Hello everyone and welcome back! I know i’ve been gone for far longer than a minute. I hope you all have been well and that you are enjoying this Fall weather wherever you are in the world.
Since I am having some issues with WordPress-( is anyone else finding this site a lot harder to navigate lately. It literally takes a good five minutes just to access the write post part of this site.) I can’t check back to see what my last post is; like I normally do. Last thing I want to do is give you all a repeate of what I talked about in my last post. So if I am repeating a bit I apologize.
I did go and visit my neurologist asked him to place me on new medication that din’t leave me feeling negative all the time. The depression and the suicidal thoughts were really getting to me. So he put me on a new pill. On this pill I got my energy back, that black cloud over me disappeared and it has placed me on a Euphoric high. I still get the occasional negative thought but the intensity and and frequency is nowhere near what it once was. He has cut down the duration of my migraines but I feel like the frequency is the same.
Thanks to being in a happier mood; I did pick up writing again. I am done with my third book – all that is left to do with that is write it up and place the stories in the order that I want. I really want to give my “writing career” an actual shot; I have a list of different publishing places to send my work to. My thought process on the “writing career” is to always be one book ahead. Since all writers run into “writers block”. This way if I turn out successful and I fall into a block there is always a book off to the side; and my readers wouldn’t have to wait long. I was also thinking for those stories that have multiple parts of doing a special edition where all the parts are in one book with extra parts that weren’t in the first two parts or so. The “extra” could be answers to some of the questions readers had about the stories that I may not have thought coming from a writer’s point of view. Also, another good thing about that career path is; if it does work out: I get to pick my own hours, I can save money on gas by not having to commute-unless it’s to meet with my publicist. No more office job-where I must listen to other people’s gossip etc. Also, I feel like this career path would be more forgiving towards my chronic migraines.
After working an office job in a hospital for a while… I am ready for something else. I see every choice whether it be: studying, jobs, education; as a stage, I am there for a reason to learn something that will help better me for the future. It’s supposed to help me later on in life with something. After a while, you learn all that you can at that particular stage and then it’s time to move on. My feelings on this job now is starting to be like how it was on retail. It’s that thought “I hate it here, I really don’t want to be here.” I clearly have plateaued at that place. It’s not a bad job; and the people are friendly enough. It’s just for me personally, I don’t see myself staying forever and day, and the pay doesn’t make me want to stay either… I want to be in a job that uses my creativity or a place where I can apply my brain. That and it would be nice to have a job with a better pay. Now that’s not to say that I think the writing job would be easy. It won’t be, a lot of time and energy goes into writing stories; especially something that is “fresh” , I have to be careful of plagiarism, I have to make sure the stories are interesting enough to the point that people will want to buy them, there is the advertisement, and of course I have to pop out enough stories to stay relevant and make a living etc. If this is to be my livelihood; I want to make sure I do it well. And that means by buying good grammar software; I know my grammar is not always on point. *side note; if my career does take off; then hopefully I could have extra cash to travel. With traveling I could experience new things which would spark my inspiration for new stories.
But on to other things: Now this wouldn’t be a “rant blog” if I didn’t talk about some things that really irk the hell out me:
1. Nosy coworkers, you know the ones who aren’t nosy to be helpful in a situation. They are just nosy just be nosy. They take meaningless information that they have acquired, and they keep talking about it. For example, information had come up about someone who had either been in jail or was on probation for a short space in time. My point of view on the situation was: that is information that shouldn’t be circling around to begin with; unless that person wanted that information to be out. Two; why do you care so much about information that has nothing to do with you? I feel as though people shouldn’t be judged by their past; especially if they have done their time (whether that be repenting/going to jail etc) if they have grown from it and have moved on; others should as well. More so, when you treat people based off information that you heard “through the grapevine” you don’t give them a fair chance. It’s like a self-fulling prophecy. Needless to say, every time she gets nosy which is every day; I just want to get loud while clapping my hands in frustration and say: BE LESS CONCERNED ABOUT WHAT OTHERS ARE DOING; AND LEARN HOW TO DO YOUR FUCKING JOB! FOCUS ON THAT!!! It’s so annoying when she asks questions about things she should clearly know at this point in her job. I hate being constantly interrupted for information that is easily accessible. For example. How she’ll stop me to ask what the extension number is for a department. Which wouldn’t be an issue; if the list literally wasn’t right there in front of her. I’m quick to tell her where to find the information. Whereas the head secretary likes to just give her the information. I hate that, my thinking is she needs to be self-sufficient; what is she going to do on the day when neither of us is here and all the doctors are in their office? She’s going to have to figure out where to get this information form.
