Are You Kidding, Me

Hello everyone long time no see or should I say, “write.” I hope all is well for you and your family wherever you are in the world. I wish I could say I had a colorful explanation as to why I have been MIA but, nope. A lot of stuff has happen yet, at the same time not much at all. So, I guess I shall simplify it down to: The Pandemic, unconscious stress by watching way too much news, my hypochondriac brother, people refusing to wear masks, societal animosity, dreams of me being in places that have bombs and almost being blown to bits! overactive intrusive thoughts that trigger my anxiety, my brother continuing to be one of the biggest assholes of all times-side note, I don’t understand people who feel the need to take personal unprompted digs at people every chance they get. I feel like if people could see how I am treated, I don’t think they would find him funny. The narcissists would but not everyone else… if anything I am sure he would come off as a bully.

Okay, so a hypothetical scenario popped up, “What would you do if you had X amount of money?” So, I talked about the thing I wanted to do besides the obvious clearing debt and that’s getting my first home. And that any home I got I would do some renovations to make it feel more like mine. You know, nothing over the top, just: painting walls, switching out chandeliers/ light fixtures, upgrading the fish tank, fixing the cabinets so they are short person approved. Then once all that is done I could finally go furniture shopping. Since to me, it makes no sense to get furniture when work needs to be done to the house. The things I want to do should roughly be done in a week-to a week and half tops. Since currently, all I have is a bed, a coffee table (which is probably and end table) and three workout machines. I have had my eye on this one house for years, and if I could get that house some day, that’s what I would do first and then do a little remodeling on one side of the house in spring time; at most that would take two-three weeks. My brother had mentioned he wanted to move to Texas and mom was thinking of going there too. Lately, she’s been watching some YouTube videos on Texas and I think it’s making her question her decision. She mentioned that my brother doesn’t know where he wants to go in Texas, but from what I heard a few months ago about his decision, he knows exactly where he is going and the house he wants. Any way, she’s going on about Texas heat, and fire ants etc. my brother is convinced Texas is the place for him, he is well aware of heat (he plans on using AC), sunlight (he knows how to stay inside and prefers to sleep during most of the day) etc, much to my mother’s dismay. My thoughts were if you are looking for perfection you are never going to find it; every state has issues. There are homes that she wants, but they aren’t on the market anymore they were bought and if she could have her way she would ask the current owners to sale the house to her. I brought up issues about buying a house during the pandemic. For example:

1. Getting tested for Covid-19 and getting that Negative test result before you go viewing any homes. Is a curtesy to every one.
2. Understanding , if people are already occupying the home; unless they have accommodations somewhere else, they are going to need at least 20-30 before they could move.
3. Baring in mind, if they are covid-19 positive, no, they cannot leave their house and spend their quarantine in a hotel so you can move in sooner! She literally asked me this (-_-)
4. Even if you do get the housel it does need to be thoroughly sanitize before you can move in. Either way you are looking at a day or two depending on the size of the home and what needs to be clean.
5. Despite how much you may offer for the home, there are some people who actually LOVE their homes and will not sell, thus it’s best to have a fall back plan.

So, she’s still going on about her reservations with Texas, so, I reply, “This sounds like a ‘you-two’ problem and not a situation that concerns me at all. She was making it sound like this was going to affect me. I’m like, “not at all” She’s like, well, I suppose we can just move in with you until we know / figure out what we are doing. In my mind the sound of a record scratching happened. Honestly, I got offended over this hypothetical situation. If you have been following me for awhile, then you may have noticed my brother treats me like crap, always has but he has been more so over the past few years, I’ve been constantly, told, “if I died no one would miss me, my thoughts have no weight, I don’t matter simply because I don’t have X amount of money in my bank account, the fat shaming, even though he’s bigger than me. Mind you, all this crap said to me has been unprovoked. I had to live with mom hearing the things he says, and being silent and telling me to, “pick my battles/ you really shouldn’t be so sensitive, you know that’s his humor. So, you can hopefully imagine the pure elation I would/ will have some day, when I can move out and be completely independent and never have to speak to my brother again! I can only imagine the short lived happiness I would have at having my own place only to be interrupted by mother and brother moving in until they “figure things out.” I don’t want that man anywhere near my house fucking up my feng shui and that’s on period.” Let’s also take into consideration:

1. The homes I like and are interested are White in interior and clean, this man is not good at keeping things clean. I could only imagine the type of damages he would cause to my home for the time he is in it. He doesn’t respect me as a person and I know he is not going to respect my home. Which is a problem, I know if I say something he’s not going to take me seriously and I know mom is gonna tell me to chill out which would only piss me off further. This whole, I’m going to litter every where I go to “give you all something to do” philosophy he has, is not going to fly at my house. Same could be said for mom and her lack of cleaning up after herself, The flour and food she leaves on the floor after cooking (we have dark wood finishes- it stands out, all that flour but she didn’t see anything!) Not wiping down the counters and stove so there is grease left everywhere. When she was working, there were no issue she cared but since retirement she doesn’t care anymore and her cleaning is subpar.
2. His dog is untrained. His dog is one of the sweetest, friendliest over hyperactive dog. Which sucks; if she had the space to run around and was trained she would actually be a really great dog. If you recall earlier in the post I mentioned, regardless, on where I end up moving, the interior painted was something I wanted to do. Imagine , hiring painters to do their job only for you brother’s over hyperactive dog running and lunging at people and knocking over paints and running away with brushes. The painters would be annoyed (that could potentially be a dangerous situation if they are on a ladder at the time of an incident), I would be annoyed and angered by all the spilled paint (now they have to replenish that, which could push the job getting done back a day), especially if she took that brush to a different room that doesn’t have floor coverings! now you have to scrip the floor and get it re-varnished. and if that’s happening in a room that wasn’t getting fixed before now you’re paying extra And my brother would going on about how cute the dog is, completely ignoring how this is an issue. I speak from experience, not with paint, but holding dishes, or very hot items and having his dog jumping all up on me, and my brother didn’t care I could be burned, or that her claws were scratching me, leaving me bloody, his response, Oh, the dog loves you so much!” People don’t care about a cute dog they care about a cute, well-behaved dog.

