. That has always pissed me off, don’t give expired food to people and think of it as charity-throw that shit away.  So i’ve been living off my own food (I turned my mini fridge from college back on while she was away and I like cooking for myself. That and the idea of eating food my deceased aunt’s home just creeps me out So we had a day with the power back on, but there was a leaky faucet in the shower so I left a message for mom to see if she could check that. I came home 4 hours later with a bad migraine and I felt really dizzy/faint so I went to bed, when I woke up it was like 15 minutes until 11 P.M. I noticed the bather was quiet, i turned the knob to see if the shower is fixed – no water. something tells me to check the toilet, i noticed there is hardly any water in the bowl so press the knob-NOTHING HAPPENS. So i go and ask her what’s up. and she tells me that she turned off the water-and has this whole “an the issue is what type of tone/vibe to her”.  Now my issue is it’s 90 fucking degrees outside, we don’t have AC and not to gross out my readers but it’s that time of the month-i need access to working toilet. It’s not like I can turn of functions to my body. I can’t just call up Mother Nature and tell her “Yeah…the water has been turned off and I have no access to a working toilet and because bro has his GF upstairs i’m not allowed up there but he can his greedy ass down whenever he sees fit…but i digress do you think we can reschedule your visit say like in November?” She told me to fill up a water basin if I needed the toilet. so at this point it’s eleven at night and i’m like Fuck it, I’ll go to walmart and use their toilet-it was so disgusting in there! I can’t even be mad at the cleanup crew although I do think they should circle around three times throughout the day. I blame the disgusting ass customers, people should get charged for doing disgusting stuff to public restrooms.  So lately, i’ve been cutting back on eating-because eventually i’d have to crap and if the toilet doesn’t work the point is very moot. And I try not to drink any liquids unless i’m at work where there are plenty of toilets that work. So, since i now know which valve turns on the water, I wait until mom is at work, turn that water back on use the toilet and the shower (bad part about the shower the water goes from scalding hot to ice cold!!!)

I really don’t know where all this bad luck is coming from…It just feels like I keep getting hit with one wave after another of bad karma. I do try to stay positive…but it’s hard too when it’s one thing after another…

 

Taking a Break Doesn’t Have To Be a Bad Thing

Hello, everyone and welcome back. Heads up, this post is not going to be a rant but rather an update.

I’ve been doing some thinking when it comes to my health and between the doctor appointments and bills. I have become exhausted. And i’m leaning towards stopping my treatments for my migraines/memory loss and going to the dentist. It’s been awhile since I got to enjoy a paycheck (I get paid once every two weeks and always schedule my appointments on my pay day.) after coming back from the doctors today I discover that I scheduled two appointments for the same day at the same time. for August 22. There is a part of me that wants to cancel both and just relax for awhile. There comes a point where you get tired of doctor appointments, same old questions, test results-especially when things come back negative. Pills-sure it helps with the migraines but now you’re having digestive issues on top of nausea and vomiting thus you’re losing weight etc. Same could be said about those pain pills the dentist superscribe after a filling . You get tired of feeling like a lab rat, you’re wallet gets exhausted. after all of that, can I honestly say I feel better? Besides there are no cure for the migraines, and I want to have a pay day where I treat myself to some food and it doesn’t hurt to chew. For the past week, I’ve been in pain, it feels like my intestine are cramping, with the occasional chest pain. But even stranger are my kneecaps. Specifically my right one, it’s in pain all the time. some times it gets so bad I can’t walk. As for the Left one, there’s pain with that one but not as bad as the right the only other difference is my toes go numb on that foot. I feel exhausted. physically, emotionally, spiritually as well. I was talking to my friend earlier and she suggested dating (she just will NOT let that go) I’m in too much pain to want to date. Why would a healthy person want to be with someone who’s clearly sick?

Despite, other people’s opinion about my medical needs. I don’t think it’s such a bad thing to just want to rest for awhile. I get what they’re saying. But at the same time they should understand; they are not the ones who have to do the testing, or have to take the pill or get the shot, or asked the same damn question over and over…I am. I’m allowed to be tired….exhausted. I’m allowed to take a break….

 

I Just Got Into My First Car Accident

Hello everyone and welcome back once again! Story time.

