Its My Party and I’ll Cry If I Want To

Hello, everyone and welcome back. Let’s do a quick recap shall we. For those of you who don’t know today is my birthday. The big 2-8. I had planned my first solo trip to Boston. I hadn’t been there in ten year and it’s only three hour drive. I had planned on going to the aquarium and visiting a few museums ( you know me and my need to learn new things) but mainly I just wanted to walk around and simply be out of my natural environment. It was only going to a day drip so I didn’t have to worry about, a hotel. I had planned on going yesterday because today the weather forecast predicted rain and snow and with everything being near harbor I didn’t want to take the chance with the weather…So Wednesday night mom informs me the car needs an oil change and something else is wrong with it. Now i’m thinking; why didn’t she tell me this weeks ago so I could have gotten this fix? (Thursday was the only day the weather was perfect; every other day something else was going on.) I also found it odd that we just got the car inspected February. When the car gets inspected doesn’t the oil get changed to? So i’m thinking why does she have to be a cock block when it comes to shit I want to do? She says the car wouldn’t have made it. but I disagree. I think it would have made it.I should have went and not said anything. I did go to the aquarium that was closer to the house, it was nice but very loud inside! I’m glade I brought my headphone. Stopped at bed bath and body works. I had tried to distract myself from everything, but I was really bummed.

It really meant a lot to me to go on this trip, one my first solo trip and second. my eye sight is getting worse I really do think i’m going blind, the double visions and flicking/dimming of my vision is becoming more frequent. Naturally my family doesn’t take me seriously. And I did tell my neurologist and my primary care doctor. I probably should go see a eye doctor, I just don’t want to see the eye doctor.(well technically when i went to walmart vision center and saw their eye doctor she did mention I should keep an eye on my optic nerve worse case scenario is I go blind. So for me, its about seeing and doing as much as I can while I can still see well…

As for today, my aunt said she would take me to Boston…next weekend. Which don’t get wrong isn’t a bad thing, but I had taken off all this time for this week (is it wrong that I really wanted to celebrate my birthday on my actual BIRTHDAY). She also ask me to ask my mom if she wanted to come. Which totally killed my mood. How do I tell her, I don’t want her to come, “I don’t want her there,  she’s the reason the D.C trip got cut so short all the driving…she couldn’t find that diamond she anted…she hated all that walking…she complained about everything that was interesting to me. “ My birthday was crappy, I didn’t get to go to Apple bees like I had planned. (I had never been). I didn’t go to the movies. My family didn’t get me any presents, there was no birthday cake, no special dinner or lunch( no one cooked at all), no flowers not even a card. My birthday was treated as if it was insignificant. You would think I would be use to it by now. Getting my own cake, buying my own flowers, getting my own gifts, buying my own special dinner only to have my family come out of nowhere and wonder where is there share? I put that song “Pity party” on repeat that lyric “It’s my party and I’ll cry if I want to Cry if I want to (cry, cry, cry) I’ll cry until the candles burn down this place I’ll cry until my pity party’s in flames .” It’s like that question: which is worse: to be alone or be with be people who make you feel lonely? I tried to cheer myself up with, sweets, sake, a colorful bouquet of flowers, Chinese food. I even tried putting on make up and listening to upbeat music but that wouldn’t stop the tears. I just couldn’t fake it, i’m not happy. Its a sad day…it didn’t feel like my birthday, I’m suppose to be happy, but no one cares it’s my birthday. When it someone else’s birthday, I try my best to make that person feel special. For it is a special day that only comes once a year. But it wasn’t reciprocated for me ! Sure mom said happy birthday, but she still should have gotten me a card. I always make sure to get her a card, lottery tickets, candy, her favorite perfume, a book by her favorite author, or something she’s been-talking about wanting all year.there is 364 days out of the year to figure out what to get someone. I get my brother a card and gift as well on his day as well .But when it comes to my day my lame ass brother  can’t  be bothered to say “happy birthday” to me, I don’t remember the last time he’s ever said that me. Way to make someone feel completely meaningless. My family does not deserve me. I really wish I could come into a large sum of money so I could leave them. I ended my birthday with candles in a donut (to represent my cake) and a musical candle playing in the background playing happy birthday to me.)

*raises a glass * Happy birthday to me

Are You Feeling Lucky?

Hello everyone long time no see! I hope everyone is doing well. I trust all of you have been well and in good health. Let’s do a recap shall we?

Yesterday was St.Patty’s day, it was also the day one of my coworkers was leaving our office, none of the other coworkers did anything for her, so I took it upon myself to do something for her. although she was only there for a little while, I was greatfull for all the help she had done. So I went out and got her Bananas (she ate one every day I assumed they were her favorite fruit), little bottles of vodka with lollipops, a card and cupcakes!

