Hello everyone and welcome back!
I know, I went MIA for bit and I’ve been gone longer than a hot minute! I’m gonna trust that everyone reading this has been having a far better time than me. I hope all of you have had great past few months, that you had a great week and are enjoying your weekend. And if not, that totally blows and i hope it gets better real quick.
So here is a recap of what’s been going on with me: So there was a point that I had an ongoing migraine for a few weeks during that time my double vision increased and then i started seeing spots. You may recall the last time i posted i had mentioned that due to my migraines becoming sharper in terms of pain I had noticed that my vision was decreasing personally I think i’m going blind. I had also mentioned that back in March i had bought some new contacts and a week later upon wearing them for like an hour my vision would go blurry. I did meet up with my nurse practitioner who at the current time (this was back in June) had me on blood thinners, i would take the pill and feel my heartbeat slowing and my breath getting shallow, it did nothing for my migraine and I had tried it for a month an a half before I was like “fuck it” i’m not taking this anymore. Because of pills I was sleeping more, and due to the migraines I wasn’t keeping food down, I lot a lot of weight I was down to 106 when before I use to be 125-ish. There was one random day when my mom went off on me, how it’s not normal to have a migraine for twenty days in row its not normal to keep food down or sleep as much as I was. Then she went on about my memory issues “You forgot who your family was and you forgot ALEX!” Not gonna lie I looked pretty ill. When i met the nurse she wasn’t happy that I didn’t stay on the pill as long as she had wanted me to (the fact sheet did say the pill could cause my heart to stop) Trust me it’s not fun driving then you feel your heartbeat slowing down. I told her let’s try something else I was adamant about it, but I also made it clear I needed something to break my migraine . The doctor normally provides steroids to do. (Word to the wise, if you’re dealing with ongoing migraine and your doc prescribes steroids to break- don’t follow the instructions to take all the pills, just take the pill until your break the migraine. You never know when you’re going to have ongoing migraines again it’s helpful to have pills left over. That and if you do follow the instruction and take all of the pills even after the migraine has been broken it can end up affecting you in some other way. For example the last time I had did that back 2008 I ended up with heart issues. When i spoke to nurse she told me” other patients experienced heart issues when they are on this for too long-that problem probably isn’t going to go away.” I’m thinking “okay, that’s important information you should TELL PEOPLE before you let them have prescription. Take it when it’s broken (the migraine) not when the bottle tells you to stop.
So i’m now on different medication, I want to say the frequency of migraines did go down for a bit…but now they’re back up. I need to get a new prescription from the doctor to have them increase the amount in the bottle. The insurance said it needs to be a 3 month supply other wise they are not going to pay for it. Thus instead of $9 a bottle it’ll be $123. The food situation has been a bit tough over here; so i have been focusing more on that versus medication. So basically i have two pills to my name, payday isn’t until Thursday and my head really hurts! I wish i was able to get on disabilities, because this situation really is disabling. At work the Secretary makes fun of the fact that I like cold, cloudy days (you’d hate sunny days too if it caused you pain, this hot weather NOT HELPING MY MIGRAINES AT ALL. If anything I feel as though it increases them. She like to call me a vampire because of that. If i wasn’t in so much pain I think i would be insulted.( You wouldn’t make fun of a physical disability you can see so why make fun of of an invisible one)
As much as it might be sad to say; I don’t like being me, it’s not fun being in pain all the time, if it’s not memory loss, vision issues, not being able to keep down food, or overly sensitive to smells, sight, and sounds. certain medication affects me differently, for example although this new medication doesn’t make me hurl i feel as though when i’m on it too long, it affects my ability to walk and I get hand tremors. There are days I swear my right leg is useless, I swear my coordination and ability to hold things is going down. So instead of taking my pill everyday like i’m suppose to I only take it when I really can’t bear it. It saddens me to see myself deteriorate like this. You know one question that really irks me? “When are you going back to college?” When people ask me that I just want to scream “I’m NOT okay, whether it be physically or mentally to leave one stressful situation for another.” I’m depressed and have been now for about two years, i’m hungry and i’m exhausted. I just want to cut ties with everything and go somewhere -be it up in the mountains or on some far away beach where there is hardly any people and simply….rest my wearily soul. I’d love to have that opportunity to simply: relax…eat…and …just focus on getting better
