I Want Off The Merry-Go-Round of Rejection

Hello beautiful people and welcome back once more! I have been gone for what feels like forever and day.  My apologies, for what it’s worth I hope everyone has been having an awesome Summer thus far and life has been going well for you.

I wish I could say my life has been going well but as you can see from the title things have not been running smoothly at all. I don’t remember what we discussed last time. So, let’s do a quick recap.

• March 28 I filed for disabilities. It was a long-drawn out process. On May 17 I was told to come in and see one of their doctors I was scheduled for two appointments but the last one cancelled and they didn’t feel the need to let me know. So I had to come back on June first to finish the second half of exam.
  

  Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

• June 1 my car mirror fell off at the house I did not notice it until I was at my destination  about ten miles from my house. When I was a quarter from my house I literally look at my mirror and didn’t even notice it was missing. Sad part I even looked at that mirror (my right) to make right turns but didn’t notice it.
• June 22 the decision was made and I got denied. They felt my condition was not disabling enough. The stated I could lift up to twenty pounds and stand for 8 hours (total lie, I cannot my balance suck and my perception is somewhat off. I kid you not on the daily i spend time walking into door frames or the wall when I went to go out of the door.)
  

  
• Before June 22 I figured since it was taking this long there is a strong possibility that due to past experiences that things will not go my way. So I did apply for unemployment, I figure if it doesn’t work out I will head back to work. I just received a paper last Thursday that …. you guessed it I was denied. Which sucks since online they still let me weekly claim but I cannot get any money. They said I left my job for no good reason and I took no steps to get help or keep my job. Firstly, I have been seeing a neurologist for two years. If, that is not taking steps to get help or control my condition I don’t know what is. Secondly, I hated my job with a passion. It was eight hours of work jammed packed into four. The pay was not that great. Heaven forbid I fell behind because of the amount of work, I would get a talking to. Yet those constantly one their phones or shopping on the computer didn’t get any thing. I spent majority of my day screaming in my head, “I HATE MY JOB, I WANT TO QUIT.” I felt that I stayed as long as I was going to, and that i learned all I could and I simply platitude.
  

  
• During the mix of all of that, I almost got scammed. By a vanity publisher. Thankfully before I signed the contract I googled the business and nothing positive came up. You may be wondering, “Well Recie how did you get in that situation?” We all know I have two completed novels under my belt. I want to get them published. So I either googled publisher who are accepting submissions for authors without and agent. Or a newsletter to a blog I follow had a list of publisher accepting submission. I went on the publisher’s website and looked around it seemed legit to me. Upon receiving the contract the part that tipped me off that this probably isn’t a traditional publisher is when they asked for 2300 British Pounds which is roughly $3082.33 USD. I don’t mind self-publishing if the author has the cash to pay for everything. But if it’s from a legit company and I am forking over that type of cash I want majority of the royalties if not all. Since I would be paying for every feature.  With Vanity Publishing, you are paying money for a service as in self-publishing but you don’t get much of  a say in the whole process, like the cover, or reviewing the editorial process. I hear with Vanity Publishing, you end up with a crappy version of your book and you lose a chunk of your rights as an author. Here is a link if you want to read more into what Vanity Publishing is Vanity Publishing.
• I did hear back about a job and the pay was 15.75 and hour. Forty hours a week. I was ecstatic. Not only was the place within a twelve minute drive from my home. It had nothing to do with retail or medical field. The pay was weekly versus by weekly and had good benefits. More importantly if I did get the job, it would be my first job where I would be making that kind of of money,( usually I am paid minimum wage (which makes it really hard to catch up on my bills). Which help me get debt under control.  The lady asked me to contact her back to let her know which days would be best for me to discuss the job with her. I contacted her twice and never heard anything back. So I am taking that as another rejection.
  

  

  

  
• Not for nothing, but I am a thousand percent sure I am going through an existential crisis.

