Hello everyone, welcome back. I trust you have all had a wonderful week, a relaxing weekend and you’re ready to start your grind for Monday.
It’s been awhile since I last did a post so let’s do a recap on what’s been going on with me.
On the job front, still searching for a job, I usually wake up around seven AM and start my search. Speaking of searches; I am a little confused on the whole “entry level” terms, now I think “entry level” is zero to two years worth of experience. I have viewed various jobs where I feel as though I meet all the criteria and then it’ll say” must have 3-5/ 5-8 years of experience performing this type of job.” To me that doesn’t seem like entry level I would say that’s intermediate to advance. That and if all these jobs are considered entry level, then where are the people gaining their experience from? It sucks that employers have this huge pool of potentials people they could use/ give a break too who would be more than happy to perform these jobs, but simply because a person doesn’t have five years of experience they are discounted.
I have applied to various jobs, I did try doing the spirited Halloween sales Associate job, unfortunately there are no openings near me- guess I missed that train. I was really only willing to compromise being a sales associate for that job only. I did apply to other stores but as an off hour stock clerk. I figure this was a better compromise, they’re hiring, I don’t really want to have to deal with customer, this way I don’t get too. One of the stores sent me email saying “Thanks, for applying online, but if you really want to be considered come and apply in person!” and my thinking is ” I’m not going to drive twelve miles (twenty-four round trip) to reapply for a position I have already applied for-I literally just spent 15-20 minutes on that application. Speaking of applications, most applications ask if you want to upload a resume, you do that and it fills in majority of your online application. What I don’t get is when they ask you for that same information that is already on you’re resume. It’s like what’s the point of uploading the resume if you’re going to be asked the same questions over and over if it’s already on the resume?
Spoke to my friend Brit, learned more about Freddy Kruger; Syfy had been playing his movies like crazy, and I always come in on the weirdest parts, and I was like “I get that he’s trying to scare them/ kill them but why does he have to be such a pervert about it. and Brit’s like “you know he’s a pedophile and a child killer right?” did not know about the pedophile~ I probably should have paid more attention when the movie was covering his back story. I just thought he was pathetic, low-life serial killer, with mommy-issues and low-self esteem with lack of hobbies. It definitely changes the way I look at him, so I asked my mom “about his costume, so when we see people wearing it are we as a society saying we’re okay with the fact that he’s a pedophile?!” and she looks at me for a good 4 seconds and tells me i’m over thinking it.
Also from Brit, learned she’s now unemployed she got tried of the BS that comes from working in a Pawn Shop and she got into the Peace Corps she’s going to Thailand in January! I couldn’t be more happier for her.
What would be life, without some drama, aka Rafe came back. He was droning on and on about himself about how he drinks so he can me more impersonal to others but instead he’s turning into an alcoholic (poor thing doesn’t know he’s been one for quite some time) and people are repulsed by his actions, apparently no one wants to be around a miserable person whether they are drunk or sober. But he continues to go on about how he’s happiest when he drinks, because he’s trying to make other’s happy. – if you’re confused by his logic just know you are not alone, his whole thinking is a ballet of idiocrasy perpetuated by his drinking which is probably leading to not only a lost of brain cells that deal with common sense but also an increase in negative personality traits, which would make him off putting to others. [<- that right there is why I need to get into Grad School.] Next thing I know, hetries to turn it around on me for not being there for him in his constant timely hour of need. and then he goes on to say his internet will be off until Friday, and that should make me happy that he won’t be around to message because he’s quote on quote “going away” [literally that’s the forth time the man has said he’s going leave but hasn’t.] I have been having a pretty sh*ty week, and I’ve been dealing with a lot of stress and crap that’s been going on with me. [ Most of you probably can’t tell from my posts. But I am actually the type of person who could have the world crumbling around me but I keep it to myself I am not the type to admit that I am hurting or something is wrong, I have had times when I try to verbalize to friends and family that I am NOT okay, and the responses I have gotten in the past have been “You know, it sucks that you are you’re sad but I PREFER it when you’re laughing and smiling“-that was literally within twenty-four hours of a breakup. Or the time I was talking to my friend I had just found out the news I had lost my Grandmother we literally had a five minute conversation about it, at some point I said “I’m just so sad about all of this” and she goes and says “wait, why are you sad?” In my mom i’m thinking “are you fucking kidding me right now?” so I said “my grandmother’s passing!” her: “oh yeah, okay.” and then she went on to talk about her boyfriend problems, I cut that conversation short this girl has had at least 20 “boyfriends” – I kid you not, and always has someone she’s talking to on the side- that’s why I can’t take her relationship seriously, and why should I, the guy doesn’t stay long enough for me to remember his name and it’s not just me who thinks that our other friends think that too. Or I have had moments when I tried expressing myself to family and they’ve been like “Can’t you just get over it, it’s not that big of a deal.”- mom said that me literally 10 minutes after I had my first heartbreak, she really didn’t like the guy to begin with. “Oh, suck it up quit being such a baby!” -that was the time my aunt toss football to me, I didn’t catch it but it did hit me in the nose. There have been times I have expressed i’m unhappy and I get the whole “are you doing this for attention? / what do you want me to do about it?” or they will lecture. I have accepted a long time ago, there is no one I can honestly talk to. Thank goodness I have my journal, one of these day I’m gonna write my biography and get it published.