2. I get really annoyed when the secretary continuously asks a question; she’s given the answer to and then she replies, “that’s what I figured.” My feelings are if that’s what you thought to begin with, why the hell did you bother me? Especially when I have piles around my desk and I am clearly busy. Keep in mind, she will say this, but then ask the same exact question later on. Now I have suggested to her; to write the answer down and place it on her desk somewhere for quick reference-She doesn’t want to do that. I have suggested highlighting phone extensions that she uses the most frequently (that’s what I did, it’s very effective for quick information retrieval) – she won’t do that but still asks every single day “Hey…What’s the extension for …?”
3. What annoys me most is: I like a person who takes initiation to learn, it is not just about asking the right questions but bothering to retain that information. For example, if a situation happens and someone else with more experience takes over; a person with initiation (but not experience) will although stand out of the way will be watching and taking notes- whether it’s physical or mental. Once the situation has been handled they will follow up with questions to gain a better understanding. I feel like with certain situations she’s not bothering to pay attention and learn at all.
4. Use of the cell phone, if she’s not scheduling people, or checking people in. She’s on her cell phone texting, social media. Which wouldn’t be a bad thing; if there were no other things to do in the office. Like restocking the batteries, making charts, creating more charge tickets etc. Those times during the day when it’s quiet versus hectic should be a catchup time. Only then if everything has been done then you can entertain yourself. (technically our policy prohibits being on the cell phone during work hours, unless it’s an important call you have to take and then you would step out of the office and take your call) The head secretary – it annoys me that she does personal calls in the office. Mainly because I am subjected to listening to that call. It makes me uncomfortable because I am not interested in hearing about her private affairs-she is a loud talker. Now I did do one private call (that was the only private call I had made while I was on the clock-I did it during lunch when I have the room to myself, I called my doctor’s office to try to straighten up something. The head secretary had come into the room to grab her headphones, so she could go to the gym, upon noticing I was on the phone making a private call-something I never do. You know she had the nerve to stand there and listen in. Thankfully I didn’t give out any important information. It was just an issue about the referral/insurance. But once my call was done she asked me if everything was alright. I replied, “I will be.” And left it at that, it was one of those “you don’t need to know this information. “Because of my job title I’m supposed to be in the room during lunch to answer the phone, help clients if they knock at the window despite the fact that the office is closed- we have a big ass sign on the window that says so. That’s why I took the call in there. But now I know for future reference “fuck it, I’m taking my call outside.”
5. Reading other people’s emails: when the head secretary looks over and sees my computer screen with something colorful on it. (usually it’s a flyer that has been sent around the hospital about an upcoming event.) Her: “…I don’t remember getting that! Can you print that out for me?/ can you forward the copy to me.” I hate when she’s on my side of the room doing something and she’ll look over to my desk and if my email is up she’ll read it. My feelings are: Don’t you have something else to do? Clearly if it is an email she has received but chose to delete before reading.
6. This is something the whole office does that pisses me off, if you see I am putting charts away, and you have a chart that needs to be put away; hand me the damn chart. I don’t care it if’s a “W” and I’m in the fucking “D’s” hand me the chart! Or you clearly see I’m getting the charts ready to be faxed; and you need something faxed “HAND ME THE DAMN CHART”. Or when they take things off my desk such as pens. I had a nice green pen I really liked, someone came and took it. I can tell when someone has been at my desk, they don’t put stuff in order. I hate there is no respect for boundaries. Whether the person is there or not, you shouldn’t use their stuff. And if you must use their stuff put it back where you found it when you are done.
