I See A Lot Of Grown People, But Not A Lot Of Mental Growth.

Hello everyone,

I know it’s been FOREVER and day, this website layout has changed a bit as well. When was the last time I talked to everyone, was it 2019? Obviously, a lot has changed since then. I hope everyone is doing well, physically, mentally, socially and spiritually. Congrats to everyone who made it through the Pandemic and are still here. My condolences to those who have lost a loved one due to Covid 19, or due to the rapid increase violence in this country. I’m not sure when the last time was that I posted within 2019. So, I guess in true Recie fashion, I’ll give an update.

I dropped / blocked both Pen Pal Ryan of seventeen years and my former bff of the north of twenty something years out of my life. I just go to a point where I was dealing with my own severe depression and self-esteem issues and getting off of bad medication that was clearly having an effect on me. I couldn’t deal with their toxic bullshit anymore, it was at that point of, “I want to get better and you’re both poisonous to me”. So, I blocked them, it was not like I didn’t give them warnings that I was getting tired of being treated a specific way, but you know how some people are that get way too comfortable in their positions and believe because they have been there for so long you won’t kick them out your life and then you do. And they circle back around but you are quick with the blocking. This happened back in September 2019, I haven’t spoken to the since and have zero intention of ever doing so.

Then the Pandemic happen in late February- Early March, pretty sure I had Covid in that February, I still say I caught it from a hospital I had an interview with-didn’t get the job (They wanted me to talk up what office job would mean to me, they basically wanted me to make it sound like I would live and breathe for this job. I was like, “I know you want a more colorful, insightful answer. However, I feel this question is better suited for someone who has worked here for at least six months who can give an honest authentic analysis of this job. For every business is run different, and I don’t think I can give you the answer that you want based solely off this paper, we all know how a job is described on a paper isn’t the same as actually working it. Needless to say, their smiles dropped I could tell I lost the job, honestly, after sitting in that waiting room for a while, I wasn’t feeling it. But I did get one question right, the question was: “Where do you see yourself in five years from now?” I said, “not here” and that was true; obviously, I said it in a more polite Fromal way, citing growth and development and wanting to take my newfound knowledge and skill and pursue other avenues. Working in an office at a job I don’t love for thirty plus years is not my dream. I did a lot of cleaning and sanitizing during those couple of weeks I was really sick and somewhat bed ridden, my family didn’t even notice. During that time my brother was a total hypochondriac this was also when his social media platform really took off, and that is when I experience financial abuse. I asked my mom for help with my credit card debit. To recap, I left my job in March of 2018 due to health reasons, I applied for disabilities-didn’t get it, despite having my issue for well over ten years. During that time, I quickly blew through my savings (I was paid minimum wage- I never worked a job that I ever made a living wage, even when i was full-time.) I asked my mom for some help, she went to my brother (I didn’t go to him because I knew he would say, “No” laugh in my face and make me feel like scum of the earth asking for help. So, he helped but in exchange he has felt the need to constantly berate on the daily, step into my personal space, telling me that I’m, “worthless, I’m a burden when I’m alive, and I’ll be a burden when I am dead, and do I know why? because mom would still ask him to help pay for the funeral.” I had to deal with those unprovoked comments on the daily. Mind you this is the same man, told me I am “nothing” and during that time I was working and I had to go to work during a snow storm and almost got into a few accidents due the roads being so horrible, “You should have road the BUS, YOU COULD HAVE TOTAL THE FUCKING CAR, WHY YOU COULDN’T RIDE THE BUS, AT LEAST THIS WAY IF THE BUS GOT INTO A HORRIBLE ACCIDENT AND YOU DIED, WE COULD HAVE GOTTEN COMPENSATION, WE WOULD HAVE MADE SURE YOU WOULD HAVE HAD A DECENT FUNERAL, HOW CAN YOU BE SO FUCKING SELFISH! THIS COULD HAVE BEEN OUR TICKET OUT OF HERE!” Mind you he said a lot of his kind of crap to me in front of my mom, who allowed it, because now that my brother was making more money, “He finally feels confident in himself.” Me: “At being abusive?” Now that he was the breadwinner, he had no problem with showing this side of himself, I had always seen it as a kid, but he would code switch when adults were around, and they just assumed I was, “being jealous of my brother.” Now he was being way more vocals in putting down others particularly the women in our family, I hate how quick he is to call my aunt the B word, and my mom just listens quietly and laughs. I’m like how are you okay with him calling your younger sister that? You know she said, she didn’t hear the word; like homeboy did say the word with his whole chest. I’m like, despite your current feelings towards your sister now, that woman has rocked with you through a lot, has helped you out in helping to raise us. He’s way too comfortable with disrespecting women. He’s really been laying into mom for the past few years, part of me wants to feel bad for her, but the other part is like, “You literally created this monster. All your years of preaching misogyny, your hateful comments towards women, you and other women like you, are now seeing the fruits of your labor. Did you really think your monster wasn’t going to turn on you? Did you really think he wouldn’t get to that point that; ‘women‘ includes you as well, and now you too are seen as a weaker, dumber inferior sex in his eyes.” Part of me feels bad like 2% of me, but the other part me doesn’t feel bad, it’s about time she gets to experience the crap I have had to endure for decades. She tried to get on the whole, “How real men act.” To which I replied, “He is real, he is a man, and how he is behaving is in accordance with the men of today’s society. what you mean is you want him to behave like a gentleman. But he wasn’t raised like one. This is who he has always been, you’re just now seeing it. He still looks down upon anyone who doesn’t have a hundred-grand in their account at any given time. But he clearly has a lower regard for women.

So, the past couple of years I have dealt with severe depression, at one point in true venerability (this was back when I still had my office job- and I actually was suicidal) I admitted I had depression, and I was hoping he could recommend me a good therapist since he was currently seeing one. The look of pure disgust he gave me, and he looked me up and down with contempt before saying, “No you’re not depressed, I GO TO THERAPY, I TAKE PILLS! YOU…YOU’RE JUST SAD.” Needless to say, I knew at that moment, he would never grow as a person. I remember in our youth of him saying, he had gone to an adult for help for depression and no one believed him. And now here he is decades later same situation but with the roles reversed, this was his moment to break his karmic cycle and he chose to not do it. (I honestly believe his depression is his identity and he doesn’t know or want to know what he would be like if he didn’t have his issue as his crutch.) Naturally being rejected in such a vulnerable state, I self-harmed again, he showed concerned for about five minutes then went back to being his horrible self. That’s when I legit stopped caring about my brother. I don’t think there is a word to describe the contempt I feel for that man, it’s…an interesting level of, “Doneness. Of his whole existence” I have for this man; I want absolutely nothing to do with him there is nothing he could ever do to redeem himself in eyes. That man has made it clear since day one of me being on this planet he does not want me around. I don’t think it’s so much me he doesn’t like, but rather, what I represent. I am all the things he could never be; I may not have the money he has or whatever accolades he may have but there are things I do have and that I am capable of:

I have friends, I’m sociable, people generally like being around me in person, I get along well with other. I’m dependable, I have no problem with helping others out without expecting anything in return. I find him to be far more Negatively emotional in his decisions and approach to life whereas, I am more level-headed. He walks around with an air that clearly says, “He has something to prove.” Whereas with me, “I’m Me, this is me and i’m okay with that. I don’t walk in a room looking for competition. I’m just here to do my job and go home.” I feel like there is an air of genuine confidence I have that he doesn’t. I feel like his confidence is driven by the need to belittle others to make himself feel better. As with me I am okay with my oneness, I don’t feel the need to compete with anyone. It bothers him that I smile and still stay my bubbly self, even when the situation isn’t that great. I try to find the silver lining in everything, because I know there is a lesson to every situation, and I know that irks the hell out of him. He was miserable when he was broke, and despite having more now, he’s still miserable, and it just kills him inside to not see me crumble. It’s like I have a superpower he knows he will never possess in this lifetime. Refusing to be his audience when he does his tirade, I know really grinds his gears. Overall, I am just a better person (my character) than him, it’s kind of like the whole Lex Luthor Vs. Superman dilemma. Despite all that Lex has accomplished and done, no one is cheering for him. Because he’s self-absorbed everything he does is pure self-interest, he may say he’s doing it for others but really, it’s all for him. Why do people like Superman? He’s generous, he shares what he has, helps were he can. he’s charismatic people like being around him. He never makes anyone who doesn’t have powers feel less than. He’s not going out of his way to get attention, Lex does. His kryptonite towards me is to throw my faults in my face, but even that is not working anymore because I have made peace with it. I’m like okay, should we talk about your time with the juvenile court system due to stealing? Should we talk about the times you stole from this family, sold the items and kept the money for yourself? Should we talk about how mom covers for this day, “He doesn’t steal. like he didn’t steal her credit cards in the past and buy things.” What the else do you call taking something that isn’t yours so you can sell it for money? – I swear the toxicity is ingrained deeply.

Over the past years, one of the hardest things I had to go through/ accept was giving myself permission to simply let go of this ingrained idea that my life needed to look a certain way, that my goals needed to be accomplished by a certain time and that there was this competition aspect with my fellow peer group. It took a lot to accept, that’s not my path. The odds were never in my favor for that path. It’s thought to see others thriving when you are not, and life decides to throw a shit storm your way, and you’re force to deal with a lot of karmic baggage and dark nights of the soul. There was a lot of mental and spiritual internal work I had to do. Unfortunately, with that type of journey there is no physical or material item you can show for your own internal success. It’s like being a main character at the end of a horror movie, they’re bloody, dirty, their clothes are all tattered, the look on their face says, “I’ve been through and seen and heard some shit you wouldn’t even believe. But I’m here. I’m still standing, forever changed; I’ll never be the same again. And now I have to navigate this new normal.” The level of maturity I have reached, the level of unbotheredness and wisdom I have gained. These are priceless gifts but at the same time, it’s a very isolating experience because I know there are so many around me who are not at that level despite their age. And I am learning to accept, if they haven’t learned “it” by now, they won’t in this life and that is where the disconnect is between me and others. There’s going to being a little PTSD from that (from that clusterfuck of shitshow that has been my life for ten years- I wish I knew better words to describe the last ten years, but unfortunately, I do not, there are no other words to describe the magnitude of “What the hell was that?!”). (Honestly, I think we all have a little PTSD from life). My greatest accomplishment was to let go, and stop fighting the current, get off the pills that were making me have self-harming tendencies, giving myself permission to leave, just the power in that alone, leave the room, the conversation, the person without feeling like I have to give an explanation. These motherfuckers didn’t care about hurting me, so why should I care if they get offended. They start up on the bullshit, and I go on autopilot, and I leave. Honestly, I never felt better, others have told me they feel very dismissed by my actions. Honestly, I am A Okay with that.

I got back on medication this year (I finally got a chance to see a doctor, i pushed back seeing one due to Covid, and then when did apply for an appointment, it was pushed back); it’s been a bit of trial and error with the new drugs. I learned Triptans are not for me at all and have a negative effect on my condition. I told my doctor I didn’t want it and he’s like, “Let’s just try it; it usually works.” I had mentioned how I reacted in the past to triptans and how that triggered my hemiplegic migraines. One of the pills in the past said on the medication form, “People with Hemiplegic migraine shouldn’t take this.” the newer medication my doctor gave me, on the medication list it said it was similar to the medication i had taken in the past. This one gave me a similar reaction to the others but this time, it affected my ability to walk, it felt like there was gel between my joints making it very hard to move, my arms and legs became very stiff and heavy, my body felt like it was on fire internally. I had to stay standing during that painful process, something told me, if I didn’t stay standing for this duration, I wouldn’t be able to walk ever again. So, when I saw my doctor again, I told him NO MORE TRIPTANS, I got put back on topiramate. which I know works for my migraines, I just can’t keep food down, which I had gained some weight so i wasn’t mad about weight loss. Before those two drugs I was placed back on a blood thinner which in the past had done nothing for me, and I told him that and he’s like, “let’s give it another try.” I have been through a lot of medication, why these idiots thought it was a good idea to go back on stuff that doesn’t work I don’t know. Finally got to see a neurologist and new person this time, and now i’m on Ajovy. I do hate injecting myself with a needle but it’s the only medication i have been on where I feel normal, where I don’t have a side effect. Normally my pain level is at a 6-7 and now it starts more at a 4. I have a pill I take when I feel nauseous and that knocks me out like a tranquilizer and left recovering from feeling drowsiness afterward, and i use another pill when it’s just pain but no nausea, which is like a stronger ibuprofen. But if I take it too often, I end up with a rebound headache. Because that’s what NSIDs do, I think I can take three pills within 24 hours with hours between them as needed for my migraines. so, if it’s a migraine that’s been going on for over four hours, like sixteen. There is the chance it would end, but then a few hours later I would have migraines again because the body doesn’t like having too much NSID. I see my neurologist in September so I shall see if there is a better alternative pill, I can take with the Ajovy. Ajovy is making me a little better, some days the duration is small, which is great. usually, mine last for 24-36 hours. so, if I’m only dealing with something that is 6-8 hours that great. Honestly, it bounces back and forth with duration depending on the migraine and I still have sensitivity to light and smell, Ideally, I would rather have two shots instead of one, I think that would be just the right amount of medication, but from what I’m seeing, they either give it in one shot or three.