This whole process from the technicality with my retirement plan- still not okay with the fact I basically just forfeited $1500 by not staying 7 more months at my job. To everything I just listed. This was suppose to be a relaxing time for me. However, it has been nothing but stress and hectic! It hurts that I didn’t win my disability claim. despite going to the doctors since 2008 for this condition, at the end of the the day someone who does not have this condition decided this was not serve enough to stop me from working, that it doesn’t interfere with my life.  Needless to say, this has not been helpful for depression.  I feel like I am drowning and no sees it. Or if they do, they honestly do not care.  I have been entering in various contest but have not won anything. I took a quiz to see how I was doing in life, out of a scale of ten. I got a 4.2. I also took another quiz that said I was a strong candidate for borderline personality disorder.

I am not going to lie this constant merry-go-round of rejection has been horrible. Each blow is a huge hit to my self esteem. Applying for jobs has not been easy. I am starting to wonder if I am idiot or if I simply lack experience in every category. I am pretty sure what I lack most right now, confidence, and appropriate reactions to deal with the negatives in my life. Side note, I did an exercise today, where I took eyeliner and wrote how I really feel about myself/ whats going on with me on my skin from the waist up. What was most interesting to me is where i choose to write the word, “HELP” I put it on the inside of my arm so I had to turn it in order for it to be expose, almost as if wanting help was a bad thing….

Advertisements

Update

Hello everyone and welcome back once more!

I must say this whole process of dealing with disabilities is very long and annoying. I started the process back on March 28. And a decision about my condition has not been decided upon yet. On one hand I understand, they need to be thorough and make sure. However, I’ve been seeing my pcp for since 2008 for my condition and for the past two years I have been seeing a neurologist. There is plenty of documentation of my condition.

Since the last time i saw my doctor (neurologist) was back in December 2017 I had to go to the doctors that disabilities provided and have them check me over (which is fine by me).  The first appointment was May 17th at 2:15 I was there 1:45. When I got there that is when they informed me that 2:15 had cancelled and needed to be reschedule but my 3:15 was a go. That really bothered me. They never called me to reschedule or inform me that one of my appointments had been cancelled. Had i known ahead of time I would have came closer to the 3:15 didn’t help that, the receptionist had an attitude.

Another thing that bothers me are the questionnaires. literally they have given me the same piece of paper with the same questions six times! I don’t understand why i need to fill out the same exact information six times.  So, due to my lack of funds I tried to reschedule my next appointment pretty close to the May 17th one. The receptionist in a snotty voice is like, “We will call you to reschedule!”  They never called me to rescheduled. On all of those questionnaires they said they tried to contact me, they never did!  So they pushed the appointment out to June 1st ( it’s killing my buzz, I need an answer now, do I wait or go look for another job).  Which is annoying, the appointment only lasted about fifteen-twenty minutes. And the doctor who was really nice and shocked to hear that I go unconscious with my Hemipelgic Migraines (he wondered why in never went to the ER. *Side note June is not only PRIDE month, but it is also Migraine /Headache Awareness Month!), said that he would send his notes over to my doctor who would in turn make their decisions and send it to DSS. I should receive a letter within a week with a number I can call to find out my status. Here is what annoyed me, I can go online and check my application status. But so far nothing is there.It stops at April 4th where it is decided that they need more medical information.   That is what is frustrating to me, I think there needs to be more of a status update. I get that this process needs time, but I believe they should consider the fact that, not everyone has three months to waste. I also just read today that if I am approved it can take 4-6 weeks before the first check comes in! I’m just like so you’re going to make people wait 3 months for the application process. I think the process should only take a month and half tops. Especailly if it’s easy to prove. For those of us going to the doctors for the same conditions for years one end…COME ON, why would we spend that amount of time and money on a condition we don’t have?

Then make them wait another 4-6 weeks for the first check. Perhaps, I feel so frustrated because I do have this disability; I am reminded everyday I have it, but because of the time constraints  I am forced to go look for another job before I honestly feel better.  I wish I could say I honestly enjoyed my break, but do to curve ball after curve ball, I’ve been a stressed out nervous wreck.

The only positive thing I can say about this whole adventure is that I managed to knock out my new novel “BLENDERS.” It along with my other novel, “I Hear Your Voice.” is on inkitt.com  Feel free to check both stories out, best part is, it doesn’t cost you anything to read them. But if you could do me a favor and leave me a review that would be awesome!