How hard is it to grasp that it takes courage for a person to admit that they are not okay, the last thing that they need is to be admonished,they don’t need to hear and “I told you so” or hear “suck it up cupcake, the real world doesn’t care.” sometimes all they need is a hug. My brother is the type who can admit when he’s unhappy freely, and mom will try to bring a smile to his face or ask him if he wants a hug. She considers to him to be more sensitive and thus he needs to be coddled versus with me my feeling are not taken seriously. My mom did tell me a few years back, that she has to be extra hard on me, not only because I’m female because I’m black and I look it, unlike my brother, thus the world will be three times harder on me. Therefore everything she does is to simply toughen me up, although I understand to a certain extent; I think it’s horrible; I am not made of stone, I do have heart and feelings. Sometimes I fear I am forever going to be the “clown” the person with a smile on her face, who always says the right thing to make the other person feel better, the bearer of positive regard. – We all know someone in our group like that. The sad part is that positivity, is like a well, it has a limit, you can’t just keep taking from it and never put anything back into it. So if you know someone like that, drop them a compliment every once in awhile, let them know that you are there and you are listening, give back the positivity that you receive.
*Getting back to Rafe, I had finally reached my boiling point with him, and him blaming me for his psychological issues that he could clearly get over if he wanted too, I just got annoyed at his ignorance that his problems are bigger than other people’s. So I felt the need to let him know that there are people in the world with REAL problems, So I responded back :
Well hello Rafe, thank you for asking how i am, My compassion / empathy is gone. I’m sure I’m suffering from depression which is leading to low self-esteem, hopelessness, vomiting, frequent migraines and weight lost. The only time people come to me is when they want words of encouragement ” every thing is going to be alright/ awe you can do it!” 2..4…6…8..who we appreciate? Not Recie that’s whom. Let’s face it I’m known as the bearer of positive regard the chick who has her shit together is always around when you need her but is always surprisingly alone. Apparently I spent too much time caring for others and being their cheerleader I didn’t leave anything left for me. I try to cheer myself up and I get a little positive fir like an hour or two and then my dark cloud is back and I can’t help but feel like a loser. In addition, my financial burden is about to blow up in face like a ticking time bomb. I’m sorry you have “crap” going on but just this once can you put all you B.S. aside and be my cheerleaders for a change; just once can’t you return the positive regard I’ve shown you…or am I right I thinking that I am loser an no one gives a damn about how I feel.
Needless to say, he didn’t respond back. To be honest, I am not surprised. I need to do some last summer cleaning and get rid of things and people who are not bringing much to my life After peaceful energy will only flow once I get rid of the things that bring negativity to my life. One thing I am proud of myself is for finally verbalizing my problems. Besides all of you, no one knows I’m off unemployment. Or what I have been going through. I’m sure my family has noticed I’ve become a little bit more recluse but that’s probably it.
Switching gears- want to hear something ironic? the only day I didn’t play the lottery, someone in my area won the lottery. My internal feels is but I figure they probably needed it more than me. Or at least that’s what I tell myself to stay calm. “it’s not that I’ll never win, but rather it simply wasn’t my turn.”
So I went out and bought a ticket for Monday, last dollar I had to my name so here’s to hoping something good happens with that..
I have done multiple tarot reading of my predicament, and it basically kept telling me that money won’t make me happy, constant pursue of money is wrong, and all you need is love. I’m just like:
- I get the whole “Mo money mo problems” BUT give me the money I can deal with the problems.
- money can’t buy happiness, but it CAN erase the financial burden that debt can cause. which will give one a sense of calm and peace and thus they can go and buy things that can make them happy.
- I do think constant pursue of money is wrong, because you’re missing out on life. with that being said, There is nothing wrong with wanting a job,and there’s nothing wrong with wanting a job that is going to give you a fair wage.
- Love is nice, love is wonderful! But let’s get real it’s not something I need right now.
Another thing I find weird, is all my horoscope talks about is relationship “Recie now is the time to get out of the house and meet someone!” Seriously there is more life then meeting someone, I wish I could change my horoscope preference so it would only give me updates about career and money, and daily luck.
Another thing I have been doing, when feel really stressed out, is I step away from job searching and do some online window shopping. I have come to the conclusion, I want a baking cabinet. basically it’s a regular cabinet but it’s loaded with everything I would ever need for baking: liqueurs, spices, oils, flours, some candy, cookie cutters, cookie, brownies, cake mix, and stuff I need to make stuff from scratch etc and tools needed for a pastry chef! oh, how awesome would that be to wake up in a new apartment that’s mine with a kitchen filled with food, and I get to make fresh muffins from scratch? Best part is, if I’m the only one living there food will last SO MUCH LONGER. then it does now.
*If you made it through the whole entire post, thank you for sticking through all of that, and I’m sorry this post wasn’t a little more “peppy” .