There was a chip incident a few days ago, with my brother eating my chips, it’s one thing if he had poured himself some and left me some, but he took the whole new unopened bag to his apartment. So, I had to get up the very next day and go buy a new bag. So, I asked to be compensated for the chips, because he clearly went and took them for his girlfriend. I don’t know this woman, haven’t met her and my brother keeps a messy house. It’s not sanitary, so i didn’t trust eating from the same bag. So, I asked for $2.24 back. You know this man sent a long text message, about the Credit Card debit he paid for (which i never asked him to do that, mom did. Which I thought she had already paid him back) He went on about possible jail time for not paying (He doesn’t even mention, part of the reason I went in debt was helping out this family. All the times I had to put gas in the car because he’s the type to use up all the gas-he does not believe in refilling a tank and he won’t let you know it’s close to empty. What was I supposed to do it was too late to grab a bus at that point. Buying the washing machine- mom was supposed to pay off, she paid $50 towards it once and that was it. The time mom was on food stamps and bro wasn’t working but I was, and she didn’t check her EBT card (even though I told her multiple times to do that before we leave. I helped her out with the groceries numerous times, because her EBT card declined because they didn’t release the fund (what were we supposed to do starve?) And I did not get paid back. That $508.20 part of the bill was due to me buying glasses and contacts out of pockets because I lost my full time benefits due to having to call out because I had hurt myself on numerous occasions at my job and i needed to recover (My only regret is I should have taken myself to the hospital and filled Workmen’s Compensation before losing my benefits, I figured no one would believe me being in pain, because people usually dismiss my feelings. I should have gone to the hospital and filled anyway.) That’s the one thing that irks me about the credit card debit, I have nothing to show for it. It’s one thing if I had legit been splurging on myself but I wasn’t. Let my brother tell the story all I did was waste money. I also had to get the glasses because I slipped on a show bank trying to get home at night, I was downtown it was like 10:30 or 11pm (winter time), it was snowing it was cold, I didn’t want to freeze waiting forty-five minutes for a bus, so I chose to walk over the bridge, in the street and when a car came I had to climb up on the snowy hill side walk, the roads had a lot of ice on it and I didn’t want to risk getting hit in case a car slides. Well, a car came driving pretty fast, and I quickly pivoted myself over the snow barrier, at the time my glasses were in my pocket due to the wind and falling snow making visibility hard to see any way. but when I fell, I lost my glasses, and it was really hard to see stuff with snow falling at the rate it was and the wind. It didn’t help i fell in a dark part of the sidewalk where the lamp post wasn’t. MIND YOU, this man (my brother), has a mustang, he wasn’t working during this time, he knew I was coming home late, he never once offered to take his car and come get me. His thought process was, no one came to get him when he was younger, why should someone come get me. I remember being, in the minivan when mom picked him up from work at night as a teen. Never mind, he’s 5’10 and male walking at night, versus my 5-foot female statue. He tries to make it seem like the dangers are the same. The level of danger is not the same. If he gotten off his ass that night and came and got me (I was only about 3-4 minutes away by car), I wouldn’t have lost my glasses and I wouldn’t have had to replace them. How hard is it really to be a brother that wants to make sure his sister comes home safe at night? It angers me to no avail to be placed in such a villainous role when I am clearly a victim. My mom yell at me when she found out, apparently, I should have waited outside in a snowstorm for about forty minutes instead of trying to get home as soon as possible (the side I needed to be on for the bus had no shelter). I’m like, I am A WOMAN ALONE outside at NIGHT during a snowstorm, I’m tiny and not muscular, my tiny little ass would have gotten snatched up if someone with bad intentions had saw me. I still don’t understand what the fuck she was upset about, I’m the one who was dodging cars, I’m one who fell, I’m the one who lost their glasses and had to replace them. She got to ride in the car, so what was her problem? And then my brother mentioned the food bill (mind you I don’t eat that much, my mom pays half, and he pays half, I’ve been eating off her half, so I don’t know what he’s going on about. The number of times he has Kinckle and Dimed her about the cost of an item only to be told, “I paid for that, not you.” Just for him to be like, “Oh, well it’s still expensive.” So, i responding back in a calm eloquent way, that basically said, “I didn’t know YOU were struggling so much financially, if $2.24 is going to break you mentally, maybe you need it more than me. You’re this hung up stealing from the poor (that is what I am) clearly you are not as rich as you think you are. ” It was more of a read in between the lines type of thing. I can’t believe this asshole honestly wanted me to starve to death. I can’t believe a man who brags about his income constantly doesn’t have money to buy his own fucking bag of chips. He put money on the table, and then proceeded to steal the new bag of chips I had just bought that day, and this was after me saying he could keep the old chips I just wanted to be compensated for the new bag i had just bought. Thankfully, those off brand Doritos sucked ass and were extremely SALTY (just like his personality), so i hope they made his tummy very uncomfortable. Honestly, I look forward to the day, I can really get my shit together, pay this man his money. Honestly, I’m cutting all ties, they’re already cut mentally and emotionally.

I’ve gotten much better in my mental health, I don’t think I’m depressed anymore, there are traces of sadness here and there but it’s not depression. I still have my anxiety which triggers my OCD (especially when things are moved around without my consent, it really messes with my sense of security). Apparently, mom didn’t know I had that, which goes to show how people can literally live in the same house as you but know nothing about you. At this point, I’m like, “Lady, what information do you actually KNOW about me?”

On the bright side, maybe it’s just my state of mind but lately I have a feeling that change is in the air and that I will be leaving soon. It’s like I am mentally folding up and putting away / discarding the last of my emotional life baggage (it feels like my karmic debt is almost paid in full). It feels healing and relaxing, that feeling that inner knowing that “I will be okay real soon.” I’m curious to see what the universe will throw at me this time. Hopefully, something good.

Oh, and I won some tickets to see the haunted mansion, I plan on sharing them with friends and taking myself out for a movie matinee.

Also, during the past few years since 2018, I have written, two novels, one Autobiography, a collection of short stories. I wrote my first novelette and I’m doing another collection of short stories and what makes this collection different is, I finally wrote a story with a happy ending (the themes haven’t been so heavy). I struggled writing those types of stories, but I am finally out of my funk and can write happy endings now; stories that aren’t heavy. Which is a huge thing for me, once I am done with this collection I will try again with looking for literally agents, maybe I will have better luck this time around.

Well, I hope all of you are doing better than me, stay safe and stay well and trust and believe, it(life) really does get better…eventually.

Are You Kidding, Me

Hello everyone long time no see or should I say, “write.” I hope all is well for you and your family wherever you are in the world. I wish I could say I had a colorful explanation as to why I have been MIA but, nope. A lot of stuff has happen yet, at the same time not much at all. So, I guess I shall simplify it down to: The Pandemic, unconscious stress by watching way too much news, my hypochondriac brother, people refusing to wear masks, societal animosity, dreams of me being in places that have bombs and almost being blown to bits! overactive intrusive thoughts that trigger my anxiety, my brother continuing to be one of the biggest assholes of all times-side note, I don’t understand people who feel the need to take personal unprompted digs at people every chance they get. I feel like if people could see how I am treated, I don’t think they would find him funny. The narcissists would but not everyone else… if anything I am sure he would come off as a bully.

Okay, so a hypothetical scenario popped up, “What would you do if you had X amount of money?” So, I talked about the thing I wanted to do besides the obvious clearing debt and that’s getting my first home. And that any home I got I would do some renovations to make it feel more like mine. You know, nothing over the top, just: painting walls, switching out chandeliers/ light fixtures, upgrading the fish tank, fixing the cabinets so they are short person approved. Then once all that is done I could finally go furniture shopping. Since to me, it makes no sense to get furniture when work needs to be done to the house. The things I want to do should roughly be done in a week-to a week and half tops. Since currently, all I have is a bed, a coffee table (which is probably and end table) and three workout machines. I have had my eye on this one house for years, and if I could get that house some day, that’s what I would do first and then do a little remodeling on one side of the house in spring time; at most that would take two-three weeks. My brother had mentioned he wanted to move to Texas and mom was thinking of going there too. Lately, she’s been watching some YouTube videos on Texas and I think it’s making her question her decision. She mentioned that my brother doesn’t know where he wants to go in Texas, but from what I heard a few months ago about his decision, he knows exactly where he is going and the house he wants. Any way, she’s going on about Texas heat, and fire ants etc. my brother is convinced Texas is the place for him, he is well aware of heat (he plans on using AC), sunlight (he knows how to stay inside and prefers to sleep during most of the day) etc, much to my mother’s dismay. My thoughts were if you are looking for perfection you are never going to find it; every state has issues. There are homes that she wants, but they aren’t on the market anymore they were bought and if she could have her way she would ask the current owners to sale the house to her. I brought up issues about buying a house during the pandemic. For example:

1. Getting tested for Covid-19 and getting that Negative test result before you go viewing any homes. Is a curtesy to every one.
2. Understanding , if people are already occupying the home; unless they have accommodations somewhere else, they are going to need at least 20-30 before they could move.
3. Baring in mind, if they are covid-19 positive, no, they cannot leave their house and spend their quarantine in a hotel so you can move in sooner! She literally asked me this (-_-)
4. Even if you do get the housel it does need to be thoroughly sanitize before you can move in. Either way you are looking at a day or two depending on the size of the home and what needs to be clean.
5. Despite how much you may offer for the home, there are some people who actually LOVE their homes and will not sell, thus it’s best to have a fall back plan.