I HEAR YOUR VOICE

Okay, so you can’t go; why does that mean the party is over for me?

Hello everyone  and welcome back once more. I am proud to say I am roughly near the end of my book. Which will be my first longest fictional writing piece of my life. I am really proud about how far I have come. This is a piece I do plan on entering into a contest. Even if I don’t win; I know I most likely will end up competing with really strong writers who may have years of experience and writing degrees under the belt. It’s okay, I am just proud of myself and how far I have come. I always told myself; the main reason why I write short stories is because I just don’t have it in me to write long pieces of work (I truly felt as though I just physically…couldn’t write a novel). I just honestly didn’t feel as though I had enough material to write a novel (I am literally 11,890 words shy of a novel). That, and I didn’t want to write a boring novel. I wanted to write something that is an easy read; gets to the point, and most importantly, the characters and story line are interesting enough to keep the reader engaged. I didn’t want to put in side stories within the story and have my reader think, “okay, where the hell is she going with this?” I really am proud of myself; more importantly, I am proud that I proved myself wrong. I kept focusing on why I couldn’t write a novel. Instead of focusing on reasons why I can. When I write a story, I don’t do it with a word count in mind. When the story is finished…it’s finished. Some stories only require a few pages; a quick light read. And some stories, take longer, but they are worth the time and effort.

Moving on to to other news, we know the first week of January of this year; I got hit by a car waiting to cross the street. Well yesterday, I went out to Wal-mart again, and I almost got hit by a car trying to get to a parking spot. It was around 1:34pm, You know how cars like to drive through the parking lot spaces? well, there isn’t anything wrong with that. But , for some odd  reason yesterday; all the cars were in a hurry to get somewhere the lot was half packed. I don’t know why people were in such a rush especially, with some many cars and people around. Everyone knows if you must drive there parking spaces, you have to go slow. because you don’t have the right  away when crossing between lanes, and that you can easily hit another car or person.  So the car ends up missing me and I get into my spot. So I get out the car and I walk about two parking spaces and was literally about five feet from a car crash that almost happened right in front of me. And elderly couple was coming out of their space they were in mid turn. And this other car comes up the lane full speed not paying attention and almost hit the elderly couple head first! Thursday on the way home from work, I am trying to get into the median to make a left turn, I was getting into the median, this school bus comes out of nowhere full speed and almost takes out my left side. I know he saw me before he decided to come flying through.

And finally, the topic of this post. So the big 2-9 is coming up in a few months, I already took time off work months in advance. We all know the last few birthdays have been shitty at best. And that really is putting it mildly. I had planned on going to Montreal last year. I was like, “well wouldn’t it be nice to go this year.” I had planned on going to get my passport on the Fifteenth of February, which hopefully I would have it in time for my birthday. My mother yet again, invited herself on the trip. I thought to myself, “I don’t know why she invites herself on these trips it involves walking; and she hates walking.” Imagine, trying to enjoy yourself while someone complains about every single thing. My mom decided she wants a new car; Okay, nothing wrong with that. Her: “I think we are going to need to cancel the Canada trip. How upset would you be if we couldn’t go to Canada? Once I get the car, there won’t be enough for the hotel and your aunt says, its very cold in March. We may need to push it back to April or May.”

I’m still confused on how my birthday has to get cancelled just because she can’t go. It annoys me to avail. I understand she is going to buy a car with her money. But what does that have to do with me going on a trip with my money? And I don’t want to go on a fucking trip in April or May. Why is it such a hard concept that I would want to celebrate my birthday on my actually birthday! My birthday only comes once a year, literally there is 364 days to get one’s shit together for my birthday. I don’t understand why issues have to pop up during my birthday. Everyone Else’s birthday; there isn’t a problem. But my birthday has to be the most “inconvenient time of the year.”- Her words, not mine, growing up. For the last six years my birthdays have been shitty! there is no cake, no happy birthday song, no present, no special dinner, no flowers. All that shit I had to buy for myself! Do you know or realize how hurtful that is when your own family makes that day feel insignificant? I get it, birthdays after awhile don’t mean much to certain people. But it means a lot to me. I don’t want another birthday, where I am alone at home, I had to buy my own cake or donuts and the only light in the room is from the musical birthday candle for that is the only way I will have someone sing me happy birthday, like last year. Or the year before, all that driving to D.C to only be able to walk around for two fucking hours because mother could find the hope diamond. She complained the whole entire time and took over the trip as if the whole entire trip was about her. It wasn’t her day, yet she acted like it was. The year before that, she ruined the ballet for me. She had to complain about the performers, complain about the ticket cost, and parking. And I was the one who paid for all of it. I think this year would be a great year if I don’t have her with me. That way, for once the spotlight can be on me for a chance.