Today, was an eventful day. So I left the house early this morning to hit up the bank. While on my way, traffic was pretty back up; there I was waiting in in line, for the traffic to get moving the light was red, next thing I know I get slammed into. My first thought was “I did I just get hit….was that an earthquake?!” I’m looking around no one’s freaking out I look up into my rear-view mirror and I see a guy doing the whole “Oh F*ck!” and i’m like ” I just got..hit…i’ve never been in a car accident before I don’t know proper protocol, realizing i’m in the middle of the rode I pull over to side and put on my flashers, the guy follows suit. My first question to him is “Are you okay, is your car alright!” that seem to set a relax tone when he realized I wasn’t going to go off on him. Cars be fix and replaced people can’t. He says he’s fine, his car is fine he ask me about mine, we both take a look at mine, we don’t see anything. his car ended up hitting the spare tire on my car, I take off the cover to see if there is any damage to the spare tire. *gets embarrassed* years worth of leaves and dirt and god knows what else falls out. Apparently that’s what made the tire cover look so full, its also what took in the brunt of the impact. Me and the guy both laughed at that. we exchanged insurance information . Like we said to each other “I don’t think we’ll need it, but just in case. Fun Fact about me: I’m the type of person who will totally have her shit together in emergencies and about twenty or so minutes later will have a break down about it after the emergency is over. I have delayed effect. It hit me, I was in a car accident, especially since we had cars honking at us, we pulled over as much as we could and had our flashers on. I just wanted to scream don’t f-ing honk at me, i was just in a accident and i’m a little sensitive right now! As I went under the bridge that’s when I discovered they are doing road work so I can’t go on the side street where sefcu is. (>_<) Which means I’ll have to go on Albany ST (grrr) From the bridge onward, I just felt very out of it, I guessed the word “spooked” would describe it. Then there was that moment when I couldn’t find his insurance information, and then i’m like “wait did I grab it?” and i’m like “damn it, now is not the time to be having memory lapses” (If you have been reading my last few post, then you know for the past year that my short term memory has been declining, i’ve been alright for the past few weeks, but after today’s accident my short term has been excuse my language Fucked up. I blame it on me being a little shaken.. )as I was busy chiding myself, I came realize the direction I was heading was towards my old job and not my current job. So I turned around and went the right way. pulled into my work parking lot. and called someone I knew would make feel better. My best L, who was the only who bother to ask me if I was okay. Even after I her told I was ‘okay’ she  still reiterated “Well, i’m glad you’re okay.” I told my brother about the accident and his response was “did you tell mom? well I GUESS, I HAVE TO DO IT, SINCE this is going to end up coming to me anyway. we’re going to have to fall a claim. *in a condescending tone* you did bother to get the insurance information didn’t you? good…then you’re no fault.” (I’m thinking to myself, I’m the one whose emotionally NOT okay, must you take this situation and make it about you, yet again? I thought it was really weird, his main concern was where is the car, and when was I bringing it home, but not if I was okay, I thought it was weird he didn’t ask if I was okay. Well I guess not “weird” but hurtful; when he got into an accident last year it was a “big deal” I get into an accident the car is more important) I came home a few hours later, mom walked right past me, didn’t ask me how I was or if I was okay, she just went to the back of the car, and  inspected it. Turns to me and says “We only have one good car, where did this happen?) I got the feeling she was blaming me for this >=(. Neither bothered to ask if I was okay. I’m trying not to let this rub me the wrong way….But it rubs me the wrong way. This is NOT the first time a traumatic situation that has happen to me, and neither of them bothered to ask if I was okay. Not gonna lie, and excuse the language, but shit like this, really makes me want to come into a large sum and not give those two a damn thing. I know its not the “Christian” way to be keeping tally’s of every time someone truly does you wrong…..But I would be lying if I said majority of my life I wasn’t keeping tally.

The bright note to all of this is, I did get my lottery ticket in the end (that’s the reason why I went to bank so early in the morning in the first place.)

I Think Reality Is Getting To Me…

Hello everyone, welcome back. Once again, I trust all of you have been well had a safe and wonderful fourth of July.

I think reality is getting to me, a little more so than usual. Try as hard as I may, I can’t help but be a little dejected about my future and well as my present. Sure there is a future I would love…LOVE to have but like that saying What if that future, I had envisioned for myself…i’m never gonna get? I feel as though I am perpetually stuck in neutral and i’m not sure how to move forward and quite frankly, i’m losing the drive to want to. Naturally, like most people I had an idea in my head on where I wanted to go in life and how I wanted to get there, but as i’m slowly, inching my way along…I can’t help but wonder “…is it really worth it all?” suppose I  manage to get my debt WAY down if not completely gone. The first order of business I have and want to do is travel, I crave knowledge that’s something only experience can give me ( a classroom and text book can only do so much). But part of me is hesitant, if I get a taste of that said “freedom”, I I can’t see myself being in a hurry to get back into debt. via student loans. (the false promise of a bright future solely based on a degree, doesn’t hold as much weight for me the second time around.)

I hate the heat, but I have a sudden need to move to the west coast, California. I want to learn how to swim and become a surfer girl. I want to go beach at least 3-4 times a week I have even considered getting *dramatic pause* box braids or dreds (if i’m gonna be in the water that much no use in perming my hair). I also want to take up snowboarding (I’ve always wanted to learn) I crave a more laid back life, with as little stress as possible. Oh to have the nice things in life, a roof over my head, the necessities, a kitchen filled with food, an endless supply of toilet paper, a car with a full tank of gas, a hand held radio and cooler with ice and cold soft drinks( everything paid for). Sounds like heaven Perhaps my tarot reading is right and I need to deal with reality more, I don’t think I’ve hidden from reality at all, if anything I think I have risen to the occasion numerous times. I’m just ready for something completely different. Lately, I’ve been entering myself into different travel contest to different parts of the world. I crave an adventure, I need something different from MY ordinary. Plus, trips are a great growing experience. I have a strong need to “break out” and just “go” it’s the whole “sink or swim”  “fly or fall”, I wonder if there is anyone else out there that feels the way I do. I need more than just a day trip I need at least 7-8 days away somewhere completely different. My current life, leaves me feel drain, broke, hopeless and quite frankly…I think reality is starting to get to me.

Nervous

Hello, everyone and happy belated fourth of July. I trust you were all safe as you were having fun over the weekend.