So, she’s still going on about her reservations with Texas, so, I reply, “This sounds like a ‘you-two’ problem and not a situation that concerns me at all. She was making it sound like this was going to affect me. I’m like, “not at all” She’s like, well, I suppose we can just move in with you until we know / figure out what we are doing. In my mind the sound of a record scratching happened. Honestly, I got offended over this hypothetical situation. If you have been following me for awhile, then you may have noticed my brother treats me like crap, always has but he has been more so over the past few years, I’ve been constantly, told, “if I died no one would miss me, my thoughts have no weight, I don’t matter simply because I don’t have X amount of money in my bank account, the fat shaming, even though he’s bigger than me. Mind you, all this crap said to me has been unprovoked. I had to live with mom hearing the things he says, and being silent and telling me to, “pick my battles/ you really shouldn’t be so sensitive, you know that’s his humor. So, you can hopefully imagine the pure elation I would/ will have some day, when I can move out and be completely independent and never have to speak to my brother again! I can only imagine the short lived happiness I would have at having my own place only to be interrupted by mother and brother moving in until they “figure things out.” I don’t want that man anywhere near my house fucking up my feng shui and that’s on period.” Let’s also take into consideration:

1. The homes I like and are interested are White in interior and clean, this man is not good at keeping things clean. I could only imagine the type of damages he would cause to my home for the time he is in it. He doesn’t respect me as a person and I know he is not going to respect my home. Which is a problem, I know if I say something he’s not going to take me seriously and I know mom is gonna tell me to chill out which would only piss me off further. This whole, I’m going to litter every where I go to “give you all something to do” philosophy he has, is not going to fly at my house. Same could be said for mom and her lack of cleaning up after herself, The flour and food she leaves on the floor after cooking (we have dark wood finishes- it stands out, all that flour but she didn’t see anything!) Not wiping down the counters and stove so there is grease left everywhere. When she was working, there were no issue she cared but since retirement she doesn’t care anymore and her cleaning is subpar.
2. His dog is untrained. His dog is one of the sweetest, friendliest over hyperactive dog. Which sucks; if she had the space to run around and was trained she would actually be a really great dog. If you recall earlier in the post I mentioned, regardless, on where I end up moving, the interior painted was something I wanted to do. Imagine , hiring painters to do their job only for you brother’s over hyperactive dog running and lunging at people and knocking over paints and running away with brushes. The painters would be annoyed (that could potentially be a dangerous situation if they are on a ladder at the time of an incident), I would be annoyed and angered by all the spilled paint (now they have to replenish that, which could push the job getting done back a day), especially if she took that brush to a different room that doesn’t have floor coverings! now you have to scrip the floor and get it re-varnished. and if that’s happening in a room that wasn’t getting fixed before now you’re paying extra And my brother would going on about how cute the dog is, completely ignoring how this is an issue. I speak from experience, not with paint, but holding dishes, or very hot items and having his dog jumping all up on me, and my brother didn’t care I could be burned, or that her claws were scratching me, leaving me bloody, his response, Oh, the dog loves you so much!” People don’t care about a cute dog they care about a cute, well-behaved dog.

The issue that’s bothering me most about this hypothetical situation is, given the way the scenario was presented to me, everyone has more than enough money to stay in a hotel and all of our stuff is in storage until we purchase our homes. So, I don’t understand why she would feel like they and their stuff would need to move into my home. Also, it’s that she didn’t bother to ask but simply assumed she could show up whenever she wanted to and could move in without asking. It’s the lack of consideration about how she’s inconveniencing me. It’s like she refused to acknowledge in this situation, she is not the owner of the home, she is an uninvited guest. It’s one thing if she had acknowledge the situation, “I know this is a unique, special time for you and you have a lot going on right now. I know you have a timeline with things you want to get done before you can really start to settle into your home. I know this going to be somewhat of an inconvenience but if it is alright with you; can your brother and I stay with you for at most two to two and half weeks as we figure out where exactly, are we moving to as oppose to us staying in a hotel?” Then it would be somewhat okay, because she would be acknowledging how this might be burdensome to me, and putting a much needed time limit on her stay. It’s also rude of my mother to assume that my brother would even want to come if he has his heart set on Texas I think there is a strain or a conflict, between what she would like the situation to be versus the reality of the situation. We are all going in different directions and want and need different things to be happy. And one of the biggest ingredients to our happiness is personal space from each other. And it’s a bit shocking to her since we’ve been together or so long, she’s gonna have to get use to a new normal.

she mentioned me visiting her and I informed her I had zero interest in going to Texas. She got a bit of an attitude and was like, “What so we can only go and visit you?” To which I replied, “you don’t have to visit me if you don’t want to. I didn’t invite you, in all these scenarios you kept inviting yourself.” I noticed in these hypothetical situations she talks about inviting herself, and stocking up on something I have. I told her my home was not a store, its one thing if I went shopping saw a few things she would like and when she visited I let her know and gave her , the stuff. it’s another thing, if she is walking around my kitchen , pantry or wine wine bar and decides to start taking stuff. Especially, when she can afford it. She made the who situation about me “acting brand new” because I got some extra change to my name. Honestly, as I think about it, it’s not about money, it’s about establishing healthy boundaries so I can flourish and be the best me that I can be. My family is negative and I do tend to second guess myself more when I am around them. My family can be toxic and negative, but if they are not around, my courage increase. It’s like a switch, I go from, “I don’t know what do you think, what’s your opinion on this…” to “I know exactly what I want, and what I want and need to do and this is what’s gonna happen!” When she asked me what my excuse was for not visiting her in her hypothetical home in Texas, I said, because I didn’t want to. She got all offended and was going on about how I was acting like I was too good for everyone and that I was essentially ruining the dynamic of our “tight-knit” family. The look on my face…the SHOCK! my brother and I have never ever been closed, I have never considered us a close family. in all honesty we really don’t know anything about each other. I feel like we are a bunch of strangers placed together due to circumstance. She talked about how we shouldn’t let money separate us, which would be fine in theory if there was something to separate, but we were never together. When she said that it was hurtful, because I am being blamed for us not having a strong connection. I took in a stock of everything I’ve been through, and all I could think was, how TONE-DEAF ARE YOU? it astonishes me and amazing how some people, know how fucked up a situation is and will rewrite it to suit their narrative. In her mind she honestly feels like this is just sibling rivalry or playful banter, it’s not it’s straight up animosity. She really refuses to see this for the emotional, verbal abuse this is. I am disgusted by this realization, yet, at the same time I appreciate it. It shows me, this bullshit is not in my mind, and that I will and am doing the right thing by limiting my time and access to my family. Healthy, boundaries are needed and should be enforced and never taken down. More importantly, I don’t owe anyone an explanation for the life I choose to lead. By seeing everyone’s true colors; should this situation ever become reality, I should be confident in knowing I will walk this path alone, it will be tough in the beginning but the payoff will be worth it.