And I always go out of my way to make everyone feel special on their birthday, everyone deserves to be acknowledge on their birthday! I don’t think I am asking too much to feel like a fucking rock-star on my day. I don’t want any stress or any problems. All I want is twenty-four hours; where am the star of the show. Where my feelings are validated. If I want to go to a restaurant; we go to a restaurant. If I want to watch a movie; we watch the movie, without complaining about my choice or the price of the ticket. I want to go some place I have never been before, I go.  I still plan on getting my passport and I do plan on taking myself, somewhere. I fucking deserve it. I don’t know where I will take myself but one thing is for sure I want to be out of state. I want to honestly enjoy myself.  Unfortunately, I have a lot of friends that are married, engaged and have kids. So they can’t just up and go…a lot of my friends have either just recently, or are currently on vacation so I don’t think they would have the free time anyway. So for my birthday, I will be solo…as usual. This is my last year in my twenties, and I personally, would love to have an epic time. I think I have been through enough hardships and fucking curve balls; their emotional scars will last a lifetime.  I want to have fun now, I want to enjoy the moment instead of hoping the moment will end and stop hurting me. I want to enjoy myself and all the new moments that are coming, instead of being surrounded by negativity and bad energy.

Which brings me to a question I have for all of you; I know all of you are coming from various parts of the I would like to know is there any state you would recommend that I visit? I have already been to New York, Vermont, Massachusetts, Connecticut and Arkansas.

Sometimes You just need to decompress

Hello everyone and welcome back once more!

This post is going to be a little short and it won’t be a rant. So Last Friday, after the incident (if you’re not sure what that was, feel free to read the post before this one). I came home to a response from a potential agent. who informed me that “getting short stories off the ground for a new writer is hard. Especially, if that writer doesn’t have any of those stories already published. Good luck somewhere else.” Not going to lie, that hurt my pride a bit. But then i decided to look on the bright side; 1.) she didn’t say my writing sucked; so that’s a plus. 2.) starting from the ground for her, might simply be too time consuming. 3.) I’m gong to take some of her advice. WordPress is my platform, Before WordPress I had Xaynga (I know we’re going back) until that site basically shut down and I lost all my work! Fast foreword to now, I decided to either add a page or make a new WordPress that is linked to this WordPress that will be specific for my stories!  Now I know not everyone will like them; and I was a little worried about someone stealing my work. But like with most things in life, one must take a risk. I’m constantly talking about my writing, And what’s a writer without readers? Essentially you guys are my target market. I figure I’ll start posting some stories here, I could build up a “fan base” and from there hopefully agents will find me to be more marketable.  If no agent still wants me by the time Income Tax comes, I’m going take a proportion of that money and self-publish; it’s 2018 time to get the ball rolling. I have a lot of stories bouncing around in my head and I would love to share them all with you. The best part about the blog is, hopefully someone will like my stories and give me some feedback.  Or suggest a writing prompt! I’ll be sure to keep up with both blogs! Once I have the other site set up; I will edit this post with the link.

Once again, thanks to all my loyal readers and to engaging with new ones!

*The link to the new blog is The Writer’s Guild 

I hope you enjoy my work, and I hope to hear your feedback.

Mr. Opportunity where the hell are you!?