I guess, I’ll jump right into it…I’m nervous for today’s doctor appointment, after Months of waiting, i’m finally getting in to see the neurologist. Mom wants me to bring up the chest pains I get occasionally. I know my migraines which I have been having every day are an issue that need to be dealt with. But truthfully, besides my migraine my main concern is my memory issues. I mentioned in my last post that I feel like i’m running out of “time”, that is still true for me.

Originally posted by zero-void

My body has been in pain for awhile now, I feel like i’m getting worse not better. I’m tired of waking up in pain, and acting like nothing is bothering me. Last Tuesday the 28th, I got my wisdom tooth removed they gave me hydrocodone to help with the pain (they only have me six pills and advised me to take each pill with a Tylenol and Advil. I took mine with 2 Tylenol 650mg  so I was on about 1500mg of pills a day. before the wisdom tooth removal I was placed on amoxicillin (it really didn’t do much to stop the tooth problems-it was keeping me at night) and I have amitriplyn to help with my migraines 10mg (i’m use to 25mg)  My point being for the past while i’ve been in pain, and i’ve been taking a pill to help with that said pain.

Originally posted by o-rockstar

My medication provides me with very little relief; and uncomfortable side effects, like excitability -that leave me feeling jumpy, grogginess, dry mouth, bad breath, nausea, smaller appetite-(i’ve lost a lot of weight) treamors-that can be somewhat painful. Thankfully, the pain in my mouth is gone and so is the hydrocodone (it was known for putting me to sleep!) that’s one less pill I have to take. Because the doctor’s appointment is today, I opted to be off all medication for 24 hours, it’s been awhile since I had last been sober (in the sense of no pills -I haven’t had a drink in awhile either). To be honest, I feel exhausted although most of what I have done this weekend is sleep because of the medications. I feel aches all over and I have another migraine.(I hate the stabbing pain that comes with it.)

I’m rambling aren’t I? my apologies…the reason i’m nervous is because, what if after all this waiting, he does his test and finds nothing wrong with me, what if he tells me that my memory is fine, when I know it’s not? I have a history or doctors telling me i’m fine, when I know i’m not.

Originally posted by nunnita

Forgetting my DOB, having trouble signing my name (i’ve noticed over the past few weeks i’ve been having problems remembering how to spell my first name when i’m doing my signature. Thankfully, no one is pointing out “hey, you spelt your name wrong.” I’m fine with typing it, but when I have to write it…not so much. My spelling in general is getting worse, and one of my worst fears happened; forgetting how to drive while driving. I couldn’t remember how to stop the car as I was going over the bridge and coming up on the red light, after a few trial and errors with the peddles I finally got the right one-just in the nick of time. I’m still having issues remembering my passwords at work and some have been the same since I first started. The random feelings of confusion “what was doing…wait, why am I here.” It’s nerve racking to having those moments of confusion….All I want to do when that happens is retreat to someplace quiet and less stressful. But all I can do during those moments is try to calm myself down “take my time…it’ll come back to me soon…” and in a few seconds it does. It sucks when I can’t use my memory to back up what i’ve done. For I can’t be sure if I actually did it or not, I can’t rely on my memory. Like the time I wanted to cook bacon, I placed it in the pan, set the timer and turned on the oven.  Only to discover, yes, i put it in the pan in the oven, but I never set the timer and I didn’t turn the oven on let alone plug it in.  I had imagined I had done it when I didn’t.

Originally posted by sobasicallyree

About a week or so ago, I had a dream, that it was confirmed that my memory was declining as well as my health and my life expentancy had been shorten incredibly. I also came upon a small sum of money. so I decided to get my friends together and go on a girls trip. I didn’t tell them the true reasoning for the trip. For that would have been such a downer. We ended up meeting and making friends with some music group. I had promised the head guy I would go to his show, but my migraines and memory was really getting worse (to the point where I was seriously considering wrapping the trip up and putting myself into an assisted living home.) Needless to say, I got turned around and confused by my surroundings I ended up getting hit by a car. And would you know it; that’s when my memory decides to come back and remind me where I am and where I need to go to get to the concert. I declined going in the ambulance. I was in a lot of pain, coughing up blood. But I was determined to keep my word. I made it to the concert, security and rest of band commented on the fact that I look like I should go see a doctor. I saw the lead guy who was happy to see me and then commented on my appearance with worry. I shrug it off and and tell him “it’s just a migraine, of course I wouldn’t miss your show! go…the crowd is waiting for you…I’ll be alright…” He went out, I started coughing up blood to which other people noticed I asked them to get me an ambulance but not to disturb the show. Next thing I know i’m in a shared room, there’s a nurse and preacher and some other person on the other bed. and I remember saying “There’s no point in me getting comfortable, I won’t make it through the night.”Next thing I know the band is there, as well as my friends and I come clean on everything that has happen and the real reason for the trip.” I wanted to fill my last few months with happy memories, I figured although I won’t remember later, I was hoping that happiness I felt in each memory would stay.That and that photo album would help fill in the missing pieces.  Although, I was in a lot pain, I never felt more at peace, I had did what I wanted to do and had fun while doing it. Thus, I had no regrets.

Not sure what the dream is suppose to mean. But I hope I get some answers tomorrow as well as better migraine medication.

Time for an update

Hello everyone, and welcome back. I trust all of you have been well and are doing alright.

