Story Time: *gives you an innocent grin*. So on my way to speedway in front of Walmart, I passed by a cop, who happened to notice my inspection sticker wasn’t blue. I pull into the gas station near a pump, I get out the car and I notice that same cop drives around my car looking suspicious. He pulls up around me just as I’m about to insert my speedway card into the machine he pulls up behind. Now its a staring contest between me and the cop (as I wonder, is he gonna shoot me for being outside of the car, technically he can’t give me a ticket if I’m outside of the car…what’s the procedure for being pulled over when the car is already pulled over…) Upon noticing I am still standing, the cop flips on his lights. I take that as my clue to get in the car shut the door, roll the window down hands on the wheel. So I get in, turn the car on so I can roll the windows down, then shut it off and wait. Now the cop comes out of his car and tells me why he pulled me over. I tell him the car belongs to my mom (she was supposed to take it to get inspected today but changed her mom her mind this morning) so I give him my license and registration he goes to run it …15 minutes (I know he’s checking to see if I have a record I’ve been pulled over before I know it doesn’t take 15 minutes. Everything comes back clean, he said its nothing personal its a safety issue he said he gave me a month extension (on the paper says 1/26/17 @5:30 at the latest), hands me back my stuff and leaves. So mom tells bro, he goes on his tirade, all I said was write down the window shield blade size and where I get it, text it to me, Next Thursday after work, I’ll get the blade and car inspected. Him: I’m telling you now WHAT YOU CAN’T REMEMBER SUCH A SIMPLE TASK!?” ME: no dumbass I can’t, what part of memory issues do we not comprehend, there days I barely remember how to spell my name and you want me to remember these places and blade sizes, not happening; just text it to me! Him: go F yourself, now you’re on your own! He continue to make fun of my memory issue, while mom is like “stop it you two.” And stood there silently as he continue to insult me while complaining about paying for everything but nothing gets done in this house. Really Walmart would?, mom kept talking about auto zone, that and I don’t know how to change a blade, hopefully YouTube will be helpful.
Hello, everyone and happy belated fourth of July. I trust you were all safe as you were having fun over the weekend.
I guess, I’ll jump right into it…I’m nervous for today’s doctor appointment, after Months of waiting, i’m finally getting in to see the neurologist. Mom wants me to bring up the chest pains I get occasionally. I know my migraines which I have been having every day are an issue that need to be dealt with. But truthfully, besides my migraine my main concern is my memory issues. I mentioned in my last post that I feel like i’m running out of “time”, that is still true for me.
My body has been in pain for awhile now, I feel like i’m getting worse not better. I’m tired of waking up in pain, and acting like nothing is bothering me. Last Tuesday the 28th, I got my wisdom tooth removed they gave me hydrocodone to help with the pain (they only have me six pills and advised me to take each pill with a Tylenol and Advil. I took mine with 2 Tylenol 650mg so I was on about 1500mg of pills a day. before the wisdom tooth removal I was placed on amoxicillin (it really didn’t do much to stop the tooth problems-it was keeping me at night) and I have amitriplyn to help with my migraines 10mg (i’m use to 25mg) My point being for the past while i’ve been in pain, and i’ve been taking a pill to help with that said pain.
My medication provides me with very little relief; and uncomfortable side effects, like excitability -that leave me feeling jumpy, grogginess, dry mouth, bad breath, nausea, smaller appetite-(i’ve lost a lot of weight) treamors-that can be somewhat painful. Thankfully, the pain in my mouth is gone and so is the hydrocodone (it was known for putting me to sleep!) that’s one less pill I have to take. Because the doctor’s appointment is today, I opted to be off all medication for 24 hours, it’s been awhile since I had last been sober (in the sense of no pills -I haven’t had a drink in awhile either). To be honest, I feel exhausted although most of what I have done this weekend is sleep because of the medications. I feel aches all over and I have another migraine.(I hate the stabbing pain that comes with it.)
I’m rambling aren’t I? my apologies…the reason i’m nervous is because, what if after all this waiting, he does his test and finds nothing wrong with me, what if he tells me that my memory is fine, when I know it’s not? I have a history or doctors telling me i’m fine, when I know i’m not.