Hello everyone and welcome back! I know i’ve been gone for far longer than a minute. I hope you all have been well and that you are enjoying this Fall weather wherever you are in the world.
Since I am having some issues with WordPress-( is anyone else finding this site a lot harder to navigate lately. It literally takes a good five minutes just to access the write post part of this site.) I can’t check back to see what my last post is; like I normally do. Last thing I want to do is give you all a repeate of what I talked about in my last post. So if I am repeating a bit I apologize.
I did go and visit my neurologist asked him to place me on new medication that din’t leave me feeling negative all the time. The depression and the suicidal thoughts were really getting to me. So he put me on a new pill. On this pill I got my energy back, that black cloud over me disappeared and it has placed me on a Euphoric high. I still get the occasional negative thought but the intensity and and frequency is nowhere near what it once was. He has cut down the duration of my migraines but I feel like the frequency is the same.
Thanks to being in a happier mood; I did pick up writing again. I am done with my third book – all that is left to do with that is write it up and place the stories in the order that I want. I really want to give my “writing career” an actual shot; I have a list of different publishing places to send my work to. My thought process on the “writing career” is to always be one book ahead. Since all writers run into “writers block”. This way if I turn out successful and I fall into a block there is always a book off to the side; and my readers wouldn’t have to wait long. I was also thinking for those stories that have multiple parts of doing a special edition where all the parts are in one book with extra parts that weren’t in the first two parts or so. The “extra” could be answers to some of the questions readers had about the stories that I may not have thought coming from a writer’s point of view. Also, another good thing about that career path is; if it does work out: I get to pick my own hours, I can save money on gas by not having to commute-unless it’s to meet with my publicist. No more office job-where I must listen to other people’s gossip etc. Also, I feel like this career path would be more forgiving towards my chronic migraines.
After working an office job in a hospital for a while… I am ready for something else. I see every choice whether it be: studying, jobs, education; as a stage, I am there for a reason to learn something that will help better me for the future. It’s supposed to help me later on in life with something. After a while, you learn all that you can at that particular stage and then it’s time to move on. My feelings on this job now is starting to be like how it was on retail. It’s that thought “I hate it here, I really don’t want to be here.” I clearly have plateaued at that place. It’s not a bad job; and the people are friendly enough. It’s just for me personally, I don’t see myself staying forever and day, and the pay doesn’t make me want to stay either… I want to be in a job that uses my creativity or a place where I can apply my brain. That and it would be nice to have a job with a better pay. Now that’s not to say that I think the writing job would be easy. It won’t be, a lot of time and energy goes into writing stories; especially something that is “fresh” , I have to be careful of plagiarism, I have to make sure the stories are interesting enough to the point that people will want to buy them, there is the advertisement, and of course I have to pop out enough stories to stay relevant and make a living etc. If this is to be my livelihood; I want to make sure I do it well. And that means by buying good grammar software; I know my grammar is not always on point. *side note; if my career does take off; then hopefully I could have extra cash to travel. With traveling I could experience new things which would spark my inspiration for new stories.

