Hello, everyone and happy belated fourth of July. I trust you were all safe as you were having fun over the weekend.
I guess, I’ll jump right into it…I’m nervous for today’s doctor appointment, after Months of waiting, i’m finally getting in to see the neurologist. Mom wants me to bring up the chest pains I get occasionally. I know my migraines which I have been having every day are an issue that need to be dealt with. But truthfully, besides my migraine my main concern is my memory issues. I mentioned in my last post that I feel like i’m running out of “time”, that is still true for me.
My body has been in pain for awhile now, I feel like i’m getting worse not better. I’m tired of waking up in pain, and acting like nothing is bothering me. Last Tuesday the 28th, I got my wisdom tooth removed they gave me hydrocodone to help with the pain (they only have me six pills and advised me to take each pill with a Tylenol and Advil. I took mine with 2 Tylenol 650mg so I was on about 1500mg of pills a day. before the wisdom tooth removal I was placed on amoxicillin (it really didn’t do much to stop the tooth problems-it was keeping me at night) and I have amitriplyn to help with my migraines 10mg (i’m use to 25mg) My point being for the past while i’ve been in pain, and i’ve been taking a pill to help with that said pain.
My medication provides me with very little relief; and uncomfortable side effects, like excitability -that leave me feeling jumpy, grogginess, dry mouth, bad breath, nausea, smaller appetite-(i’ve lost a lot of weight) treamors-that can be somewhat painful. Thankfully, the pain in my mouth is gone and so is the hydrocodone (it was known for putting me to sleep!) that’s one less pill I have to take. Because the doctor’s appointment is today, I opted to be off all medication for 24 hours, it’s been awhile since I had last been sober (in the sense of no pills -I haven’t had a drink in awhile either). To be honest, I feel exhausted although most of what I have done this weekend is sleep because of the medications. I feel aches all over and I have another migraine.(I hate the stabbing pain that comes with it.)
I’m rambling aren’t I? my apologies…the reason i’m nervous is because, what if after all this waiting, he does his test and finds nothing wrong with me, what if he tells me that my memory is fine, when I know it’s not? I have a history or doctors telling me i’m fine, when I know i’m not.
Forgetting my DOB, having trouble signing my name (i’ve noticed over the past few weeks i’ve been having problems remembering how to spell my first name when i’m doing my signature. Thankfully, no one is pointing out “hey, you spelt your name wrong.” I’m fine with typing it, but when I have to write it…not so much. My spelling in general is getting worse, and one of my worst fears happened; forgetting how to drive while driving. I couldn’t remember how to stop the car as I was going over the bridge and coming up on the red light, after a few trial and errors with the peddles I finally got the right one-just in the nick of time. I’m still having issues remembering my passwords at work and some have been the same since I first started. The random feelings of confusion “what was doing…wait, why am I here.” It’s nerve racking to having those moments of confusion….All I want to do when that happens is retreat to someplace quiet and less stressful. But all I can do during those moments is try to calm myself down “take my time…it’ll come back to me soon…” and in a few seconds it does. It sucks when I can’t use my memory to back up what i’ve done. For I can’t be sure if I actually did it or not, I can’t rely on my memory. Like the time I wanted to cook bacon, I placed it in the pan, set the timer and turned on the oven. Only to discover, yes, i put it in the pan in the oven, but I never set the timer and I didn’t turn the oven on let alone plug it in. I had imagined I had done it when I didn’t.
About a week or so ago, I had a dream, that it was confirmed that my memory was declining as well as my health and my life expentancy had been shorten incredibly. I also came upon a small sum of money. so I decided to get my friends together and go on a girls trip. I didn’t tell them the true reasoning for the trip. For that would have been such a downer. We ended up meeting and making friends with some music group. I had promised the head guy I would go to his show, but my migraines and memory was really getting worse (to the point where I was seriously considering wrapping the trip up and putting myself into an assisted living home.) Needless to say, I got turned around and confused by my surroundings I ended up getting hit by a car. And would you know it; that’s when my memory decides to come back and remind me where I am and where I need to go to get to the concert. I declined going in the ambulance. I was in a lot of pain, coughing up blood. But I was determined to keep my word. I made it to the concert, security and rest of band commented on the fact that I look like I should go see a doctor. I saw the lead guy who was happy to see me and then commented on my appearance with worry. I shrug it off and and tell him “it’s just a migraine, of course I wouldn’t miss your show! go…the crowd is waiting for you…I’ll be alright…” He went out, I started coughing up blood to which other people noticed I asked them to get me an ambulance but not to disturb the show. Next thing I know i’m in a shared room, there’s a nurse and preacher and some other person on the other bed. and I remember saying “There’s no point in me getting comfortable, I won’t make it through the night.”Next thing I know the band is there, as well as my friends and I come clean on everything that has happen and the real reason for the trip.” I wanted to fill my last few months with happy memories, I figured although I won’t remember later, I was hoping that happiness I felt in each memory would stay.That and that photo album would help fill in the missing pieces. Although, I was in a lot pain, I never felt more at peace, I had did what I wanted to do and had fun while doing it. Thus, I had no regrets.
Not sure what the dream is suppose to mean. But I hope I get some answers tomorrow as well as better migraine medication.