Although, I am sadden about how I am constantly being misunderstood and labeled as being self centered, even after all the crap I do for others without being prompted. I feel like some people can only accept the way they treat others by vilifying them. We were discussing the lottery a few days ago, and I said, :If I ever win the Jackpot lottery, I’ll make you a millionaire; could you buy me pizza, when I get my first home. The night in my first home I wanted a pizza. Let’s face it, my first night I am NOT cooking. The way she looked at me in astonishment and was like, LE’TS SHAKE ON IT!! It honestly, insulted me on how she was under the impression, if I ever won a jackpot I wouldn’t give her a couple million. She probably thought I would only give her a few thousands. I don’t understand her logic into think I’m stingy, her son is the one who “Nickels and dimes her constantly!” if she ask me for money and I got it, more often than not I give it to her; zero attachments it’s not brought up again, very rarely do I ask her to pay the money back. I give her the due date that I need the money and I leave it at that. I hope I don’t spend the rest of my life being misunderstood.

Oh No She Didn’t!

Hello everyone,

Welcome back, it’s a pleasure to make your acquaintance once again. I know…I know. I’ve been gone forever and day. So, let me start of by saying, “How are you? Did that thing you working on or contemplating on work out in your favor?” I don’t know, it’s been so long since we last talked I am assuming a lot of awesome things were happening to you and if not….*Gets overly dramatic  as a spotlight falls on to me* “Darn the universe! Darn this retrograde can’t you leave us alone so we can have nice things!” But seriously though, I hope things work out well for you, you deserve the break.

A lot has happen to me. I am not sure where I left off last time. So, I guess I will give you the highlights.

1.  Still unemployed and broke AF. I watched a YouTube video awhile back where this manager was like, “I don’t hire those who have been unemployed for awhile because to me it shows they are not dependable. Especially those who took time off to focus on themselves or travel. Over the connotation ‘life is short.'” It’s attitudes like that manager that lets me know, whose in touch with reality and who is not. To completely negate the hiring process in and out of itself is annoying. Especially for a man who lets on his but all day making money.
   

   
2. I did get a chance to talk to the SSA Judge. Like with any other person I talk to about my issue. At first no one takes my migraines seriously, until we get to have a discussion and I get to go more in detail about my illness and how it impacts my life. Then I feel like the other person goes from being skeptical-judgemental to understanding. There’s a shift in the body language and facial expression that tells me, “Oh, you’re not faking.” My Primary Care didn’t send in my medical records and i’ve been seeing doctors about my conditions since Fall of 2008.  So the Judge will request those documents again. Then she may send me to specialist to have my evaluated. “Its one thing if this was an issue like a back problem then it would be easier to determine my decision. But since this is dealing with the head, its complicated a doctor looking at you for five minutes isn’t going to make an accurate assessment. “- Judge
   

   
3. My ex boss showed up at my home to let me know that the speech secretary is quitting her job and if I wanted the position he would recommend it to me. He said it was Full Time. Talked to the speech manager it’s Part Time. I did apply for the Full Time position when it was posted. But never saw a posting for the part time one. Either way, I’m not tripping. I know how hard that job is and how many people depend on that one person.  Side note, Is it bad that I want a job that’s low stress?
4. I have been on countless interviews and still have not gotten hired. It’s like, “Hello, I’m available, I live close by, and this job is not hard I can easily do it.” And I don’t get the job. My last interview was at this law firm. All I would have to do is, is electronically scan every piece of mail that comes in. Answer phones, take messages, and forward the calls, create charts.  It’s almost the same distance as my last job. Except my last job was up the hill and the law office is at the bottom of the hill. I asked her about stress and communication of the job. She mentioned about those in the past who were overly stressed just refused to show up. That reminded me of Macy’s.  I hate when people (i.e Managers) make a job sound like it’s the hardest in the world, when it isn’t.
   

   
5. Oh, my food stamps got cut. They had me do the re-certification interview. Just to tell me, that this would be last cycle of me getting benefits and after that I wouldn’t get anymore, because I am not working. Have I mentioned I applied to over 200+ jobs. So i’m thinking I’m good for the next few months. Nope! the card is still active but they didn’t add anything on. I have called twice and left messages and they haven’t gotten back to me.
6. Do you recall my pen-pal from England? He messaged me a few days ago about how he moved in with his fiance. Then a week later she kicked him out and how,” he can’t win from losing.” Before that, he had been drinking and smoking excessively  with really no purpose in life. Not sure what happen. But one day while we were talking his whole demeanor changed and he wanted to focus on positive things. I think he went to a therapist to deal with is issues and get on some meds. So, he started working on him and getting himself in order. So, when he told me got kicked out I was like, “Oh wow that sucks! But don’t let this stop you from continuing to better yourself, for yourself and your daughter. What matters at the end of the day is that you keep doing better for yourself and your daughter because you both deserve that.” Fast forward to the next night at around 4 am. I get a message from his fiance. She’s pissed.  She goes off on how I don’t need to be in their business. He has no right to be telling me about what’s going on with them. She read the conversation and didn’t like what I was saying. ” Honestly, I was shocked; all I could think about was that first verse in that Taylor Swift song, “You Need To Calm Down.” “You are somebody that I don’t know But you’re takin’ shots at me like it’s Patrón And I’m just like, damn, it’s 7 AM Say it in the street, that’s a knock-out But you say it in a Tweet, that’s a cop-out And I’m just like, “Hey, are you okay?”
   

   

   

I just don’t get the issue of what was the problem about me telling him to do good for himself and his child. I was more concern he will fall of the wagon stressing about this relationship. I couldn’t help but think, does she want him to go back to drinking excessively and smoking weed all day not caring about anyone else but himself again? For the record, I didn’t ask about his relationship, he just told me. And I have said in the past although I do appreciate the confidant he does need to speak to his woman if he wants the problems fix. Coming to me way to often about his relationship is a form of a emotional cheating. But the girl didn’t bother reading any of that. She only looked at that one part instead of reading all of it. It’s like, why are you trying to check me when:

one: you didn’t come correct.

Two: I live in a different country.

three: I am not in the relationship with you; shouldn’t talk to your man instead?

It would be different if she had came to me in a mature fashion and said “Hey, I know you’re long time friend of his and he likes going to you for advice.  Lately, me and him have been having some communication issue. I get why he talks to you but the thing is, our issues will not get fixed if he keeps letting outside people in. Next time he tries to talk to you about our relationship please defer him back to me.”  Or something to that extent. I would have agreed to do that. But because she came at me like I was the issue when I am not the issue. I just left her on read. I was not going to entertain such immaturity.  When he and I get a chance to talk later I will be expecting an apology from him.

1. For putting me in that position where I am being targeting in the morning from an angry girlfriend.

I could understand, if I did something wrong or if we talked every day (we talk once every couple of months)… Or if I asked about the relationship but I didn’t! I want to take a moment to apologize to the guys out there who are doing what they are suppose to and you still have your woman checking your phone which leads to unnecessary drama because they are only looking at certain parts of the message and feel the need to contact people based off that.

Oh side note, I was informed that there has been a group of teenagers who have been going through cars that have the door unlock on our block. They have already hit the neighbors car. And did you know the trash guys will not take trash that has maggots in it? we had to go out and re-bag everything. My brother was on his pedestal and believes they should have taken it any way

. The bin was too heavy and there was too many maggots I wouldn’t have wanted it myself. but once we double bagged everything and got rid of the maggots they took the trash away a week later.

2018 Recap

Hello everyone,

It’s a pleasure to make your acquaintance once again. I know it’s been FOREVER and a day since I last posted. I am going to hope and assume all of you have had overall an fantastic 2018. Mine has been a downward roller coaster and that’s putting it lightly.