But on to other things: Now this wouldn’t be a “rant blog” if I didn’t talk about some things that really irk the hell out me:
1. Nosy coworkers, you know the ones who aren’t nosy to be helpful in a situation. They are just nosy just be nosy. They take meaningless information that they have acquired, and they keep talking about it. For example, information had come up about someone who had either been in jail or was on probation for a short space in time. My point of view on the situation was: that is information that shouldn’t be circling around to begin with; unless that person wanted that information to be out. Two; why do you care so much about information that has nothing to do with you? I feel as though people shouldn’t be judged by their past; especially if they have done their time (whether that be repenting/going to jail etc) if they have grown from it and have moved on; others should as well. More so, when you treat people based off information that you heard “through the grapevine” you don’t give them a fair chance. It’s like a self-fulling prophecy. Needless to say, every time she gets nosy which is every day; I just want to get loud while clapping my hands in frustration and say: BE LESS CONCERNED ABOUT WHAT OTHERS ARE DOING; AND LEARN HOW TO DO YOUR FUCKING JOB! FOCUS ON THAT!!! It’s so annoying when she asks questions about things she should clearly know at this point in her job. I hate being constantly interrupted for information that is easily accessible. For example. How she’ll stop me to ask what the extension number is for a department. Which wouldn’t be an issue; if the list literally wasn’t right there in front of her. I’m quick to tell her where to find the information. Whereas the head secretary likes to just give her the information. I hate that, my thinking is she needs to be self-sufficient; what is she going to do on the day when neither of us is here and all the doctors are in their office? She’s going to have to figure out where to get this information form.
2. I get really annoyed when the secretary continuously asks a question; she’s given the answer to and then she replies, “that’s what I figured.” My feelings are if that’s what you thought to begin with, why the hell did you bother me? Especially when I have piles around my desk and I am clearly busy. Keep in mind, she will say this, but then ask the same exact question later on. Now I have suggested to her; to write the answer down and place it on her desk somewhere for quick reference-She doesn’t want to do that. I have suggested highlighting phone extensions that she uses the most frequently (that’s what I did, it’s very effective for quick information retrieval) – she won’t do that but still asks every single day “Hey…What’s the extension for …?”
3. What annoys me most is: I like a person who takes initiation to learn, it is not just about asking the right questions but bothering to retain that information. For example, if a situation happens and someone else with more experience takes over; a person with initiation (but not experience) will although stand out of the way will be watching and taking notes- whether it’s physical or mental. Once the situation has been handled they will follow up with questions to gain a better understanding. I feel like with certain situations she’s not bothering to pay attention and learn at all.
4. Use of the cell phone, if she’s not scheduling people, or checking people in. She’s on her cell phone texting, social media. Which wouldn’t be a bad thing; if there were no other things to do in the office. Like restocking the batteries, making charts, creating more charge tickets etc. Those times during the day when it’s quiet versus hectic should be a catchup time. Only then if everything has been done then you can entertain yourself. (technically our policy prohibits being on the cell phone during work hours, unless it’s an important call you have to take and then you would step out of the office and take your call) The head secretary – it annoys me that she does personal calls in the office. Mainly because I am subjected to listening to that call. It makes me uncomfortable because I am not interested in hearing about her private affairs-she is a loud talker. Now I did do one private call (that was the only private call I had made while I was on the clock-I did it during lunch when I have the room to myself, I called my doctor’s office to try to straighten up something. The head secretary had come into the room to grab her headphones, so she could go to the gym, upon noticing I was on the phone making a private call-something I never do. You know she had the nerve to stand there and listen in. Thankfully I didn’t give out any important information. It was just an issue about the referral/insurance. But once my call was done she asked me if everything was alright. I replied, “I will be.” And left it at that, it was one of those “you don’t need to know this information. “Because of my job title I’m supposed to be in the room during lunch to answer the phone, help clients if they knock at the window despite the fact that the office is closed- we have a big ass sign on the window that says so. That’s why I took the call in there. But now I know for future reference “fuck it, I’m taking my call outside.”
5. Reading other people’s emails: when the head secretary looks over and sees my computer screen with something colorful on it. (usually it’s a flyer that has been sent around the hospital about an upcoming event.) Her: “…I don’t remember getting that! Can you print that out for me?/ can you forward the copy to me.” I hate when she’s on my side of the room doing something and she’ll look over to my desk and if my email is up she’ll read it. My feelings are: Don’t you have something else to do? Clearly if it is an email she has received but chose to delete before reading.
6. This is something the whole office does that pisses me off, if you see I am putting charts away, and you have a chart that needs to be put away; hand me the damn chart. I don’t care it if’s a “W” and I’m in the fucking “D’s” hand me the chart! Or you clearly see I’m getting the charts ready to be faxed; and you need something faxed “HAND ME THE DAMN CHART”. Or when they take things off my desk such as pens. I had a nice green pen I really liked, someone came and took it. I can tell when someone has been at my desk, they don’t put stuff in order. I hate there is no respect for boundaries. Whether the person is there or not, you shouldn’t use their stuff. And if you must use their stuff put it back where you found it when you are done.
