Hello beautiful people and welcome back once more! I have been gone for what feels like forever and day. My apologies, for what it’s worth I hope everyone has been having an awesome Summer thus far and life has been going well for you.
I wish I could say my life has been going well but as you can see from the title things have not been running smoothly at all. I don’t remember what we discussed last time. So, let’s do a quick recap.
- March 28 I filed for disabilities. It was a long-drawn out process. On May 17 I was told to come in and see one of their doctors I was scheduled for two appointments but the last one cancelled and they didn’t feel the need to let me know. So I had to come back on June first to finish the second half of exam.
- June 1 my car mirror fell off at the house I did not notice it until I was at my destination about ten miles from my house. When I was a quarter from my house I literally look at my mirror and didn’t even notice it was missing. Sad part I even looked at that mirror (my right) to make right turns but didn’t notice it.
- June 22 the decision was made and I got denied. They felt my condition was not disabling enough. The stated I could lift up to twenty pounds and stand for 8 hours (total lie, I cannot my balance suck and my perception is somewhat off. I kid you not on the daily i spend time walking into door frames or the wall when I went to go out of the door.)
- Before June 22 I figured since it was taking this long there is a strong possibility that due to past experiences that things will not go my way. So I did apply for unemployment, I figure if it doesn’t work out I will head back to work. I just received a paper last Thursday that …. you guessed it I was denied. Which sucks since online they still let me weekly claim but I cannot get any money. They said I left my job for no good reason and I took no steps to get help or keep my job. Firstly, I have been seeing a neurologist for two years. If, that is not taking steps to get help or control my condition I don’t know what is. Secondly, I hated my job with a passion. It was eight hours of work jammed packed into four. The pay was not that great. Heaven forbid I fell behind because of the amount of work, I would get a talking to. Yet those constantly one their phones or shopping on the computer didn’t get any thing. I spent majority of my day screaming in my head, “I HATE MY JOB, I WANT TO QUIT.” I felt that I stayed as long as I was going to, and that i learned all I could and I simply platitude.
- During the mix of all of that, I almost got scammed. By a vanity publisher. Thankfully before I signed the contract I googled the business and nothing positive came up. You may be wondering, “Well Recie how did you get in that situation?” We all know I have two completed novels under my belt. I want to get them published. So I either googled publisher who are accepting submissions for authors without and agent. Or a newsletter to a blog I follow had a list of publisher accepting submission. I went on the publisher’s website and looked around it seemed legit to me. Upon receiving the contract the part that tipped me off that this probably isn’t a traditional publisher is when they asked for 2300 British Pounds which is roughly $3082.33 USD. I don’t mind self-publishing if the author has the cash to pay for everything. But if it’s from a legit company and I am forking over that type of cash I want majority of the royalties if not all. Since I would be paying for every feature. With Vanity Publishing, you are paying money for a service as in self-publishing but you don’t get much of a say in the whole process, like the cover, or reviewing the editorial process. I hear with Vanity Publishing, you end up with a crappy version of your book and you lose a chunk of your rights as an author. Here is a link if you want to read more into what Vanity Publishing is Vanity Publishing.
- I did hear back about a job and the pay was 15.75 and hour. Forty hours a week. I was ecstatic. Not only was the place within a twelve minute drive from my home. It had nothing to do with retail or medical field. The pay was weekly versus by weekly and had good benefits. More importantly if I did get the job, it would be my first job where I would be making that kind of of money,( usually I am paid minimum wage (which makes it really hard to catch up on my bills). Which help me get debt under control. The lady asked me to contact her back to let her know which days would be best for me to discuss the job with her. I contacted her twice and never heard anything back. So I am taking that as another rejection.
- Not for nothing, but I am a thousand percent sure I am going through an existential crisis.
This whole process from the technicality with my retirement plan- still not okay with the fact I basically just forfeited $1500 by not staying 7 more months at my job. To everything I just listed. This was suppose to be a relaxing time for me. However, it has been nothing but stress and hectic! It hurts that I didn’t win my disability claim. despite going to the doctors since 2008 for this condition, at the end of the the day someone who does not have this condition decided this was not serve enough to stop me from working, that it doesn’t interfere with my life. Needless to say, this has not been helpful for depression. I feel like I am drowning and no sees it. Or if they do, they honestly do not care. I have been entering in various contest but have not won anything. I took a quiz to see how I was doing in life, out of a scale of ten. I got a 4.2. I also took another quiz that said I was a strong candidate for borderline personality disorder.
I am not going to lie this constant merry-go-round of rejection has been horrible. Each blow is a huge hit to my self esteem. Applying for jobs has not been easy. I am starting to wonder if I am idiot or if I simply lack experience in every category. I am pretty sure what I lack most right now, confidence, and appropriate reactions to deal with the negatives in my life. Side note, I did an exercise today, where I took eyeliner and wrote how I really feel about myself/ whats going on with me on my skin from the waist up. What was most interesting to me is where i choose to write the word, “HELP” I put it on the inside of my arm so I had to turn it in order for it to be expose, almost as if wanting help was a bad thing….