So I did get that MRI- the results came back negative. Most would find that to be good new; I don’t and I will tell you why. It could just be my experience but when test results comes back negative, doctors have a habit of dropping an issue like it doesn’t exist. I still have memory issues , for example the day of my second to last appointment I was in the store with my mom and we separated for a bit, and when it came time for us to meet back up I for the life of me could not remember what she looked like, Thankfully it was still early in the day and there wasn’t that many people in the store. I remember looking down at my skin and thinking “Okay, we’re looking for a black lady that looks similar to me”  so I came across this one lady, and walked up to her and said with uncertainty “you look like…you could be my mom.” to which the lady turned around and responded with “I am your mother.” I took a sigh of relief  and replied “oh thank goodness, because I forgot what you looked like.” I had a really bad migraine that day that was going on 36 hours and my mom could see I was in a lot of pain, so I was told to wait in the car. A few weeks ago, I forgot how to spell my name, , most wouldn’t think this is a bad thing, it is when your name is a login for multiple applications for your job. So looked down at my name tag, but no matter how much i stared at my name tag I couldn’t recognize my name. so after about three minutes I deduced that has to be the spelling of my name, so I entered it in, and sure enough it worked. However, for the rest of the day it just didn’t “feel” right to me.

I’m not sure if I have mentioned it or not, but I have noticed with the pain of the migraine but also the duration of the migraine my vision is becoming “off” double vision and about a week or so I started to see spots. When the vision becomes too bad; I go to sleep. That usually clears it up. Want to know a secret? I suspect I am going blind. Yesterday I went to get my eyes checked I want contacts. (I figured, if my suspicions are correct and my eyesight is getting weaker, while I can still see I want the memories of me with different colored eyes -I know it’s a shallow wish. I want to see as much as I can without being obstructed frames.) The doctor did ask if I had been having any vision issues such as double vision or seeing spots-naturally-I lied; I didn’t want to ruin my chances to get contacts. She showed me a picture of my optical nerve now i’m no doctor, but that nerve looked very expanded almost like it wants to burst or at the least is strained from pressure build up. I asked her what the worst case scenario would be. and she replied “You go blind.” She went on to say most doctors would be concerned about the state of your eyes but i’m not, However I would suggest, you keep and eye on it and get your eyes checked annually.So I wore my contacts yesterday and today (I think i had them in a little to long, my vision started getting blurry with then in, that never happens with brand new contacts!)

Oh, BTW I did ask the nurse practitioner if either she or the neurologist could write me up a letter so I could get on disabilities, and she said no, Hemipeligic/Chronic migraines are not considered a disability. Even though it really is disabling- I loose my ability to speak, its sensory overload, I can’t move the left side of my body as pins and needles shoot down all over my brain and down my spinal cord and to top it all off I go on unconscious for a couple of minutes to hours. She mentioned this paper I could fill out that she could sign off on would excuse me if I needed to leave work because of my migraines. I couldn’t tell you what that paper is, she told me three time, but my memory couldn’t retain it (You would think with memory loss being one of my main issues she would know to write important stuff down and give me a note-needless to say, after that she quickly left the room and didn’t tell me when the follow up appointment would be). The new medication she put me on, messes with my balance, makes me dizzy. (I feel like i’m on a roller-coaster and not in a good way) and it triggered my double vision! Needless to say, I tried that crap for two days and stopped taking it.

Do you ever feel like you’re not in a position where you can be honest?  its not like you go out of your way to lie, you just omit, sometimes critical information? Personally, I don’t feel I have that type of environment where I can be honest about what’s going on with me health wise and have it be received positively.  Like for example, I could say I have depression and my family would not NOT take me seriously. I told my brother a year ago- it took a lot of courage to open up and admit something is wrong (and I will admit is one of my biggest flaws) he looked me up and down and gave me a look of disgust and replied “No, I’M DEPRESSED, I take pills,  I go to THERAPY…you….you’re just sad.” His argument completely negated the fact before he got treatment; there was decades he didn’t go to therapy and wasn’t on medication-that did not make him any less depressed. That’s when I knew I would receive no comfort from him. There would be no comfort from mom either, somehow, she would find away to make this about bro, and minimize  what i’m feeling and what i’m going through.Clearly, if i’m going if i’m depressed like bro it must be jealously issues. Prime example, There was a point when mom randomly said “you’re brother depressed about lack of money” and I said “we’re all depressed” (mind you I was having one of my low days) to which she replied “not like your brother.” Which I thought to myself “that’s total bullshit; he is not the poster boy for depression, how does one honestly estimate who is hurting more and how is depressed and who isn’t.” Not so fun fact about me: remember what I said about “omitting information” I’m severely depressed and have been for over a year now….Do you know my brother had the nerve to say to me randomly yesterday afternoon “you know, I know you’re depressed…” As I thought to myself “No shit Sherlock, really what gave it away? the change in personality, the withdrawal from social activity and people, the everlasting state of sadness, the low self-esteem, the pessimistic view on life, constantly sleeping, exhaustion, increase alcohol consumption, tuning out reality, lack of focus etc.” But I ended up laughing manically , to which he replied “okay, guess not.” and quickly headed upstairs.
My next goal in my health is to see a psychiatrist, who hopefully will help me get on disabilities. If I do that, I could still bring some money to help with the bills, and focus on my health. Truth be told I am anything but well. Whether it is mental or physical, my illness is something only I feel, and regardless on if I have support in my corner or not, if people know just how much pain I am in or not. I can’t keep going on like this, My family will never notice i’m not okay. They don’t pay me enough attention to. Even if I say something is wrong they will not listen. So I must take initiative and save myself.