Sound about 3 weeks ago, I found out my aunt had gone missing. I didn’t know she was missing, one of the relatives called the cops down there and they broke into her home and discovered her dead next to the washing machine. Unfortunately, I was unable to attend the funeral. I found out Wednesday morning since I was unable to go, wore all black to work as a sign of mourning. I recall the secretary saying to me “what…are you mourning the sun?” Here’s what i really wanted to do to her -> instead i replied “no…not at all.” And continued on my way, I saw no point in wasting my time with a childish person. Mom was away for about week; it was just me and my bro. Not gonna lie, I was sad about my aunt; i liked her. But I was happy to have the house to myself. My mom is a negative person, so it was nice to not have that bad energy around me. And would you know it, the week she was out my quick pick tickets were winners I raked in about $35 she was out. luck seem to be more on my side, and when my brother would come down with his negative energy, I put a quick stop to that. I refused to be his audience and he spent most of his time upstairs. Which suited me just fine. Then mom came home…with a bunch of stuff that we DID NOT NEED. like a fridge (we just bought one like 4 months ago, the fridge she brought back can’t fit into the house), a big screen tv, we neither had the space for or needed. I literally hadn’t watched an actually t.v. in over six months we don’t have cable there is no need. A washing machine from the 1970’s (you read that right) I literally bought a new washer 3 years ago. and she brought back clothes I would never wear (anyone who honestly knows me, knows how i feel about animal print and that I would never wear it. The clothes she brought were way to big) The one thing she should have brought back my aunt’s huge movie collection…you know what she told the other realtives “oh, my daughter doesn’t need it, she has more than enough movies!” Which is total bullshit my collection is actually pretty small, my aunt had tubs and tubs of movies, and it’s one of my life goals to have a room filled with movies! (once again, this has proved my mother knows NOTHING about me.) She was offered cookbooks too for me to have, she told them I don’t cook from cook books…even i had to do a double take when i heard that one Thankfully my other aunt, whom i’m close with (because we’re so similar) let me ask ___ because I know she loves to cook. Thank the lord, at least somebody thinks about my interest. I also did some digging around as I was unpacking the stuff as my other family members took the Uhaul truck to storage to unload (which btw they went out and bought my bro food (that guy has a whole freezer FULL of food-his M.O is “that food requires me to cook and I don’t like to cook”-which is why he likes stealing my food. ) So i’m thinking to myself “ain’t this some sh*t, if anyone should have gotten the food it was me. And everyone was SO CONCERNED about him being upset because he had to “wake up from his nap” to help unload the truck. Mind you, I had a horrible migraine, I was hungry, and I was out there longer unpacking stuff before he decided to come help (if you call standing around complaining/cussing helping) I still don’t know why people kiss that man’s ass, and i had mowed the lawn and picked up all the twigs and raked the yard before they got there. But his “feelings” were more important. So mom and bro came back by then I had literally unpacked the whole kitchen hallway area in the time they were gone (not an easy task, since a lot of that was heavy -but I was really proud of myself for accomplishing such a thing. It was about 8 P.M. and i had turned on the tank light to feed the fish, mom comes in sees the tank light on, my laptop on, and the desk light on. and complains about the electricity. Her attitude was on a ten when it really didn’t need to be. I could understand if the tank light had been on for hours…but five minutes was extreme! I didn’t understand why she took out all of her frustration on me. She went in the kitchen and commented on the filter in the coffee pot and why didn’t I clean it. (I don’t drink coffee but once a year if that…why would I think to touch her coffee pot?) So I asked, “instead of pointing out the one thing I didn’t do, why not give me credit for all the things I did do?” Then she replied in a sarcastic tone “…oh…and what did you do?” So now,not only has my self-esteem been shot down by her yelling at me, now i’m annoyed that she would even insinuate I didn’t do anything of usefulness this week
So I broke it down for her: one, I took care of the ant infestation problem she left me with (i cleaned out that funnel that was lined with sugar that she left in the cabinet.) btw we had ants in the fridge- i didn’t even know ants could survive in there. Sprayed down the inside and outside with Raid.