The issue that’s bothering me most about this hypothetical situation is, given the way the scenario was presented to me, everyone has more than enough money to stay in a hotel and all of our stuff is in storage until we purchase our homes. So, I don’t understand why she would feel like they and their stuff would need to move into my home. Also, it’s that she didn’t bother to ask but simply assumed she could show up whenever she wanted to and could move in without asking. It’s the lack of consideration about how she’s inconveniencing me. It’s like she refused to acknowledge in this situation, she is not the owner of the home, she is an uninvited guest. It’s one thing if she had acknowledge the situation, “I know this is a unique, special time for you and you have a lot going on right now. I know you have a timeline with things you want to get done before you can really start to settle into your home. I know this going to be somewhat of an inconvenience but if it is alright with you; can your brother and I stay with you for at most two to two and half weeks as we figure out where exactly, are we moving to as oppose to us staying in a hotel?” Then it would be somewhat okay, because she would be acknowledging how this might be burdensome to me, and putting a much needed time limit on her stay. It’s also rude of my mother to assume that my brother would even want to come if he has his heart set on Texas I think there is a strain or a conflict, between what she would like the situation to be versus the reality of the situation. We are all going in different directions and want and need different things to be happy. And one of the biggest ingredients to our happiness is personal space from each other. And it’s a bit shocking to her since we’ve been together or so long, she’s gonna have to get use to a new normal.

she mentioned me visiting her and I informed her I had zero interest in going to Texas. She got a bit of an attitude and was like, “What so we can only go and visit you?” To which I replied, “you don’t have to visit me if you don’t want to. I didn’t invite you, in all these scenarios you kept inviting yourself.” I noticed in these hypothetical situations she talks about inviting herself, and stocking up on something I have. I told her my home was not a store, its one thing if I went shopping saw a few things she would like and when she visited I let her know and gave her , the stuff. it’s another thing, if she is walking around my kitchen , pantry or wine wine bar and decides to start taking stuff. Especially, when she can afford it. She made the who situation about me “acting brand new” because I got some extra change to my name. Honestly, as I think about it, it’s not about money, it’s about establishing healthy boundaries so I can flourish and be the best me that I can be. My family is negative and I do tend to second guess myself more when I am around them. My family can be toxic and negative, but if they are not around, my courage increase. It’s like a switch, I go from, “I don’t know what do you think, what’s your opinion on this…” to “I know exactly what I want, and what I want and need to do and this is what’s gonna happen!” When she asked me what my excuse was for not visiting her in her hypothetical home in Texas, I said, because I didn’t want to. She got all offended and was going on about how I was acting like I was too good for everyone and that I was essentially ruining the dynamic of our “tight-knit” family. The look on my face…the SHOCK! my brother and I have never ever been closed, I have never considered us a close family. in all honesty we really don’t know anything about each other. I feel like we are a bunch of strangers placed together due to circumstance. She talked about how we shouldn’t let money separate us, which would be fine in theory if there was something to separate, but we were never together. When she said that it was hurtful, because I am being blamed for us not having a strong connection. I took in a stock of everything I’ve been through, and all I could think was, how TONE-DEAF ARE YOU? it astonishes me and amazing how some people, know how fucked up a situation is and will rewrite it to suit their narrative. In her mind she honestly feels like this is just sibling rivalry or playful banter, it’s not it’s straight up animosity. She really refuses to see this for the emotional, verbal abuse this is. I am disgusted by this realization, yet, at the same time I appreciate it. It shows me, this bullshit is not in my mind, and that I will and am doing the right thing by limiting my time and access to my family. Healthy, boundaries are needed and should be enforced and never taken down. More importantly, I don’t owe anyone an explanation for the life I choose to lead. By seeing everyone’s true colors; should this situation ever become reality, I should be confident in knowing I will walk this path alone, it will be tough in the beginning but the payoff will be worth it.

Although, I am sadden about how I am constantly being misunderstood and labeled as being self centered, even after all the crap I do for others without being prompted. I feel like some people can only accept the way they treat others by vilifying them. We were discussing the lottery a few days ago, and I said, :If I ever win the Jackpot lottery, I’ll make you a millionaire; could you buy me pizza, when I get my first home. The night in my first home I wanted a pizza. Let’s face it, my first night I am NOT cooking. The way she looked at me in astonishment and was like, LE’TS SHAKE ON IT!! It honestly, insulted me on how she was under the impression, if I ever won a jackpot I wouldn’t give her a couple million. She probably thought I would only give her a few thousands. I don’t understand her logic into think I’m stingy, her son is the one who “Nickels and dimes her constantly!” if she ask me for money and I got it, more often than not I give it to her; zero attachments it’s not brought up again, very rarely do I ask her to pay the money back. I give her the due date that I need the money and I leave it at that. I hope I don’t spend the rest of my life being misunderstood.