7. My other annoyance is when people talk about things they know nothing about. For example; my mother became a reverend. That’s great for her, but I still feel she is ignorant about a lot of things. She is under that impression black people do not get depression. Especially black women they are too strong minded to have that. Black people rarely if never commit suicidal. Those who self-harm- are just simply attention seekers. If they really wanted to kill themselves, they would have been efficient the first time. They do it for the attention, they are not “really” trying to harm themselves. Those who have depression or anxiety, or self-harm are weak minded. And simply need to learn to “get over it”. It is very hurtful to hear things like that from her. I’m not surprised given her personality but it’s still hurtful. I have had depression twice, that 2015-to a third quarter of 2017 has not been an easy for me, the negative thoughts, suicidal thoughts and tendencies were very real to me. The anxiety buildup was and is still very real for me. I am the type to hold everything in, stressful situations do get to me. Especially when it is one bad thing after another. All that negative energy and those thoughts can lead to anxiety buildup which leads to self-harm. It’s insulting to me that she assumes there really is only one way to self-harm. Not all self-harm involves a gun or knife. For some it’s drinking excessive amount of alcohol- to get alcohol poisoning, or abuse of mediation etc there are side effects to failed attempts it’s just that not all of them are something you can physically see with your eyes. Just because a person looks fine on the outside does not mean they are not going through somethings. When I feel like my buildup is happening; I remove myself from the situation. I think it is great that I am consciously aware now that certain situation makes me prone to certain negative behaviors. From there I can figure out what the cause is, next I ask myself “this situation; is it something I can change? If not then I need to let it go, it’s not my job to hold on to all these burdens.” I literally get up and walk away. I’m not Superman- and I wouldn’t want to be; it’s not my job to fix other people’s problems, or be caught up into things I honestly cannot control. But back to the ignorance thing; it’s 2017 we live in the technological society, my mother’s ignorance… there is no excuse for it. I think I would accepted more if she simply said, “she didn’t care about situations like those.” Versus devaluing a person’s opinion and their emotions about an actual situation they are in. It’s one of those, in her particular field shouldn’t she have more compassion?
8. My brother and is girlfriend..boo thang, wife…friend or whatever she is this week. Constantly using up all the gas in the car. There is no way they are bringing in money and not putting gas in the car. I hate that they go out multiple time a day and use up all the gas. It really bothers me that they leave receipts and straw paper from the drinking straw in the car. It’s like must you shove it in our faces that you can afford to go out every night if not every other night?
9. Well the shower problem is going on over two months of not being fixed. It is so annoying filling up a bucket of water and refilling the toilet tank so one can flush. Mom likes pouring into the bowl. Let’s just say not everything goes down like it’s supposed to. Trust me it is so fucking gross! I think the bathroom smells horrible! I’ve tried cleaning I can’t get that smell out. Which is starting to make me nauseous. But she’s not bothered her sinus has been getting to her. Her excuse “I can’t smell anything!” I’m thinking “of course not for it you could you would know this is unacceptable. “Every time she says she’s going to go get the shower fix, she has an excuse on why she couldn’t. The store was closed, I couldn’t find it! (she has smart phone didn’t use the navigator on it.) It’s a holiday, I have to pay this bill instead. It’s been over two months now I can’t be understanding. But she can find things to do when it comes to redecorating the house with grandma’s old furniture and wanting to add more stuff we don’t need. Or wanting to tackle on some other project. It’s like can we fix the shower first that should be top priority! So, we can turn the water back on to have a working toilet! I hate having to run to basement to turn the water on to run back upstairs to take a shower, because of this, the water goes from ice cold to extreme hot, which doesn’t help me since bro and his girlfriend like to flush the toilet. Imagine there you are; you finally got a decent temperature and then they flush and you are hit with scalding hot water! *side note bro took the last roll of toilet paper- apparently those two can have money for food, but not necessities, such as toilet paper, bottled water, glasses, plates etc. So now we’re trying to figure out how we are going to survive without the toilet paper, food has also gone down as well. This poor shit is really for the birds.
Ultimately, I am annoyed by a lot of things, and I do have a lot of things to complain about. The only real positive that I am looking forward to, is focusing on this writing career; but I don’t want to leave one hell for another or be bound by a lot of rules. Hopefully by Mid-November I can start sending out my work. The first two books are put together. They just need some fine tuning. I was looking forward to doing something for Halloween- I really wanted to be Jack Sparrow and do up a nice dinner for that weekend before. But the way these bills have been going-It seems like I may have to cut back on things I had planned. Thankfully, I have a backup costume (statue of liberty-all I would need is some batteries, some paint, some paper-tissue would be better) I can make a DYI costume I already have the dress. I was really looking forward to Halloween but now not so much. I wanted to try so many recipes, it seems like at the most it’s gonna have to be cut down by a lot