Before we get into it, Can i just say watching New York’S NYE celebration on television left me feeling very underwhelm. I don’t have cable so i had to use YouTube. i don’t think the camera men knew depending on which stream the user used, there was either: No volume, one was split into five different screen, and the one who did have volume and one screen, only showed that blonde hair girl who couldn’t sing. Around 1am i looked up the line up and discovered that there ware other performers, I just missed them. I checked around at other countries. To be real, only Dubai delivered on overall presentation.

There are a few things I have definitely learn from 2018.  Lesson one: always read the fine print. And even if you think you know what’s going on, reread it before any major changes. For example, when I cashed in my retirement.  Back in April, I gave up $1500.00 because I ended it before three years.

Lesson Two: Moving on job wise is never easy. Unless you already have job lined up and even then things can go sour. I met a guy who got a job across the the USA  and he convinced his wife to sell the house and leave her teaching job. Only to get there for a bit and find out the job is gone. My feelings are, how does one get another job without references? The answer is you can’t and it’s not like your current employer is going to give references. It’s as if others want people to stay stuck in a place with no forward moment up.

I have been through a roller coaster of bad luck that just won’t quit. Just when i think I have a moment to breath something else happens. It’s hard to stay positive when there isn’t anything to be positive about. Not going to lie, I wish life was like a game and with just one tiny step; I get rewarded with a “Get out of Jail” or “Do Over” card. Wouldn’t it be nice to simply rewind time back to a moment when you believe things went south and change everything with the knowledge you currently have? Unfortunate, my luck sucks and life just isn’t that way. I feel as though I am perpetually stuck in neutral . While the world continues to pass me by.

Speaking of life passing me by, My thirtieth birthday is coming up. I’m still unemployed, it sucks not having a phone, relying on someone else for calls means I miss a lot of phone calls. Seems like this years a little more so than last is going to be a crappy birthday.  I desperately need a change of scenery. Writing would do me good, but so far I am drawing blanks. My mind feels like  half painted canvas. The urge to finish is there (write a new story) but the motivation is not.

Hopefully, I will hear back about something soon about a job. Because so far nothing is going my way.

However on that one in a billion chance things do finally look up for me,  I am hoping to either visit, Seattle, Philadelphia or LA for my birthday. I need a vacation like you would NOT believe.

The Unemployment World Is Such A Pain To Navigate

Hello everyone and welcome back once again. I hope all of you doing well and getting your best life. My life on the other hand seem to be a constant state of, “This Totally Sucks/ How can we make Recie suffer?” I seriously cannot stand how much my life actually sucks.

1. I am forever stuck in a constant state of rejection mixed for dejection. Its like despite all my hard work and amount of debt I placed myself into just to get a decent job, in the end it was all for nothing.
2. Have you ever a read a job post and thought to yourself, “Wow. finally an easy job that I can totally do and excel in.” Only to scroll down the page and find out they want Master’s degree. They will accept a bachelors but you have to come with seven years of experience.  Seriously, What…the …actual…FUCK?! why would I need to do the same repetitive job for seven years straight with minimal change just to qualify for your job? Let’s be real, the job in question  does not require bachelors or a masters. Literally you could get away with doing that job with a high school diploma. Honestly why would anyone want to place themselves in debt for that job?
3. I hate how job posting lack flexibility when it comes to prospective employees. When it comes to a job candidates, they all want the “perfect employee.” They want a person who has all the check marks on their resume.  All I am saying is, if I had all those qualities, they would have to pay me my worth.
4. I hate how all jobs are far away. I have a car. It needs new brakes. In an ideal world I would not mind driving to a job that was a total 20 miles around trip.
5. Okay, so I am a little behind on my phone bill and because of that. They keep cutting the service (they did that when i first bought the phone too). It’s to the point where the service will only last about an hour. It pains me and pisses me off to no avail. That there might have been plenty of call backs about jobs. But because the phone company decided to cut the service, I missed out on those jobs. It’s like you would have had your money by now had you not cut the service.
6. I wish all companies had this system where if you were not what they were looking for. One, they would email you to let you know. Two, they would take your job and send it to another facility is really close by. Or let you know, “hey you are not a fit for this job but we have jobs x..y…z for your consideration.
7. I hate how long and tedious the disability and now DSS process is. I am truly sick and tired of jumping through hoop, climbing mountains to prove something is wrong with me. I am tired of filling out paper work and answering the same damn questions over and over, going to interviews and being rejected.
8. I am fed up with family members bring up financials woes around me. I feel like they are low-key telling me to get a job. The who process is annoying. It’s a total killer on my self-esteem. I just cannot figure out when did I become such a loser. When did I become so undesirable that no job wants me?
9. I hate that my mobility is now limited. My kneecaps suck. Stairs are not my friends and even after sitting for a bit when I go to stand up it really hurt, my legs feel like they cannot support me. This problem really limits me on what I can do living wise and job wise. I really am sick of this endless bad luck.
   
   

   

A Few Things That Have Been Irking Me

Hello everyone and welcome back once more. I know like usual I have been gone for longer than a hot minute. Unfortunatley I haven’t had anything to update about and I do not wish to bore you all with the trival.  So instead of talking about this phase of my life that seems to be a current standstill. I figured why not talk about a few things that I have been seeing over and over that is really irking me. <side note, hope you are all doing well>

 

1. Redundant commercials. There is one commercial/ ad for this game where you are going back to 14th hundreds and you start off as a slave/ peasant and work your way up to concubine and then hopefully empress. I hate it. One, because I have seen it far too may times and two, because I feel that it is a poor representation of the past. All I could think is, “why are they encouraging pimping oneself out to the king?” I always hated how the current queen could be kicked out of her role if she doesn’t give the king a “song” or if the kind would rather be with his new “toy”. Women had it so rough back in that day and there weren’t any laws to protect them at all.
2. advertisement that do not interest me or appeal to me. I noticed lately on those YouTube videos, if you hit the skip button sometimes it doesn’t even let you skip. It makes me watch the whole video even after I have pressed that button multiple times. I have said this before but I wish there was an app that could alter ads to cater to the user preference.
3. Two questions I hate when it comes to interviews. .) Why did you leave your old job? Is there a nice way to say, “too much work, low pay. stressful environment. Oh, and I hated my job with a passion.” Which out sounding like and entitled jerk? and 2.) Why do you want to work here? “Uh…you have a job opening for a position and I happens to meet the vast majority of those qualification for the position?”
4. I hate how I can’t seem to find any good shows on Netflix. I found a werewolf show. “Bitten” spoiler alert. She outs the whole entire clan to the humans (the whole show she kept complaining that she got turned into a werewolf). All I could think was , centuries of trying and maintain this secret and she chose to gave it all away… the vampires must be having a field day with this one! It was a good show until last season half way though when it felt like they got all new feminist writers and changed the directions of the story line completely.  I don’t mine a female leading the pack as long as she knows what she’s doing. But giving her the job just because she’s a female. Was just a dumb choice in my opinion.
5. Side note, last week I almost got into two consecutive accident (car.) The first car decided to cut me off and the send car an elderly man drove in the wrong lane and almost hit me head on. I was so shocked I forgot how to use the windows, so I got out as he stared back at me unsure and I yelled at him to reverse his car and get into the correct lane.
6. Did I or have I ever mentioned how much I hate hot weather. Hot weather is only for those who have A/C.  All we have are fans. All that is doing is pulling in hot weather. Hot weather makes me sick. I need fall to hurry up and get here.
   

   

   And finally, I hate what this heat is doing to my hair. There is just no relief in this house.

New Things That I want To Try Before I’m 30

Welcome back again everyone.

This list is based off of the article, “22 New Things That I want to Try Now That I’m 22.” By Sarah Maria Sena Soares. Feel free to google her if you want to see her list.