Work is sucky as usual, I’m falling behind on my loans, i’m confident I can get everything back under control. Mom says I should curb my spending. While i’m thinking, “you want me to stop buying food?” I hate that i’m in this position where it comes down to “pay the minimum amount in full or buy food to eat. We were at that point where the food stamp benefits ran out and we were all feeling the squeeze of their hardly being any food in the house. I don’t just buy food for the house, I buy toiletries, such as soap and toilet paper, trash bags. I hate how she makes it sound like all I do is spend on myself. Especially when she’s benefited from the stuff I have bought.

That and it would help if I wasn’t paid once every two weeks. which puts me behind in bills. Any who, hopefully I can get to lower their payments.

Also, I have been having memory issues for about a year now, and they’re becoming more frequent. It’s getting harder to retain information. For example, I’ve been having moments when I forget how to drive, or that time I couldn’t find a plate  and I was in the kitchen, it didn’t hit me to look in the cabinet-I went to my room, the fridge, the dinning room but couldn’t find a plate felt frustrated and confused for a good 5 minutes until I remember the plates are located in the cabinet. I do have moments when i’m totally fine and then I’ll randomly feel confused and unsure of what i’m suppose to be doing. I also had a moment when Iw as setting up an appointment to see the doctor where I forgot my birthday, I said March 24,1964, I remember thinking to myself that doesn’t sound right…wait was born in march?  then a few seconds later it comes back to me I’m born March 24,1989. thankfully, I was able to cover my mistake and blame it on the work day. I tire easily now, and the frequency of everything is increasing.

I tried telling my family, naturally my mom thought I was being overly dramatic  “You’re too young to have memory issues!”  My brother responded the same way, until I gave him examples of when I’ve been having issues. and just like that a light bulb went off in his head, he now watches me when he’s around and makes fun of my memory loss.

I’ve also been having constant migraines for the past couple of months. Finally went to the doctor, told her about my migraines and memory issues. to which she replied “The type of migraines you have, require you to see a neurologist to treat you. She did put me back on my old meds, but my migraines still come, she said it would take about 3 months to get in an see a neurologist, I called the next day  (I got lost on the way home from the doctors -my phone died so I didn’t have gps to get back, it took me a while to find my bearings.)  both secretaries were out of the office, the day after that got a call back, that the neurologist office need a script before they can schedule an appointment. called my ENT to ask for a script, its been 3 days now, I don’t think they sent it over.

Have you heard that new Pink song “Just like fire” , there’s that first line in the song that reminds me of myself “I know i’m running out of time.”  I feel like i’m running out of time, as my memory worsens, as these stabs of pain continue to the brain. I looked at the copy of the doctor visit and she thinks i should be checked for for anterograde amnesia. only my close friends, and i guess now all of you know what’s going on with me. It’s frustrating being me, forgetting something I should know the answer to, to have other assume I am not trying at all. Not having someone look at me say  “Hey, you did the best you could/ don’t get frustrated, take a deep breath and take your time; it’ll come back to you.”  

Okay, So The D.C Trip Was…Let’s Recap

Hello everyone, long time no see. I trust all of you have been well and life has been treating you nicely. I wish I could say the same for me so without any further ado, Let’s jump into the recap. You tell me if I am wrong for feeling short changed.