A Change in Direction Can Be A Good Thing

Hello everyone and welcome back again,

So I have come to the acceptance and the understanding that what I needed and wanted five years ago. Isn’t what I need or want now to be happy. For example: I did recently look up a graduate program in Psychology for my Masters (Since I keep getting that the question of “when are you going back?”, “Well it’s easier to obtain your dream than it is for me to obtain mine.”) Which brought up two reactions from me:

1. Being a psychologist, was never my dream. It’s just that people like telling me their problems and I figured why not get paid to listen. Since most people know the answer to the questions they just want someone to listen without judging.
2. I am nowhere near in the right head space be psychologist or even pursue that right now. My inner shrink is telling me “The last thing I should do is put myself  into a more stressful situation that I am not mentally, emotionally ready for.

and as i’m reading all this information-I was so uninspired. That fire that was there before isn’t there anymore my empathy has gone down by at least 53%. And after working in office environment, leaving one environment for another same environment actually makes me cringe. I need an job where my creativity gets to show, and I get to change up my environment.  I can’t help think of that quote from “The Contender”, “If you don’t have the heart for this; let’s do something else.”  Well about two weeks ago, I went out and bought myself a journal and some tabs, and pens. And my inspiration for writing has come back. My dream, is to entertain people. I want to bring a smile to people’s faces and I do have a way with words. I always use to say “I can’t tell a joke to save my life; but I can tell you a funny story.” And i remember that time before I entered High School where I was going down a list of things I could be and on my list was “writer” but I have always been told by teachers, my grammar needs to be better , I need to pick which person I am writing in “first, second or third.” or that I write the way that I speak and it’s hard for others to understand me. So it really was my teachers that knocked down my self-esteem in that department it would have been nice if instead of knocking me they tried to point me in the right direction to improve myself. But at the age of 28, my thinking is “wait…grammar is something that can easily be fixed. All i need to do is review the things  that confuse me about it.” I took a quiz online about grammar and answered thirteen out of fifteen correctly.  So, clearly my grammar isn’t that bad, perhaps they were just bad teachers. Any who, I’ve been writing a lot more short stories. I just don’t have anything  in me to write a novel. Perhaps some day when I have enough material to write full novel I will. However I prefer the fast pace of a short story. I really want to do a short stories for adults, probably because in my life time I only came across one book like that. I have also started researching publishing sites.  I’m really looking forward to moving in a different direction.

At first the idea of moving from “Psychology” to “Writer” bothered me; mainly because i had placed so much time an effort into it, and it really brought me down when I wasn’t accepted into Graduate school. But finally i had to sit myself down and say “listen, it’s okay if what you wanted and needed five years ago, isn’t what you want or need right now. You’re not a failure if you decide to take a different path. It’s time to clear the off the table filled with the “plans for how your life should look” For that is not the reality you are living right now. Maybe you’ll re-circle to it later in life (if you don’t that’s okay too) but for right now, lets make a new plan that’s more beneficial for you and your needs right now in this stage of your life.” Since I decided to do that, I do feel like an unnecessary weight has been lifted and now I can focus on my stories. I like the convenience of having a story journal since I don’t have to wait until i get home to write on the laptop. More so, even if the story isn’t quite there I can always do a character map and come back to it. That and my dreams have become more vivid and i’m just like “oooh..new story!” I’m liking how my creativity is coming out in a constructive way. Plus, I think it’s therapeutic for me, for in that small space of time I get to live a different lives in these stories.

So my goals thus far is: Look into some good grammar software, type of the stories in my journal and add them to my laptop. Visit B&N and see if they have any material on Creative Writing (to make sure i’m covering my basics) Buy myself a new flash drives specifically for my stories. With any luck Mid-October to early November I should be ready to start contacting publishers.

Other side note: I plan on buying me the Rosetta Stone Korean (because I always wanted to learn, that and it would be nice to watch the drama without subtitles and know what they’re saying!)