I just happened to come across this article and I thought to myself, “I want to do a lot of these things.” As we know this is a ranting to blog. I feel through this blog a lot of you know what I don’t like/ cannot stand in life. And what my annoyances are. So I figured why not take this time to share more information about myself. Thus, having a post that isn’t a recap or a rant.

• Go Sky Diving. I always wanted to do this. But I want to jump attached to an instructor. If I like it them I don’t mind jumping by myself. I knew a few teachers who had done sky diving and they loved. it. I feel internally that I am a control who realizes I cannot be in control. So, what better way to reaffirm that then to jump out of a plane.
• Go bowling. I am the only person that I know, who has never done this. You would think i would go since there is a place literally down the street from me. But I have no one to teach me.
• Try out skiing. Believe it or not I always wanted to learn how to snowboard. Anyone who knows me, knows that I love Winter and I love snow. So for me to get into winter sports would be awesome! I wanted to try out in high school but mom kept telling me, “You’re black. Black people do not play in the snow!” *insert side eye*
• Travel to at least one European country. For this December or for my birthday it is my goal to finally put my passport to good use. I want to either go to, France, England or Ireland for a week. For me I always wanted to go to France I had an opportunity to study in France and due to  a lack of funds I could no go. So for me, it would be an epic and awesome opportunity to make up for a lost adventure. Ireland, I know seveal people who have gone and they loved it. England my penpal of 18 years lives there.
• Visit at least one of the Seven Wonders of The World. I know a guy who went to see the Taj Mahal. I want to see  the Great Wall of China. I wouldn’t mind seeing the Taj Mahal but due to the media’s portrayal of India. I am worried about me going there. I have to admit that’s what sucks about being a woman. Especially a woman with an Independent spirit such as myself there is a urge to go off on my own and do my own thing. However, as a woman I have to be very vigilant about crimes against women. Let’s face it,  a woman particularly, if she’s somewhat attractive is very likely to get kidnapped. Versus her male counterpart.
• Learn how to swim so I can learn how to surf. I always said if I ever get a chance to move to California (providing I get over being scared of earthquakes) I would totally either adopt braids or dreds and become a surfer chick. Keep in mind this is in my fantasy world  where I have enough money to the point I don’t have to work again if I don’t want to and I can spend my days doing things that interest me.
• Learn a new language. I am trying to learn Korean and little bit of Mandarin right. But definitely, if I could take a language class that would be amazing.
• Take up a dance class. I did Zumba back in college. My favorite dance is the waltz believe it or not. I would love to learn the Cha Cha, Tango and any other type of ballroom dancing.
• Travel to a state I haven’t been to. Has been my goal for the last few years. Unfortunately this year I was unable to go to Canada. Otherwise I would have tried to pick a different state. I want to see California, Texas (even though the only reason i would go would be to see a friend.) Florida (Disney!- I may be 29 but I am a total kid at heart!) Ohio (we drove through Cincinnati on the way back from college from what I saw of the town I really loved it. Maryland I want to see D.C again this time without my mother to ruin my trip.
• Try a zombie run with my friends. I would need six months notice to get in shape.
• Get my palms read. I have been wanting to do this for so long! But there isn’t anyone within 50 miles of my home. I know it may end up being a total load of crock but I am hoping I come across someone who actually knows their stuff who can give me much need insight!
• Learn how to fly a plane and get my pilot’s license. This is something I hadn’t taken seriously or even thought of until I started playing the lottery seriously. The mansions I was looking at had a ton of acreage and a helipad. I believe they said it’s sixteen weeks to become a pilot. If my future is ever in my favor, I plan to do a lot of traveling that requires flying. I think it would totally come in handy to know how to fly.
• Go hiking, I did do it once back in elementary school. It totally sucked but that’s because they had us do it in the middle of the afternoon in 95 degree weather. I would like a partner to come with me and for us to do it around 7 am when it’s still cool.
• Some will find this to be odd but… You know how their has been criticism about people putting raisins in the Mac and Cheese or potato salad? They normally call the character “Karen.” I personally want to try the food and find out if it really is that bad. For me it’s about being open to new things.

What are some things you want to accomplish within the next year or so?

I Want Off The Merry-Go-Round of Rejection

Hello beautiful people and welcome back once more! I have been gone for what feels like forever and day.  My apologies, for what it’s worth I hope everyone has been having an awesome Summer thus far and life has been going well for you.

I wish I could say my life has been going well but as you can see from the title things have not been running smoothly at all. I don’t remember what we discussed last time. So, let’s do a quick recap.

• March 28 I filed for disabilities. It was a long-drawn out process. On May 17 I was told to come in and see one of their doctors I was scheduled for two appointments but the last one cancelled and they didn’t feel the need to let me know. So I had to come back on June first to finish the second half of exam.
  

  Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

• June 1 my car mirror fell off at the house I did not notice it until I was at my destination  about ten miles from my house. When I was a quarter from my house I literally look at my mirror and didn’t even notice it was missing. Sad part I even looked at that mirror (my right) to make right turns but didn’t notice it.
• June 22 the decision was made and I got denied. They felt my condition was not disabling enough. The stated I could lift up to twenty pounds and stand for 8 hours (total lie, I cannot my balance suck and my perception is somewhat off. I kid you not on the daily i spend time walking into door frames or the wall when I went to go out of the door.)
  

  
• Before June 22 I figured since it was taking this long there is a strong possibility that due to past experiences that things will not go my way. So I did apply for unemployment, I figure if it doesn’t work out I will head back to work. I just received a paper last Thursday that …. you guessed it I was denied. Which sucks since online they still let me weekly claim but I cannot get any money. They said I left my job for no good reason and I took no steps to get help or keep my job. Firstly, I have been seeing a neurologist for two years. If, that is not taking steps to get help or control my condition I don’t know what is. Secondly, I hated my job with a passion. It was eight hours of work jammed packed into four. The pay was not that great. Heaven forbid I fell behind because of the amount of work, I would get a talking to. Yet those constantly one their phones or shopping on the computer didn’t get any thing. I spent majority of my day screaming in my head, “I HATE MY JOB, I WANT TO QUIT.” I felt that I stayed as long as I was going to, and that i learned all I could and I simply platitude.
  

  
• During the mix of all of that, I almost got scammed. By a vanity publisher. Thankfully before I signed the contract I googled the business and nothing positive came up. You may be wondering, “Well Recie how did you get in that situation?” We all know I have two completed novels under my belt. I want to get them published. So I either googled publisher who are accepting submissions for authors without and agent. Or a newsletter to a blog I follow had a list of publisher accepting submission. I went on the publisher’s website and looked around it seemed legit to me. Upon receiving the contract the part that tipped me off that this probably isn’t a traditional publisher is when they asked for 2300 British Pounds which is roughly $3082.33 USD. I don’t mind self-publishing if the author has the cash to pay for everything. But if it’s from a legit company and I am forking over that type of cash I want majority of the royalties if not all. Since I would be paying for every feature.  With Vanity Publishing, you are paying money for a service as in self-publishing but you don’t get much of  a say in the whole process, like the cover, or reviewing the editorial process. I hear with Vanity Publishing, you end up with a crappy version of your book and you lose a chunk of your rights as an author. Here is a link if you want to read more into what Vanity Publishing is Vanity Publishing.
• I did hear back about a job and the pay was 15.75 and hour. Forty hours a week. I was ecstatic. Not only was the place within a twelve minute drive from my home. It had nothing to do with retail or medical field. The pay was weekly versus by weekly and had good benefits. More importantly if I did get the job, it would be my first job where I would be making that kind of of money,( usually I am paid minimum wage (which makes it really hard to catch up on my bills). Which help me get debt under control.  The lady asked me to contact her back to let her know which days would be best for me to discuss the job with her. I contacted her twice and never heard anything back. So I am taking that as another rejection.
  