It started out as Murphy’s Law. Went to update the GPS then the GPS started having problems, had call the tech guy. While he was working on that, I went to work. Came back 4 hours later, packed up the car and as we’re driving mom is like “okay set the GPS to take us to D.C” That annoyed me, who starts driving without setting GPS first, it’s like what were you doing the last 4 hours? Couldn’t set it, so we had to turn the car around and come home and ask my brother to do. Took him 15 minutes to get it (apparently we weren’t the only ones having problems getting it to work.)….then got a little suspenseful the further south we went, the more cops we saw. We went to one bathroom that reminded me of a bathroom from a horror movie, then it got a little confusing. The GPS kept giving us the wrong directions, like it would tell us to turn right (when there was no right turn-if we had made a right we would have went off the side of a cliff. It was like the map was backwards and it kept dying at the most inopportune times after being charged 48 hours. we used the car charger and it still kept cutting off. we did use my phone, but that battery life sucks, the phone was better but my samsung would over heat and die too.-but I was going along with it and having fun We were on the road for about 7 hours. We stopped to get some gas once we got to D.C I got some lottery tickets, there was this woman outside the store trying to bum money off of people. went to the Holiday INN to find out how much their rooms were the lady was like “it’s $239 a night and the only room we have is the King suite (as killed a bug right in front of my mom with some paper looking unfazed. while mom looked freaked out), Next we went over to the Marriott that was right next door, which looked much cleaner inside, and got a double bed room for $189-which would end up being $224.10 when we checked out we had to pay 15 dollars for parking) Now when he aid $189 a night, I asked “Do you know what direction the Motel 8 is?” [I did my research and knew. D.C is overpriced that it’s better to get the hotel in Baltimore and drive 49 miles to D.C] Needless to say, my mother snores like a lawn mower, I kid you not, even here at our house I can hear her through the walls. So imagine me being about 2-3 feet from here having to hear that loudness. I couldn’t sleep, grabbed the sheets off my bed and went to the bathroom tried to sleep on the floor. The floor was cold and the sheets ultra thin, the floor was hard and bathroom had a chlorine like smell (there was chlorine in the water, needless to say, I got a little sick off that.) eventually i left the bathroom went sit on the bed and read the news via smart phone. and watched cops pull cars over left and right. D.C was on high alert there were signs everywhere if you see something say something. The morning of the 24th (my birthday) My migraine was getting worse, but I pushed that aside it was my 27th birthday all I wanted to do was have fun. Went breakfast at the hotel, had this Spanish family eyeing my mother’s purse (She left it in her chair) after the third person literally walk back and just stood there looking at it, I got up and put it in my lap. Told my mom when she sat down with her food. At one point (the same family) brought over eggs for the children, there was this loud “POP” sound as a cloud of yellow solid material flew through the air, the room got silent and then it hit, The kids took the eggs and made a catapult it hit the wall were me and my mom where sitting and landed in her hair. I noticed the look of shock on my mother’s face, I looked over at the kid’s mother’s and she didn’t give a damn, everyone else looked annoyed. Those who got hit were pissed and they gathered up their stuff and moved away. I pulled the egg of my mother’s hair and she’s like “Let’s go, I’ve had enough!” As we’re driving away she’s complaining trying to calm herself down, me I’m looking forward to exploring. we asked several D.C people about parking; but no one seem to know where the parking was. (I think mom took affront to that-as if its some big secret that no one wanted to tell her about.) I said let’s park on the street and pay the meter. We ended up in a garage. 0-1 hour =$11  anything more than an hour $22. and The parking lot guy leaves at 7pm. So we walked around, I was enjoying myself, seeing new things, and watching the people. I found the cops to be fully dressed for battle and little on edge (when you’re a tourist you’re going to look around. But they saw that as suspicious activity and either assumed we either saw something or were going to do something. But I always made it clear I’m here for the Smithsonian, I was all happy and smiles and had my guide book in my hand. And mom kept going on and on about the Hope Diamond. Mom found reasons to complain,”Why is there so much walking!, Why doesn’t anyone know where this diamond is? He’s a cop he should know where everything is! I’m annoyed, why is no one knows were the parking is, all these people and no one knows anything! I’m tired of walking….Didn’t they know I was coming to town, they should have had golf cart waiting for me to take me around! I came all the way down here from New York, the least they could have done was tell me the correct building to find the Hope Diamond in! why are a lot of these buildings closed? Don’t tell me we came during peak season for tourist. You know they really should have separate entrances for field trips, You know this art is really boring…..oh you like sculptors…they’re really not interesting…we can go in if you want to; but they’re really boring they don’t inspire me.  You know all this art is fake right? if it was real it would be behind glass like that one painting over there that comes with a security guard.” She sad that while we were in the museum; you could tell the people working there were annoyed with her. I could tell they were thinking “Yeah, the diamond is nice but we DO have other things here that are just as equally inspiring.” Seriously, if i hadn’t left her every time we went into a building, I would never have gotten to see anything. She found faults in everything. I just wanted to scream at her “ITS MY BIRTHDAY, MY DAY, NOT YOURS!”

then about 3-4 hours into my vacation, After our 4th building with the long wait, and the security check point (after being told by an officer the diamond would be in that building) only to get in and go up to the second floor and come across another officer this time a woman (who actually seem to know what she was talking about, she let us know that we were in the wrong building but very close, what we seek was literally right across the street on the second floor. by then moms attitude came out.  mom announced because she’s tired and can’t find the hope diamond (we looked through several buildings (i was enjoying the arts and having fun being in a new environment-she kept rushing me about that damn diamond asking every police officer she could about which building it was in-none of them seem to know) Finally she’s like “F-it, we’re leaving and going back to NYS (mind you she told me, before we left the trip that we would come back on Friday (I originally had scheduled Saturday, but then she invited herself and said Saturday wouldn’t work for her. Had I known, that after that 7 hour drive, she was going only give me 3-4 hours to walk around and see the sites I wanted to see and then take me home. I honestly wouldn’t have went on the trip. To me that’s not a vacation that’s a tease. I didn’t even get a gift or a souvenir from D.C, I didn’t get to visit China Town (although there were a lot of Asians everywhere, I didn’t get to try sushi or sake.I didn’t get to see the MLK statue,Einstein, or Lincoln statue or SPY museum and those were the highest things on my to do list. All she went on about was the hope diamond, and how that place had too much walking, how she was from NY and they should have golf carts to take her around, and how it isn’t right that she’s not from there any time she asked someone for directions they had no idea where anything was. You could tell the cops were a little annoyed with her. You could tell they were thinking “This is walking city, people walk here.” As we were driving back she’s like “oh come on, you look like a kid who had to leave the playground before you were ready, D.C wasn’t that great it was a waste of time.” Internally, I was screaming and crying. I really didn’t want to go back to my reality, it wasn’t fair…how could she does this to me. All I wanted was 48 hours away from my reality. Just some time and room to fucking breathe, But no she invited herself; not only to diamond but because she didn’t believe I could do the drive myself. (Which by the way I could have) Here’s the real kicker, on the drive out of D.C she starts pointing out directions to the places I had wanted to see. For example: “You know if we had taken that right and drove for a bit we could have went to see that International Spy Museum you had wanted to see. (She had my guide book earlier so she saw all the things I had highlighted that I really wanted to see and do.At that rate I was like “why are you telling me about stuff I wanted to do that you are clearly not going to let me see.”) it sucked some sites were closed for renovations, that’s why you look at monuments too. I didn’t come all that way just to look at one item.>=( Needless to say, we made it home about an hour ago, I gathered up my GPS’s things (it’s going back to the store for crappy and constantly dying on me despite constant charging! I’m getting my $96 dollars back.) I once again, for the 4th time in a row I bought my own birthday cake, and flowers. You know she had the nerve to say to me “Oh you didn’t make your wish yet?” (When I told her I wanted to stop off at the store for a cake and candles) Due to her snoring throughout the night loudly I couldn’t sleep so 24hours no sleep, massive headache in bright sunny 78 degree weather, at some point during the drive home, to pain got to bad for me and I went unconscious-it was painful during the sight seeing but since it was my birthday I wanted to see everything. My Bday suck, but F*ck it, I’m doing a redo!