Two, I wiped down the counters and stove-she left drink stains all over the counter, food and grease all over the stove.
three, I swept and vacuumed all the floors,
four, took out the trash.
Five, cleaned the the tub- you know I don’t think i’ve ever seen her clean the tub.
six-watered the plants.
Seven, I pulled weeds and mowed the lawn twice (my brother hates doing that),
eight,-changed the light bulb in the kitchen (getting that heavy ass ladder from garage to the house not easy but I did it!
Nine, I raked the yard (there was a part of the yard we left un-raked since last Fall and there were piles of matted leaves filled with twigs and scraps from the blinds on my brother porch that i know he sees clear as day but refuses to pick up).
You know after i mentioned all that I had did she had the nerve enough to say to me “That was you?!” as if she couldn’t believe it and honestly thought my brother would be that considerate to think of others. Then she replies “well, thank you…but did you feed your brother?” Now in my mind i’m thinking “I don’t really give a Fuck if he eats or not.” I replied confidently, “No I did not, he has FOOD. Now if he doesn’t want to cook it that’s on him.” The way he spoke of our aunts passing was just deplorable.
Fast forward to this week, we went a little over 24 hours without power all the food that was frozen melted. when i had cooked with the food a couple of hours after power was back on I got sick off of it. This is food i had bought myself. I don’t trust the food mom brought back from my deceased aunt’s home because a lot of it dates back to 2013, I’ll never understand why she bother to just grab food and not check the date. My aunt had a habit of giving us expired food. That has always pissed me off, don’t give expired food to people and think of it as charity-throw that shit away. So i’ve been living off my own food (I turned my mini fridge from college back on while she was away and I like cooking for myself. That and the idea of eating food my deceased aunt’s home just creeps me out So we had a day with the power back on, but there was a leaky faucet in the shower so I left a message for mom to see if she could check that. I came home 4 hours later with a bad migraine and I felt really dizzy/faint so I went to bed, when I woke up it was like 15 minutes until 11 P.M. I noticed the bather was quiet, i turned the knob to see if the shower is fixed – no water. something tells me to check the toilet, i noticed there is hardly any water in the bowl so press the knob-NOTHING HAPPENS. So i go and ask her what’s up. and she tells me that she turned off the water-and has this whole “an the issue is what type of tone/vibe to her”. Now my issue is it’s 90 fucking degrees outside, we don’t have AC and not to gross out my readers but it’s that time of the month-i need access to working toilet. It’s not like I can turn of functions to my body. I can’t just call up Mother Nature and tell her “Yeah…the water has been turned off and I have no access to a working toilet and because bro has his GF upstairs i’m not allowed up there but he can his greedy ass down whenever he sees fit…but i digress do you think we can reschedule your visit say like in November?” She told me to fill up a water basin if I needed the toilet. so at this point it’s eleven at night and i’m like Fuck it, I’ll go to walmart and use their toilet-it was so disgusting in there! I can’t even be mad at the cleanup crew although I do think they should circle around three times throughout the day. I blame the disgusting ass customers, people should get charged for doing disgusting stuff to public restrooms. So lately, i’ve been cutting back on eating-because eventually i’d have to crap and if the toilet doesn’t work the point is very moot. And I try not to drink any liquids unless i’m at work where there are plenty of toilets that work. So, since i now know which valve turns on the water, I wait until mom is at work, turn that water back on use the toilet and the shower (bad part about the shower the water goes from scalding hot to ice cold!!!)
I really don’t know where all this bad luck is coming from…It just feels like I keep getting hit with one wave after another of bad karma. I do try to stay positive…but it’s hard too when it’s one thing after another…