Forgetting my DOB, having trouble signing my name (i’ve noticed over the past few weeks i’ve been having problems remembering how to spell my first name when i’m doing my signature. Thankfully, no one is pointing out “hey, you spelt your name wrong.” I’m fine with typing it, but when I have to write it…not so much. My spelling in general is getting worse, and one of my worst fears happened; forgetting how to drive while driving. I couldn’t remember how to stop the car as I was going over the bridge and coming up on the red light, after a few trial and errors with the peddles I finally got the right one-just in the nick of time. I’m still having issues remembering my passwords at work and some have been the same since I first started. The random feelings of confusion “what was doing…wait, why am I here.” It’s nerve racking to having those moments of confusion….All I want to do when that happens is retreat to someplace quiet and less stressful. But all I can do during those moments is try to calm myself down “take my time…it’ll come back to me soon…” and in a few seconds it does. It sucks when I can’t use my memory to back up what i’ve done. For I can’t be sure if I actually did it or not, I can’t rely on my memory. Like the time I wanted to cook bacon, I placed it in the pan, set the timer and turned on the oven. Only to discover, yes, i put it in the pan in the oven, but I never set the timer and I didn’t turn the oven on let alone plug it in. I had imagined I had done it when I didn’t.
About a week or so ago, I had a dream, that it was confirmed that my memory was declining as well as my health and my life expentancy had been shorten incredibly. I also came upon a small sum of money. so I decided to get my friends together and go on a girls trip. I didn’t tell them the true reasoning for the trip. For that would have been such a downer. We ended up meeting and making friends with some music group. I had promised the head guy I would go to his show, but my migraines and memory was really getting worse (to the point where I was seriously considering wrapping the trip up and putting myself into an assisted living home.) Needless to say, I got turned around and confused by my surroundings I ended up getting hit by a car. And would you know it; that’s when my memory decides to come back and remind me where I am and where I need to go to get to the concert. I declined going in the ambulance. I was in a lot of pain, coughing up blood. But I was determined to keep my word. I made it to the concert, security and rest of band commented on the fact that I look like I should go see a doctor. I saw the lead guy who was happy to see me and then commented on my appearance with worry. I shrug it off and and tell him “it’s just a migraine, of course I wouldn’t miss your show! go…the crowd is waiting for you…I’ll be alright…” He went out, I started coughing up blood to which other people noticed I asked them to get me an ambulance but not to disturb the show. Next thing I know i’m in a shared room, there’s a nurse and preacher and some other person on the other bed. and I remember saying “There’s no point in me getting comfortable, I won’t make it through the night.”Next thing I know the band is there, as well as my friends and I come clean on everything that has happen and the real reason for the trip.” I wanted to fill my last few months with happy memories, I figured although I won’t remember later, I was hoping that happiness I felt in each memory would stay.That and that photo album would help fill in the missing pieces. Although, I was in a lot pain, I never felt more at peace, I had did what I wanted to do and had fun while doing it. Thus, I had no regrets.
Not sure what the dream is suppose to mean. But I hope I get some answers tomorrow as well as better migraine medication.
I had an interesting dream last night, I dreamed that I was dating one of my high school Ex’s We will call him Tim. He was doing the same thing he did back then, I initiated the conversations, I had to engage holding hands; he was pleasant enough, soon enough I held back on showing any affections. We end up at the Mall, he goes on about how he wants to see if they have some new game out. So he heads over to GameStop, I see him in line with these other people waiting to play this game, he seemed content enough, so I’m like “I’m gonna go do my own thing.” so i’m looking at the various shops and items, someone had entered me in a contest, and my name got called and I had one 5 grand in cash
. One of the people didn’t want to give up the money, Paul Mooney (the comedian) was the announcer, and he talked the guy into giving me my money. “Don’t be upset that you lost; just think of as it wasn’t your turn to win, she played and won fair and square. Your turn will come eventually.“ So I get my money, and I am ecstatic and i’m thinking “What bill should I pay off first?” Part of me is like, The credit card that needs to go. Yet, I was thinking of putting some on one of my student loans and the phone bill…Then I thought, wait I know what I could do with a proportion I could buy Tim that game he wants. I head back to where Tim is after checking out Yankee Candle, he’s no longer in the line. But he’s upset that I left him there. To which I replied “you seem happy there so I figured it was best that I leave you alone. He went on about how he wanted me to watch him play. (Then I get hit with a memory of reality-back in HS we went to a competition, and we got separated and when I finally found him, he seemed happy with his group of friends; so I thought it was best to just leave him there. I told him later about it and he got upset and said I should have pulled up a seat or said something.” ) I’m thinking de ja vu? Next thing I know we’re sitting in this therapist office, going over what we think the problem in our relationship is. He said I was bit cold and unfeeling, he doesn’t feel as though I care