Tried to do a Redo-nothing went according to plan. Talked my brother into taking e to a sushi place (we wouldn’t give me the directions and it was agreed upon I was paying)-Not a shocker there. The first day I waited 7 hours for him to get “ready” by 8:30 pm I was like Fuck it, I’m not going. and I told my brother, forget sushi it’s fine, I’ll just take myself to the movies (there’s a Thai sushi place right across the street from the movie so I figured “why do I have to wait for someone else on my birthday redo. No, Fuck this shit, i’m going on my own. Then surprisingly the next day he’s like “Okay, I’ll go now. So we went, the decor was really dark inside and I didn’t care for the music. The food was good, The soy sauce way to SALTY. Sake taste like water down vodka to me, so I ordered a coke and made a cocktail and then it was on the money. If you haven’t had it before I highly suggest ordering sake with some type of non-alcoholic drink and making a cocktail. – You can thank me later.

The next day I got up early and went to PetSmart to get me a pet. I really wanted a black cat (I’ve had other colors but not black) I spoke with my neighbor who only gets black cats and he let me know were he goes and the price range. Over here’s about $80-100 for a cat, that includes updated shots, micro-chipped in case they are lost and one month free of pet insurance. Also depending on their age it can also include a voucher to get them spayed or neuter.  To me that’s a deal. I went to the store to buy me a kitten, I watched them for awhile and settled on one I connected with. I filled out the paper. But because I live with mom even at the age of 27 I had to get her permission. Needless to say, mom asked that question “How much Does it cost” -mind you she wasn’t paying for it.  I told her the price and she said “no” “that’s too expensive, that’s a waste of money, why do you want a pet?!” me: “Because I need this.” Her: no it’s a waste of money, that’s money better spent on buying food for the family. It sucks that at 27 that i would even need her permission at all for anything I want especially if i’m paying for it. but why am I not shocked. once again she walked all over my feelings/needs. if it’s not what she wants then it must not be what I want. When she told me no, all I could think was “this is the reason why I stay quiet, no one in this family listens to me. Once again, the proof is in the pudding, what I want, and feel doesn’t matter. If it’s not what she wants, then it doesn’t matter if it’s important to me or not.” I came home to her giving me a smug look, as if she had won some great battle. The only thing she managed to do was walk all over me gain.

I’m actually a very lonely person, I try to find happiness in the small day to day routines. These last couple of years have truly sucked for me. It took a lot of guts and time to go out and try to get a new cat. I waited a few year because I was grieving over the loss of my last cat. I suppose I could try to forgive her ignorance towards me. She doesn’t know I’m depressed. ( Although I find that to be shocking, my brother has been depressed for over 20 years. You’d think she’d recognized the signs when they are clear as day. I tried telling my brother I was depressed, he rebuffed me. “No, I’M DEPRESSED, I TAKE PRESCRIBED MEDICATION! You….you’re just sad.” To which I reminded him, not everyone shows the same symptoms when dealing with mental illness. As mom said “Parents know when something isn’t quite right with their children when it comes to mental illness, its just that some choose not to accept it.” So instead they’ll give me occasional looks of concern.  Any who , my brother did say he would look into “finding me a free flea ridden kitten.”  But on one seem to grasp the the cold hard fact. Money was never an issue for me. I know what it takes to take care of a pet. I had no problems or qualms paying the fee. What I have an issue with: lack of boundaries, at my age NO ONE should be telling me what I can, or how I can spend my hard earned money. The issue isn’t about the cat -although that does piss me off. It’s about control, specifically trying to control someone elses money. Just like with that trip, she didn’t care about how much it meant for me to go on my own-she saw how excited I was to get the hell away from here, she saw it as an opportunity to control the situation. Her car her rules. She knew if I had rented a car like I wanted to, picked the hotel like I wanted too we would not have left when she wanted to. When she had mentioned she was tired, I would have said “okay” took her back to the hotel and I would have came back and continued to explore and had a great time. If we had stuck to my plan. Not this bogus, we’re gonna be on the road for 7 hours. I’ll give 3 hours (I checked the parking ticket) to walk around- Well I’m not having fun, so we’re going to end your birthday/vacation sooner.

My vacation/ birthday was ruined.

Seriously, Now I’m Annoyed

Hello everyone and welcome back.

Okay, so we all know i’m leaving for my D.C trip next week. It’s going to be my first solo trip and i’m really looking forward to it. I’ve been talking about this trip sporadically for a couple of weeks, I’ve asked my mom advice about toll booth money, and about renting a car. Last week, she asks me to help out with the cable bill (the previous week bro demanded I help with the bill, this two days after SallieMae was “Guess whose back? you’re six months are up! You’ve a bill to pay!”) So at that rate I was rather annoyed. I don’t mind helping her, but it’s like “you know I’m leaving in a few weeks right? I really don’t have the money to be paying these bills. right before the trip, I took care of my bills ahead of time so I could enjoy my trip with no issues but she is doing the most.