 

MRI

Hello everyone, and welcome back once again. I trust all of you are having nice weekend and if not; then I hope at least this week will be nice for you.

Okay, Let’s do a quick recap:

So after a little over a month of waiting I finally got the authorization to get an MRI.  This is my second time getting one, the first time I got one was back in 2009 I did talk about but that post was on my Xanga (show of hands how many people remember Xanga? its basically like wordpress)  Here is an excerpt of how it went down: [ Last time had a bad migraine got put in the loud machine, which BTW it was cold in there. They gave me this itchy blanket that did not keep me warm. And the technician guy; I don’t think he was use to taking blood. He pulled me half way out the machine. I kept jerking from the needle. I Told him if he pulls me all the way out and I can see him do it, I won’t jerk. But he said he couldn’t. Finally, on the fifth try I was like “okay just do it now!” by then he looked very nervous and was shaking. The  Bastard took too much blood. I know, because he was like ” I think I took too much…” When I got up everything was spinning I felt horrible, he looked really freaked out. Him:are you okay…maybe you…

Me: get away from me, just point me to the exit!

My bro looked shocked to see me come from the room. I didn’t get back up that day until around 7pm. I remember mom coming home and bro saying “Idk what those ppl did to her when she went in there she was fine she came out looking like death, staggering all over the place! She’s been sleeping ever since!”]

As for today I’m going on four days straight of me having a migraine with no breaks, and it’s taking a toll on my vision and the medication is not working. To be honest, since I’ve gotten back on my meds (I was off it for awhile due to lack of funds, bills and overdraft fees) I noticed my medication hasn’t been working like use to, It took more medication for me end the migraine. I think i’m building up a tolerance.

Any who, I didn’t get the message about the authorization for the MRI Friday January 20th in the afternoon, and they had scheduled it for the 23rd. Obviously I couldn’t do it that day, b/c it was too short notice. So I rescheduled it for Monday the 30th. I figured t would give my boss time to sign my time off request- A girl’s gotta get them coins you know!

So basically the weeks go by, you know he didn’t check his mailbox. So last Friday, in the morning I asked if I could have a meeting with him, and let him know I was not going to be there on Monday-and what the situation was. He was very understanding. Ten minutes later he finally checks his mailbox finds my time off request and signs it and gives it to me. I had already told the secretary a few days prior I would be out on Monday.

I know some will find this to be a horrible thing to say…But I do hope the MRI finds something wrong with me, I’ve been in a lot of pain (as you’ve all heard me complain) But these last few days the pain has been sharper and it’s staying in the same spot. Also I noticed the top layer of my brain feels like it’s burning (kinda like those pills the neurologist gave me that people hemiplegic migraines aren’t suppose to take) that type of burning but I haven’t had any).  The reason I say this is because, if the results come back negative then I know the doctors will drop the subject once again. You know after years of migraines-I was the one who suggested seeing a neurologist, or when medication doesn’t work-i’m the one who suggest trying something new-while the doctor is the one who assumes I’m the one who didn’t follow instructions… The pain will still be there, the memory loss will still be there…and I will continue to suffer as the doctors turn a blind eye to pain.

I hate this, I’m tried of being in pain and watching myself deteriorate. You know what sucks even more, i’m somewhat envious of those with physical abnormalities-at least others can see what’s wrong with them. They get a pass…But when you have something internal like hemiplegic migraines/Chronic migraine people can’t see it, a lot assume you’re faking, or you can take Tylenol and get over it.