. and my response was “he doesn’t act like a boyfriend.” I went on to explain how lonely I feel in the relationship, he doesn’t show any form of affection; he doesn’t hold my hand, hug me, has never attempted to kiss me. I want a real relationship, that’s in person, not over text, emails or notes. I want a guy that bothers to take me out. if i’m your girlfriend act like it, hold my hand, initiate contact, if you miss me then tell me you miss me, if you want me a round; tell me you want me around , and most importantly act like it. Do you know what its like to be in a relationship that makes you feel unwanted
. The thing about it is, he’s not a verbal jerk, it’s all in actions. For example, when I great him in the morning; I’m all smiles and sunshine-because i’m really happy to see him. You know what he gives me? “mmmm” I have to ask him questions to prompt him to ask me questions. or that time in HS we were taking a picture for our FBLA club, we were the first two in the room, I’m sitting next to him everything is fine, next thing I know other people are coming in, he literally gets up and moves to the seat furthest away from me. Its like everyone already knows we’re dating, what are you doing? I wanted to cry so much at that action; that straight up disrespectful. In that picture I look so upset. He was fine with taking the picture he just didn’t want any proof he was next to me
.. I hate having to grab his hand first; i feel like i’m pushing myself on him, and I don’t like that, so I start pulling back. The biggest mistakes he made towards me and still has yet to this day to apologize for. He join some type of vocational training called “New Visions” and he got in. Don’t get me wrong I was happy for him. what bothered me was he never told me he tried out for it, and never told me he got in. It was his friends girlfriend who let me know. You know how horrible that is to hear, you’re boyfriend isn’t going to be around anymore from a stranger? He was just going to leave and not say anything. That’s what irks me. He could have told me the truth, he was going to be really busy and instead of dragging the relationship out, its best to end it now (give me some closure), yeah I would have been a little disappointed that I wasn’t going to see him anymore;but I wouldn’t have shown that, I would have smiled brightly at him and wished him best. I could have used that summer to deal with my heartbreak and would have been doing just fine by September. But he couldn’t bother to give me that. I know he’s not an idiot and knew what he was doing. Before I dated him I was in a relationship with guy who treated me horribly-everyone saw it, but at least in the end I got closure. He never really liked me, he just wanted to conquer me it was all about the chase. He wanted to nail the black girl (thankfully he never did :D) , he said the reason why he was so mean to me was because others were giving him a hard time about being with a black girl, so he took it out on me. Mind you, I made sure I was over him first before I started with Tim.
So to answer the question Doc; that’s what’s wrong with our relationship, how can I possibly trust him. or want to invest any emotion or time, if I know its not going to be reciprocated? if I know he’s just going to pull a disappearing act yet again? So yeah, I am keeping my distance to protect myself. At the end of the day when the pieces drop the only person whose going to be there to pick them up is me.
*obviously, it’s a dream so there has to be a happy ending.* And he did apologize for how it all went down and admitted that it was fucked up how he handled the situation. “I didn’t know I was making you feeling that way, I can’t change the past but I can change the presents. First things first *grabs hand* I’m going hold your hand more. and I’m going to tell you, ‘I missed you’ when you left me in that store. It wasn’t just about the game, I wanted to spend time with you. When you left, it was like ‘okay, she doesn’t want to spend time with me.’ Now I know you were not being selfish, you were trying to be considerate towards me, I’m sorry if I made you feel like I didn’t want you around.”
Then the doctor said that we were making progress, but it seems like the main issue in the relationship was lack of communication. “The reason why he felt like you were uncaring, was because you started pulling back on your feelings, to protect yourself from the pain he was causing you. That’s horrible that you feel lonely in your relationship. You have to speak up, if someone is making you feel uncomfortable or isn’t living up to the expectations you believe they should especially in a relationship, you have to let that person know. Other wise they are going to assume you are okay with that behavior.If you let them know the deal is and they don’t change, you have two options. 1.)deal with it. 2.) cut it loose. As for you young man, as the singer Bobby Womack said “If you can’t give her love; give her up.” If you don’t want to take the time to be in a relationship and put in the necessary time and effort then that’s fine. But you need to let your partner know that; so she can move on; and I don’t mean by disappearing; schedule a meeting time, sit her down and tell her what it is. You OWE your partner that. When you up and bounced you messed with her sense of security.I get you’re a busy person-but guess what so is everyone else. You could have taken 5 minutes out of your time to break up with her properly. And you young lady, learn to speak up, and more importantly; it’s okay to put yourself first in a relationship. Sometimes you have to rock the boat for change to happen. Sometimes men don’t get that their actions can have a double meaning. I don’t think he purposefully went out of his way to cause your harm. But, he could have been more cautious of his actions. My point is; TALK to each other, don’t just say what you think the other person wants to hear. And don’t try to handle each other with kiddie gloves.