  

  

  
• Not for nothing, but I am a thousand percent sure I am going through an existential crisis.

This whole process from the technicality with my retirement plan- still not okay with the fact I basically just forfeited $1500 by not staying 7 more months at my job. To everything I just listed. This was suppose to be a relaxing time for me. However, it has been nothing but stress and hectic! It hurts that I didn’t win my disability claim. despite going to the doctors since 2008 for this condition, at the end of the the day someone who does not have this condition decided this was not serve enough to stop me from working, that it doesn’t interfere with my life.  Needless to say, this has not been helpful for depression.  I feel like I am drowning and no sees it. Or if they do, they honestly do not care.  I have been entering in various contest but have not won anything. I took a quiz to see how I was doing in life, out of a scale of ten. I got a 4.2. I also took another quiz that said I was a strong candidate for borderline personality disorder.

I am not going to lie this constant merry-go-round of rejection has been horrible. Each blow is a huge hit to my self esteem. Applying for jobs has not been easy. I am starting to wonder if I am idiot or if I simply lack experience in every category. I am pretty sure what I lack most right now, confidence, and appropriate reactions to deal with the negatives in my life. Side note, I did an exercise today, where I took eyeliner and wrote how I really feel about myself/ whats going on with me on my skin from the waist up. What was most interesting to me is where i choose to write the word, “HELP” I put it on the inside of my arm so I had to turn it in order for it to be expose, almost as if wanting help was a bad thing….

Update

Hello everyone and welcome back once more!

I must say this whole process of dealing with disabilities is very long and annoying. I started the process back on March 28. And a decision about my condition has not been decided upon yet. On one hand I understand, they need to be thorough and make sure. However, I’ve been seeing my pcp for since 2008 for my condition and for the past two years I have been seeing a neurologist. There is plenty of documentation of my condition.

Since the last time i saw my doctor (neurologist) was back in December 2017 I had to go to the doctors that disabilities provided and have them check me over (which is fine by me).  The first appointment was May 17th at 2:15 I was there 1:45. When I got there that is when they informed me that 2:15 had cancelled and needed to be reschedule but my 3:15 was a go. That really bothered me. They never called me to reschedule or inform me that one of my appointments had been cancelled. Had i known ahead of time I would have came closer to the 3:15 didn’t help that, the receptionist had an attitude.

Another thing that bothers me are the questionnaires. literally they have given me the same piece of paper with the same questions six times! I don’t understand why i need to fill out the same exact information six times.  So, due to my lack of funds I tried to reschedule my next appointment pretty close to the May 17th one. The receptionist in a snotty voice is like, “We will call you to reschedule!”  They never called me to rescheduled. On all of those questionnaires they said they tried to contact me, they never did!  So they pushed the appointment out to June 1st ( it’s killing my buzz, I need an answer now, do I wait or go look for another job).  Which is annoying, the appointment only lasted about fifteen-twenty minutes. And the doctor who was really nice and shocked to hear that I go unconscious with my Hemipelgic Migraines (he wondered why in never went to the ER. *Side note June is not only PRIDE month, but it is also Migraine /Headache Awareness Month!), said that he would send his notes over to my doctor who would in turn make their decisions and send it to DSS. I should receive a letter within a week with a number I can call to find out my status. Here is what annoyed me, I can go online and check my application status. But so far nothing is there.It stops at April 4th where it is decided that they need more medical information.   That is what is frustrating to me, I think there needs to be more of a status update. I get that this process needs time, but I believe they should consider the fact that, not everyone has three months to waste. I also just read today that if I am approved it can take 4-6 weeks before the first check comes in! I’m just like so you’re going to make people wait 3 months for the application process. I think the process should only take a month and half tops. Especailly if it’s easy to prove. For those of us going to the doctors for the same conditions for years one end…COME ON, why would we spend that amount of time and money on a condition we don’t have?

Then make them wait another 4-6 weeks for the first check. Perhaps, I feel so frustrated because I do have this disability; I am reminded everyday I have it, but because of the time constraints  I am forced to go look for another job before I honestly feel better.  I wish I could say I honestly enjoyed my break, but do to curve ball after curve ball, I’ve been a stressed out nervous wreck.

The only positive thing I can say about this whole adventure is that I managed to knock out my new novel “BLENDERS.” It along with my other novel, “I Hear Your Voice.” is on inkitt.com  Feel free to check both stories out, best part is, it doesn’t cost you anything to read them. But if you could do me a favor and leave me a review that would be awesome!

I HEAR YOUR VOICE

Freaking Mountains

Hello everyone and welcome back. Long time no see!

Okay, so I did finish my last day back on the 14th. I actually showed up to working wearing a dress and heels I said goodbye to everyone and helped train the new girl. Wish I was given more than just a day to help her. But she seemed to be picking up things just fine and I left her a binder with a “how- to” on everything.

Getting back to the title of this post; I am fed up with these “mountains” life keep throwing at me. I don’t care for this obstacle course called life. Its like I take a few feet forward only to be pushed ten feet back.  I hate that I didn’t really get to enjoy my tax return. The stuff that wasn’t covered by my insurance for my vision which was only $200. Came up to $369, seriously in 2018 it makes no sense to charge for each eye lens for a glasses. All of us are born with two eyes. The frames along with the glasses should be one flat rate. I hate the misconception about the frame pricing. Where it says, “Frames start at $68” I think they should get rid of it. Since majority of the frames are more than $68. I hate that my cell phone broke or rather is forever frozen and there was nothing ATT could do to fix it. Which resulted in me having to buy a new phone. Keep in mind I had been wanting a new phone for quite some time since the other one was freezing a lot. But with this new phone everyday, I have to go on to ATT website and unsuspend my phone in order to call, or send text messages. That leaves my phone free for about a good 10-12 hours tops. Ive notice lately my phone has been restarting itself for the past 48 hours, needless to say I am not a happy camper. I am probably in the minority for this, but I miss Samsung S3 over my S7. I have yet to come across anything on my S7 that I honestly thought was better. It was basically $800 to those two things right there.

I did receive a new bed after 17 years, I have upgraded to a FULL. I have mixed feelings, to be honest, I haven’t been sleeping well. Despite that it’s a bigger softer bed, I switched from a firm to a soft; I guess i’m still getting used to it.  I went out to lunch and movie via my aunt for my birthday I did have blast, although I had a real bad migraine and felt like my brain was on fire… I had placed in a request to take out my retirement on the fifteenth. I just received a notice and I only got a few hundred dollars. Mind you what was in the fund was a little over $2000. I know you have to take out some for tax purposes, but to only get back $446.20 is ridiculous.

I’m left with this scenario, I’m unemployed, I only have a couple of hundred dollars to me name. And it looks like what little break I thought I would get, I won’t have.  I’m exhausted, physically, mentally and emotionally. All I wanted to do was have enough money to cover me for a few months while I simply relax and heal. I am exhausted! But with the way things are going, it looks like I’ll have to hop right back into the work place before I am actually ready for such a commitment.  I don’t understand the lack of rest for the wearily. I know we could use a break. But I can’t help but wonder when is my break? I tried calling my retirement people. sixteen minutes on the phone waiting listening to the theme song of X-files. I kid you not, that was the ring back tone. I got fed up and hung up. I’ll try again tomorrow morning.