Got Pulled Over at a Gas Station PT 2

Hello everyone and welcome back,

Hopefully you all read the first part of the story, now here is part two, yesterday I received a letter from the courthouse tell me, that they accept my guilty plead (mom told me to plead guilty) they charged me $140 and they want me to in to them before February 19,2017.  The fine is $47, the surcharge is $93. And the mentioned a service fee of 2.99% will be assessed on all credit card payments. If I choose to pay in cash i must bring exact change. If they don’t get the money by the 18th my license will be suspended and I’ll be charged $70. Why does everything in New York State have to come with a threat. Remember my old posts from when I was on unemployment and those letters I used to receive that came with threats about cutting me if I don’t show up to my meetings (even though I always showed up?) Mom wants us to go together to the courthouse  see if we can get the fine lower- I don’t see the odds working in our favors.  I wish the ticket had came with the fine on it. In addition I wish the cop hadn’t lied. He said it wasn’t a ticket. -The top of the paper said “it’s a ticket”, it said he give me a month extension, but the date on the ticket said “January 26,2017 5:30 pm”.

[Side note: I hate when I pay for something on my debit, and their is a pending and it doesn’t get pulled out in time. It backs everything up. that’s what happened with my student loan. I schedule a payment to come out in December for January, it didn’t come, so I checked online could not find records for it come out. So I’m thinking perhaps I had another memory lapse. so I did another payment for a different amount (lesser) would you believe, the original amount I schedule back in December decided to take it out a day later. needless to say I’m over draft now, and I’m thinking about the overdraft fees that will accumulate between now and the 2th (when I get pay-but I already scheduled money to be taken out for other bills!) and I’m worried I won’t be able to afford that Court Fine.]

As I mentioned before in “Fairy Tales Aren’t Real” Life has a way of throwing curve balls. I feel like my life is in overdrive I feel like it’s curve ball after curve ball…punch after punch. It’s like seriously, when is shit suppose to get better? I understand everyone must suffer a little to truly appreciate life and all that it has to offer. A little humbleness doesn’t harm anyone. I feel like too much suffering does more harm than good. It’s like “yeah, we made it to this point; but at what cost?” I am not the same person I was five years ago. That beautiful authentic spark  that was once in my eyes is long gone( it’s sad looking myself in the mirror my eyes look dull, its like no one is home). I’m fresh out of hope, I have lost my desire to honestly want to try. My heart is filled with bitterness and I am totally jaded towards the world. My soul is weary and filled with such sadness. A few weeks back, I did an astrological chart, and its said something along the lines “whoa you been through a lot of crap these past few years! With Your type of your chart, you should not have had as much bad luck as you’ve been having. But good news you’re in a transitioning year which means you can turn it all around!” That made me tear up, even if those things may be total BS for a brief moment in time, it was nice to hear someone say someone say I didn’t deserve half the crap I went through.

I’m not even touching on my depression (that no one besides my Rafe-my British pen pal knows about and you my readers know about it) or my Migraines that’s getting stronger-speaking of which after a littler over a month of waiting finally got authorization to get a MRI, I’m schedule to get on on the 26, hopefully this time it’ll show something wrong with me. I know that’s a horrible thing to say. But nothing sucks more, than knowing something is clearly wrong with you, and doctor performs a test and the results come back negatives and doctor basically drops the issue but you still have the symptoms.  It’s like just because that machine says it can’t find anything doesn’t mean the pain doesn’t exist!

My apologies to those hoping for a more humorous post.

Illusion or Perception

 

Illusion or Perception: A writing prompt

I suppose the meme is true to a certain extent however:

• If you had no problem with sleeping before but you really needed a new bed; money will help increase the quality of that said sleep by having enough money to upgrade to a really nice bed.
• A computer along with internet access will open people up to a plethora of information, however that depends on the person. If a person never had the initiative to learn before money; they won’t have it afterwards. Some people crave knowledge while others crave mindless entertainment. Not judging, it’s just personal preference.
• With money, a person can afford to buy food. I guarantee you at some point a person WILL get hungry. Now if you’re talking about the hunger for success…money will help make the path to that specific success easier to obtain.  However, money does not guarantee success; for example, lottery winners who take their money (bulks) and put it into businesses they know nothing about and without considering if there is really a need in the market for that business- these are usually the people you hear about going broke in five year. They usually start off big versus small.
• Trust me, give me the money and I can take house and turn it into a home, a home doesn’t just consist of what one wants to put in it, but who they chose to spend their time with, where memories are made. Also a home, is where one feels most comfortable and safe.
• With enough money, I could afford the best health care out there, and health doesn’t just consist of medicine you take, it’s the lifestyle that you live. Depending on a person’s mindset that can either help them or hinder them.
• Amusements can lead to happiness, it depends on what you are striving for. Are you looking solely for material value or are you more interested in moments. Personally, I think balance is key, both can make you happy.
• With money, you must be careful with how you choose to present yourself. Last thing you want to do is flaunt your wealth. There is nothing wrong with being wealthy, or successful. However; it’s wrong to flaunt it in other people’s face,especially those not on your financial or success level. Or give that impression that you are everyone else walking ATM, at first it may be nice to show you “got it like that”, but after awhile you get tried of footing the bill. I always said if I ever made it, I would love to be that rich person that no one knows is rich. I would be really hesitant to tell my friends of my wealth- I know some would be honestly be truly happy for me, and I know others would be low key jealous of me and would eventually ask “Why are you hanging around us…where are your rich friends?” You will need to make new friends that are in your financial status, who understand your lifestyle.
• With or without money, one can never guarantee faithfulness from anyone. As for obedience, there will always be someone out there who can pay more and sway people to go against you. It’s less about money and how you treat people. If you honestly make a connection with someone they may be less incline to betray you.
• As for the sex and love thing, with or without money it doesn’t necessarily guarantee you either.

So I Got pulled over at the gas station

Story Time: *gives you an innocent grin*. So on my way to speedway in front of Walmart, I passed by a cop, who happened to notice my inspection sticker wasn’t blue. I pull into the gas station near a pump, I get out the car and I notice that same cop drives around my car looking suspicious. He pulls up around me just as I’m about to insert my speedway card into the machine he pulls up behind. Now its a staring contest between me and the cop (as I wonder, is he gonna shoot me for being outside of the car, technically he can’t give me a ticket if I’m outside of the car…what’s the procedure for being pulled over when the car is already pulled over…) Upon noticing I am still standing, the cop flips on his lights. I take that as my clue to get in the car shut the door, roll the window down hands on the wheel.  So I get in, turn the car on so I can roll the windows down, then shut it off and wait. Now the cop comes out of his car and tells me why he pulled me over. I tell him the car belongs to my mom (she was supposed to take it to get inspected today but changed her mom her mind this morning) so I give him my license and registration he goes to run it …15 minutes (I know he’s checking to see if I have a record I’ve been pulled over before I know it doesn’t take 15 minutes. Everything comes back clean, he said its nothing personal its a safety issue he said he gave me a month extension (on the paper says 1/26/17 @5:30 at the latest), hands me back my stuff and leaves. So mom tells bro, he goes on his tirade, all I said was write down the window shield blade size and where I get it, text it to me, Next Thursday after work, I’ll get the blade and car inspected. Him: I’m telling you now WHAT YOU CAN’T REMEMBER SUCH A SIMPLE TASK!?” ME: no dumbass I can’t, what part of memory issues do we not comprehend, there days I barely remember how to spell my name and you want me to remember these places and blade sizes, not happening; just text it to me!  Him: go F yourself, now you’re on your own! He continue to make fun of my memory issue, while mom is like “stop it you two.” And stood there silently as he continue to insult me while complaining about paying for everything but nothing gets done in this house. Really Walmart would?, mom kept talking about auto zone, that and I don’t know how to change a blade, hopefully YouTube will be helpful.

Let Me Dream…

*Writing Prompt*

Let me dream…If it makes me happy to imagine myself in the finest of clothes and living in a penthouse that solely belongs to me…Let me dream. If it makes me happier to think of a near future where all my troubles are gone and I finally have a chance to know real peace…let me dream. If all I got is dollar left to my name and it’s a 1 in 500,000 shot I’ll win that Jackpot lottery…Let me dream. Trust me friend; I hear you on the whole “you gotta deal with reality”, Let me tell you something, I deal with reality every day: it’s stuffy, disappointing, tiring and sometimes it’s just plain heartbreaking. My horoscope says I can’t stay in my fantasy world; that I must deal with reality, I must accept reality. And my response to such nonsense is “why?” What’s so wrong with dreaming of leaving this hell hole for something better. For the nightmare to just…finally end? If it brings me  even just speck of joy…let me dream. My dreaming isn’t hurting anyone…oh I see, you see me smiling to myself having a fabulous time in my fantasies and you feel left out because you chose to “stay in reality”, you honestly think I’m hiding something. That I must be doing better than I tell people. No friend that is not the case at all; truthfully, I find reality to be a Debbie Downer and my fantasies to be entertaining, they make life bearable for me. Fear not friend; like most fantasies and day dreams…they have to end. Reality will hit me eventually and I will be reminded of my circumstances once more…But I won’t dwell on that. For now…let me dream.