So we left the office, feeling much better now that the elephant in the room had been discussed.He reached for my hand, and we took a light stroll around the city and the park. Where he treated me to ice cream, I finally got to have my hug and I did get kiss on the cheek. and I replied “see, that wasn’t so hard now was it?” and we continued to walk on and laugh about other things. That’s where the dream ended.
It was a good dream; I never realized how much bitterness and animosity I harbored towards Tim, over what happened years ago, I didn’t know thats how I really felt until that moment popped up again. It hit me I did end up with baggage from that relationship. That I do have trust issues, and abandonment issues. I knew I had some issues but it’s nice to know where it stems from.More importantly, the roll I played in it as well. And I learned from the therapist: Communication really is the big factor on if a relationship will work or not. As for the money portion of the dream, I think it was telling me that I could “strive” for success, and still make room for love too. That it doesn’t have to be one or the other. Money, is nice but there are things you cannot buy with it. Ultimately it’s my decision on if I want to start dating again. But like i said it’s nice to know, a person can have it all it doesn’t have to be all or nothing. That and a sincere apology sometimes really does fix everything. I know the real Tim will never apologize but it’s nice that my subconscious thinks/knows I deserve that much, so I can chuck my baggage to happy.
Hello, everyone, today’s going to be a quick rant followed by a toast to all of you.
Okay, so today I was filling in for the Secretary, I was doing great, I had all the applications I needed open, so I could easily switch from one thing to next. When a new patient comes in they have to fill out a Hippa release form. To help me remember, I always put Hippa forms into the new charts; so when I open it i’m reminded “okay, this person needs to fill this out.” So the doctor comes over, opens up the charts (on the wrong side) sees only the charge ticket and is like “*sigh*…you know when we get a new patient, they have to fill out Hippa form *as she goes to reach for a blank on.” I reach inside the chart that she’s holding grab the Hippa form that’s filled out and put that on top of the charge ticket and reply oh so sweetly “..see, i’m getting better.” and she replies in shock “Oh, you remembered.” I’m just thinking “was she trying to throw some underhanded shade at me? check the fucking chart before you say/suggest someone didn’t do something.” Yesterday, another doctor comes up to me, interrupts my confirmation call, to resend an report to a doctor’s office she’s like “I don’t know if you sent this to the doctor and patient, but I put the wrong thing on it, so could you resend this new report.” I smile sweetly and tell her I will, I checked the sent log, I signed off on the 16th of this month that I sent out the reports, I also looked up the confirmation page and shows me that fax did go through on the 16th. I’m just thinking, if you weren’t sure, why didn’t check the logs, I felt like she was trying to place some blame on me, for her mistakes. There was another hiccup, I had just entered in a charge ticket, and after I did that I noticed the doctor hadn’t wrote the diagnostic code. its when I went to go get the code from her she’s like “Oh, don’t worry about doing this charge, I already did it.” At this point i’m annoyed.
When she was at my window giving me the paper she didn’t tell me, She told me that patient was making a payment and needed to schedule an appointment for 3 weeks from today. Nothing about that damn charge ticket. I know there is a way to delete a charge, so I texted the Secretary, (I had an idea where I was suppose to go in the application but not what to write.) she walks me through it via text, and also sends the doctor an text message. (She made it seem like the doctor told me not to enter the charge and I did it anyway. Which is the complete opposite of what I told her. I don’t know why she felt the need to tell the doctor, when it’s something that can easily be fixed in 60 seconds).
So the doctor comes in the room she’s all upset with me, because she thinks, I went an did charges anyway. I remain calm, because I know the situation isn’t as deep as everyone is making it out to be. I inform her I got the notes and can easily fix it, and that I had entered in the charge ticket before she told me about it. and she’s like The Speech Secretary can help you out, she knows how to do it! …Did I really not tell you about that prior to you coming into my room….*walks off* (I’m thinking, how the fuck am I suppose to learn this job if you keep wanting to give tasks to other people. The speech Secretary calmly and friendly; let’s me know, if I get stuck to ask for help.) I did get a little stuck, I had a question about one thing, the secretary was a little confused as well, but she helped me out. And the situation was fixed in like 60 seconds.