7. My other annoyance is when people talk about things they know nothing about. For example; my mother became a reverend. That’s great for her, but I still feel she is ignorant about a lot of things. She is under that impression black people do not get depression. Especially black women they are too strong minded to have that. Black people rarely if never commit suicidal. Those who self-harm- are just simply attention seekers. If they really wanted to kill themselves, they would have been efficient the first time. They do it for the attention, they are not “really” trying to harm themselves. Those who have depression or anxiety, or self-harm are weak minded. And simply need to learn to “get over it”. It is very hurtful to hear things like that from her. I’m not surprised given her personality but it’s still hurtful. I have had depression twice, that 2015-to a third quarter of 2017 has not been an easy for me, the negative thoughts, suicidal thoughts and tendencies were very real to me. The anxiety buildup was and is still very real for me. I am the type to hold everything in, stressful situations do get to me. Especially when it is one bad thing after another. All that negative energy and those thoughts can lead to anxiety buildup which leads to self-harm. It’s insulting to me that she assumes there really is only one way to self-harm. Not all self-harm involves a gun or knife. For some it’s drinking excessive amount of alcohol- to get alcohol poisoning, or abuse of mediation etc there are side effects to failed attempts it’s just that not all of them are something you can physically see with your eyes. Just because a person looks fine on the outside does not mean they are not going through somethings. When I feel like my buildup is happening; I remove myself from the situation. I think it is great that I am consciously aware now that certain situation makes me prone to certain negative behaviors. From there I can figure out what the cause is, next I ask myself “this situation; is it something I can change? If not then I need to let it go, it’s not my job to hold on to all these burdens.” I literally get up and walk away. I’m not Superman- and I wouldn’t want to be; it’s not my job to fix other people’s problems, or be caught up into things I honestly cannot control. But back to the ignorance thing; it’s 2017 we live in the technological society, my mother’s ignorance… there is no excuse for it. I think I would accepted more if she simply said, “she didn’t care about situations like those.” Versus devaluing a person’s opinion and their emotions about an actual situation they are in. It’s one of those, in her particular field shouldn’t she have more compassion?
8. My brother and is girlfriend..boo thang, wife…friend or whatever she is this week. Constantly using up all the gas in the car. There is no way they are bringing in money and not putting gas in the car. I hate that they go out multiple time a day and use up all the gas. It really bothers me that they leave receipts and straw paper from the drinking straw in the car. It’s like must you shove it in our faces that you can afford to go out every night if not every other night?
9. Well the shower problem is going on over two months of not being fixed. It is so annoying filling up a bucket of water and refilling the toilet tank so one can flush. Mom likes pouring into the bowl. Let’s just say not everything goes down like it’s supposed to. Trust me it is so fucking gross! I think the bathroom smells horrible! I’ve tried cleaning I can’t get that smell out. Which is starting to make me nauseous. But she’s not bothered her sinus has been getting to her. Her excuse “I can’t smell anything!” I’m thinking “of course not for it you could you would know this is unacceptable. “Every time she says she’s going to go get the shower fix, she has an excuse on why she couldn’t. The store was closed, I couldn’t find it! (she has smart phone didn’t use the navigator on it.) It’s a holiday, I have to pay this bill instead. It’s been over two months now I can’t be understanding. But she can find things to do when it comes to redecorating the house with grandma’s old furniture and wanting to add more stuff we don’t need. Or wanting to tackle on some other project. It’s like can we fix the shower first that should be top priority! So, we can turn the water back on to have a working toilet! I hate having to run to basement to turn the water on to run back upstairs to take a shower, because of this, the water goes from ice cold to extreme hot, which doesn’t help me since bro and his girlfriend like to flush the toilet. Imagine there you are; you finally got a decent temperature and then they flush and you are hit with scalding hot water! *side note bro took the last roll of toilet paper- apparently those two can have money for food, but not necessities, such as toilet paper, bottled water, glasses, plates etc. So now we’re trying to figure out how we are going to survive without the toilet paper, food has also gone down as well. This poor shit is really for the birds.
Ultimately, I am annoyed by a lot of things, and I do have a lot of things to complain about. The only real positive that I am looking forward to, is focusing on this writing career; but I don’t want to leave one hell for another or be bound by a lot of rules. Hopefully by Mid-November I can start sending out my work. The first two books are put together. They just need some fine tuning. I was looking forward to doing something for Halloween- I really wanted to be Jack Sparrow and do up a nice dinner for that weekend before. But the way these bills have been going-It seems like I may have to cut back on things I had planned. Thankfully, I have a backup costume (statue of liberty-all I would need is some batteries, some paint, some paper-tissue would be better) I can make a DYI costume I already have the dress. I was really looking forward to Halloween but now not so much. I wanted to try so many recipes, it seems like at the most it’s gonna have to be cut down by a lot