So she brought up the bill again, and I reminded her “You know i’m leaving next week right?” And she gives me this shock look that says “You were serious about the trip.” Then she asked me “How are you getting there” I reminded her yet again that i’m driving (The first time I told her she was shocked and I said ‘don’t worry i’m renting a car I’m not taking yours’-I’m not that rude enough to assume she would let me take her car out of state. That seem to make her happy, and she didn’t give any advice on car renting she said “you don’t have car insurance they’ll probably charge you $500.00 on top of the fees. (I have never rented a car before but that didn’t sound right. I contacted a rental place and their like the deposit is $250 + w/e the rental for the car is.)   I’ve been looking up car rental places, hotels, I order a travel guide of the city so I could make an itinerary, it’s like “what the hell did you think I was going on about it for?”  Now mom is trying to talk me out of the trip and using the whole [“You can’t do it by yourself. whose going with you? me: It’s a solo trip! mom: you can’t do the high way, me:I’m pretty sure i’ve done the high way before.”  Her: How much are you taking in gas?  Me: $130 give or take.  Mom: that’s not going to be enough, you’re not renting a huge car are you, those pull too much gas, you’d be better in a smaller car.] I don’t like this “naivety/learned helplessness” thing she’s trying to push on me. There is nothing mentally, or physically wrong with me that would inhibited me from doing this drive. I was telling her, I got to learn at some point, and of course I wouldn’t take a big car. One they cost more to rent let alone fill up with gas, and two i’m the only one in the car why would I need something huge? then she started asking me to look at her work schedule even though we had went over it 2-3 weeks ago and established that she’s working those days and can’t go. * I feel like she thinks i’m not thinking at all, I know I need a car, with a GPS, I know that will cost money. I plan on making sandwiches and drinks the night before the trip, so I don’t have to worry about food along the way. (so that’ll save me money). I’ve also planned an itinerary with things (majority of them free) but some do cost money, the most expensive thing on my list is madam T. house of wax which is $20, but with my coupon that brings it down to $15 without out tax.

Which I’m grateful for, its like “are you really trying to crash my trip?” We all know my 26th birthday (last year) sucked! It will definitely go down as one of my most unhappiest birthday. My 25th birthday, I took her to ballet (I paid for the tickets, and the parking) all she did throughout everything was complain. She complained about the paying for parking (even though I was one who paid), she complained we should have saw “BB King instead” (even though it was my birthday gift to myself not hers.) She complained so much about everything that even the ushers were annoyed with her. We ended up leaving at the half-time part. I was really embarrassed by her behavior, she still doesn’t think she did anything wrong.

I digress, this trip isn’t about her, or my family or obligations. It’s about me. I need this solo trip. I need the break away from the negativity. I need to prove to myself that I can drive 6 hours by myself. I can plan a trip by myself. I think it would do me a world of good to get out of my state and go some place unfamiliar. I deserve to have a memorable 27th birthday.   Whether this trip ends up being awesome or a series of unfortunate events, I’m coming back with a great story to tell (I will be video blogging and taking plenty of pictures to show everyone). I hope I get to learn something new about myself, and get the “recharge” that I need to keep moving forward. I feel like i’m going on empty, with really nothing to look forward to except another bill. I want an adventure and I’m going to get it. And when I do my little pit stops, I’m gonna play the lottery along the way, with any luck fortune will smile down favorably upon me =D. If I get a couple extra dollars to help me out on this trip I won’t complain. This trip is about personal growth

Today Has Been Very Exasperating

Today has been one of those “you know what, I don’t need this shit screw you.” kind of days.

My boss said I can’t use the bell for my window, when I’m not near it. IT sucks when the secretary leaves the room, and my desk isn’t facing the the window, so if i’m on the phone or doing faxes, a person could be standing out there waiting for some time. I get a little jumpy when I turn around and see someone just staring at me, or they sometimes get annoyed when they feel as though they’ve been standing there to long and I haven’t noticed them. Or as one guy told me “You need to get a rear view mirror”. The boss said that it’s not professional looking to have the bell out. I’m just thinking “really,that’s not professional looking, but we can have those damn hearts up on the window?”

Then he complained about me not answering the phones enough, which is annoying. Because it comes off like I never answer the phone. Which isn’t true, I have been answering the phone more, and i’m going to admit; I not going to get every phone call, because my job would never get done; then there would be more complaints on how i’m moving to slow. By the way at least when i’m there i’m constantly working; I have seen moments when the secretary isn’t doing anything work related such as “streaming video’s on Youtube-on how to do hair or yoga.”, checking out her Instagram, Vine, texting people on her phone, taking personal calls. Or she’s having a conversation with a doctor about something that has nothing to do with work and just let’s the phones ring and I have been nice enough to answer the phone during those times.

I’m an office assistant, my job is to assist to help out the Secretary, I don’t mind helping people out and picking up the phone when I know she’s swamped. But when I can tell she clearly is not busy at all, she’s just sitting there texting on her phone when I have a huge pile on my desk with things to do, it becomes less about assisting and more feeling like i’m being taking advantage of.