I didn’t get to leave on time, I couldn’t until all charge tickets were done, and I didn’t know if her last appointment required payment or not, so I had to wait to enter it into the payment log, while she was with the patient, I had to finish looking up charts for Tuesday (can someone explain to me why i’m looking up Charts for Tuesday, if i’m gonna be there Monday?) Also, am I the only one who finds it odd a doctor knows how to enter in a charge a ticket but doesn’t know how to delete one? Instead of like 4:15, I got out at 4:51. I didn’t have the car, had to wait for mom to come and get me, I had to wait an extra 30 minutes (she forgot about me and went shopping.) I am very proud of myself today, I did much better than I did last time, I gave myself some extra notes, to help me out where I forgot stuff last time. I’m gonna give myself an “A” I did a pretty good job, Right before I turned out the lights to office, I remembered phone call I was suppose to make (me and this woman had been playing phone-tag all day) by then I had shut off everything, and I wasn’t gonna turn that computer back on, the office is closed, the day is over. I left a note for the secretary to handle it in the morning.
To all my friends; near and far. Whether you’re in the USA or another Country. *Raises glass* I wish you all a safe, fun, and happy new year. 2015….was tough….and that’s putting it lightly. Some of you did well, others of us; came out with a few more scars and little bit jaded towards the world…The good news is; we made it, we’re a little battered (exhausted) and our wallets are thinner then what they should be. But I like to think we’ve come a lot further today, then we were 6-8 months ago. If you had a great year; god bless you. But if you’re like me and you had a crappy year, I wish you the very best in 2016, I hope your wallets get fatter, you’re burdens in life lighter, and I hope you find some time to seriously just …treat yourself (to do whatever truly makes YOU happy.) So to my dear, darling friends, I wish you all the best in 2016.*raises my glass a little higher* “To 2016, may we all finally get the break we so deserve!” grin emoticon
Hello Everyone, and welcome back. I trust you have all been well.
Okay, I sincerely don’t believe honesty is a bad thing. However; I do believe honesty should come with a warning label. Since so many people say they want it but can’t handle it. That, and I believe that perhaps I should come with a warning label as well. “If I am ill, or if I just wake up and you ask me for my opinion on something; instead of being “tactful” like I usually am, I’m gonna be short and too the point and brutally honest. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.
Ever have one of those days, where you take a nap and you slept too hard. You wake up, your head is pounding, one of your eyeballs feels like it’s just a little too into the socket- making your vision all haywire and you just feel jacked up. The reason you woke up “One of your friends decided to text you something that’s completely left field” while you’re staring at this bright ass screen trying to make sense of what the tiny words saying to you.
*keep in mind of the paragraph above* Me: “Instead of complaining. Simply take this as a wake up call. Find out what it is that repels people from you. Then do some internal reflection as to why you do the things you do. Finally , make the choice : To either change for the better and move forward with your life. OR stay the same and deal with the consequences of your actions. See it’s quite simple.
*Needless to say, he didn’t respond anymore after that. Which kind of sucks since he woke me up from my nap. Perhaps I didn’t give him the response he was looking for. But I saw no point in beating around the bush; especially with my head pounding. Besides, people don’t alienate you for no reason. you had to have done something. I think he wanted me to coddle him and turn him into the victim in this situation. The truth is, he’s no victim nor should he play one. We’re getting older now, shouldn’t we take responsibility for the role we play in a situation? I could never understand people who always feel the need to play the victim to gain sympathy from others; enabling an excuse to indulge in Maladaptive behaviors, that are not only becoming a hindrance to one socially but it’s starting to have a physical impact that is leading to the deterioration of ones health! (Man I sound like a therapist- i need to get my tush in gear and get into Grad school-but I digress…) These people have brief moments of Epiphany’s that are truly shallow within themselves they say “they’ll change” but, we all have that friend, that we know isn’t going to change. I’ve been listening to his problems for a few days now, and I’ve come to a conclusion that i’m sure he wouldn’t agree with. The conclusion is this: We’re all growing up and moving forward in life, and there comes a point in life when you start to outgrow your friend(s) especially that one(s) who don’t want to grow up, who’s content staying where they are-that’s not a bad thing, everyone is different, everyone matures at different rates. However; that person or persons has to realize that just because they are happy with being stuck in “Park” doesn’t mean the rest of us aren’t going to be “Drive”. You can’t expect everyone to stay the same; time keeps moving forward. The stupid stuff we did five years ago, it’s not cool now. The song that comes to mind for my friend and his issue is “What’s My Age Again” by Blink 182
And you still act like you’re in freshman year
What the hell is wrong with me?
My friends say I should act my age
What’s my age again?
What’s my age again?
That’s about the time that she broke up with me
No one should take themselves so seriously
With many years ahead to fall in line
Why would you wish that on me?
I never want to act my age
What’s my age again?
What’s my age again?