For fuck sake, haven forbid, a doctor’s office calls and goes to voice mail, we’re making it sound like we’ve never called a doctor’s office and gotten the voicemail, We go to lunch at noon, surely the office knows you’re gonna get a voicemail. And if my phone actually could access the voicemail’s, then I could get back to people. Besides lunch time is time I use to find charts for the next days. I come in, fax all the charts in the chart box (some days it’s a lot some days it’s a little, besides doing faxes, i’m uploading charts to the computer and making copies to send out in the mail. sometimes it’s easy to locate the fax number other times it is not and I have to google it and call the place for the fax number.) Once i’m done with my faxes, I have put the charts away- the box is usually half-full to full on those days when I first come in or done with the faxes. Then I do my confirmation calls which can take up about 30-45 minutes, I occasionally answer the phone during that time, then at noon I go look for my charts for the next day. pull referrals for the next day, check the repair hearing aid basket if their’s hearing aids in them I look for the patient’s chart and put those two together. By the time people are back from lunch, their dropping off charts that need to be put away, files that next to be faxed, I take care of the filing away the charge tickets, and loose filings (in my final hour).

The boss man said something about me not using the voicemail, I told him I didn’t know how to send something to voice mail, and Secretary butts in “all that information is next to you on the wall.” And part of me internally is like “i’m sorry; could you…SHUT THE FUCK UP.”

I do a quick look at at the list of things to do and i’m reply “That is something I will have to look over on Monday.” He was going on about how he wouldn’t have gotten the message I had left for him in his mailbox. I put that message on bright color paper so it would stand out. 2. He didn’t even know what the message was about (it was about some hearing program) he had to ask a fellow doctor what it was all about. 3. I knew he there and checks his mail box periodically throughout the day. 4. I’ve been doing this for months and now all of the sudden; it’s a problem ….but it wasn’t an issue the last TEN TIMES I did it!?

*I have to say; if the crap I have experience/ am experiencing is any indication to what the last few women went through that were in the position before me. I don’t blame them for leaving and cutting ties. They smelt the BS and saw the BS and they saw their opportunity leave; and left and kept getting on up!

*I hate when if i do something wrong it’s brought to light; but other people do it, it isn’t. I watch people make mistakes all the time,  for example the boss man put “out chart” in the needs to be filed box versus the needs to be faxed box. if I hadn’t bothered to check the charts (to update the chart number and make sure things that are suppose to be sent get’s sent.” That patient would not have gotten their medical clearance form signed by their PCP in time enough for there next appointment.  Or the doctor that puts stuff in my box to be filed; but there’s stuff in there that needs to be fax. or in the Fax box there’s stuff that needs to be faxed but they don’t say to who or if they need a medical clearance form sent out. And I have to go and ask.  I am still seeing the file cabinets hang open because some people don’t want to push the charts back (remember a few months ago I got blamed for that, when i didn’t do it.)

*That and when I worked the sectary job, I don’t complain, there is a lot to complain about i’m literally there trying to do two jobs; the phone is constantly ringing and I try to get to as many calls as I can, some people do go to voicemail, i get back to them in a timely manner, if its towards the end of the day and office is closed they’ll have to wait until the next day. I wish I got credit for the crap I actually do.

I use to think/say, if I won the lottery how “I would want to donate at least half a million to that hospital department. But after today i’m like “F U and F the establishment.” I use to think well that’s the least I could do, since they did hire me, and I would want to give my week notice…now i’m like “you know what…no. Yes, they did hire me; but I earned my right to stay; I worked my ass off, should I ever win or come into a large amount of finance where I can pay off all my debt, I’m not giving them weeks head notice, I will tell them the day of that; “my situation has changed, I am going to need to quit effective immediately and this is my last day” and I would pull the charts out for two days ahead of times and do the confirmation calls for those days. I figure this way, it gives the secretary 48 hours ahead leeway.  I get my chance to leave i’m taking it. I know once i’m gone; give it about a week or so, they’ll see how much I really was pulling my weight.

______________

On the bright side I won $15 dollars on a lottery scratch off.

Received a letter a the mail, our food stamps are going to be cut off next month. Apparently combining my mom and mine salaries (we both work part time) we’re$200 over budget and don’t qualify for food stamps. (mind you their looking at the amount before taxes are taken out.) This sucks, we really did depend on that to get food. They really should have told this January towards the beginning of the month so we could plan ahead. Mind you, they had slowly been cutting down the amount of money they give us; $210 is not enough for 3 grown adults to live on, especially with the cost of food rising.

And my migraines have been becoming more frequent. And my sleep pattern is off. I finally fall asleep wake up and exhausted.

Had to do a health assessment for work, if I didn’t they were going to increase my health insurance rate by 30%. Did the assessment got a 69 on it (I found the questions to be very personal, its like why do you need to know this information). I’m not over weight and I do eat healthy. I hate those “yes or not” question sometimes you just don’t fall into either category and their is more to the situation. Part two of the assessment that I have to do a healthy exercise every day for a week straight. it’s like ugh, go away…

Life and those damn curve balls huh? Today is just one of those days where i’m just fed up with life. I’m just like “can I please have some good luck thrown my way; in the form of a large amount of cash thrown my way so I can fix these damn problems and get the hell of dodge”. I feel like I try and try but i’m not getting anywhere. It’s like let’s be honest am I really any further today than I was yesterday? I get that progress takes time; but this just too much. I’m trying to be happy; but I have way too many reasons to be jaded.