I had an interesting dream last night, I dreamed that I was dating one of my high school Ex’s We will call him Tim. He was doing the same thing he did back then, I initiated the conversations, I had to engage holding hands; he was pleasant enough, soon enough I held back on showing any affections. We end up at the Mall, he goes on about how he wants to see if they have some new game out. So he heads over to GameStop, I see him in line with these other people waiting to play this game, he seemed content enough, so I’m like “I’m gonna go do my own thing.” so i’m looking at the various shops and items, someone had entered me in a contest, and my name got called and I had one 5 grand in cash
. One of the people didn’t want to give up the money, Paul Mooney (the comedian) was the announcer, and he talked the guy into giving me my money. “Don’t be upset that you lost; just think of as it wasn’t your turn to win, she played and won fair and square. Your turn will come eventually.“ So I get my money, and I am ecstatic and i’m thinking “What bill should I pay off first?” Part of me is like, The credit card that needs to go. Yet, I was thinking of putting some on one of my student loans and the phone bill…Then I thought, wait I know what I could do with a proportion I could buy Tim that game he wants. I head back to where Tim is after checking out Yankee Candle, he’s no longer in the line. But he’s upset that I left him there. To which I replied “you seem happy there so I figured it was best that I leave you alone. He went on about how he wanted me to watch him play. (Then I get hit with a memory of reality-back in HS we went to a competition, and we got separated and when I finally found him, he seemed happy with his group of friends; so I thought it was best to just leave him there. I told him later about it and he got upset and said I should have pulled up a seat or said something.” ) I’m thinking de ja vu? Next thing I know we’re sitting in this therapist office, going over what we think the problem in our relationship is. He said I was bit cold and unfeeling, he doesn’t feel as though I care
. and my response was “he doesn’t act like a boyfriend.” I went on to explain how lonely I feel in the relationship, he doesn’t show any form of affection; he doesn’t hold my hand, hug me, has never attempted to kiss me. I want a real relationship, that’s in person, not over text, emails or notes. I want a guy that bothers to take me out. if i’m your girlfriend act like it, hold my hand, initiate contact, if you miss me then tell me you miss me, if you want me a round; tell me you want me around , and most importantly act like it. Do you know what its like to be in a relationship that makes you feel unwanted
. The thing about it is, he’s not a verbal jerk, it’s all in actions. For example, when I great him in the morning; I’m all smiles and sunshine-because i’m really happy to see him. You know what he gives me? “mmmm” I have to ask him questions to prompt him to ask me questions. or that time in HS we were taking a picture for our FBLA club, we were the first two in the room, I’m sitting next to him everything is fine, next thing I know other people are coming in, he literally gets up and moves to the seat furthest away from me. Its like everyone already knows we’re dating, what are you doing? I wanted to cry so much at that action; that straight up disrespectful. In that picture I look so upset. He was fine with taking the picture he just didn’t want any proof he was next to me
.. I hate having to grab his hand first; i feel like i’m pushing myself on him, and I don’t like that, so I start pulling back. The biggest mistakes he made towards me and still has yet to this day to apologize for. He join some type of vocational training called “New Visions” and he got in. Don’t get me wrong I was happy for him. what bothered me was he never told me he tried out for it, and never told me he got in. It was his friends girlfriend who let me know. You know how horrible that is to hear, you’re boyfriend isn’t going to be around anymore from a stranger? He was just going to leave and not say anything. That’s what irks me. He could have told me the truth, he was going to be really busy and instead of dragging the relationship out, its best to end it now (give me some closure), yeah I would have been a little disappointed that I wasn’t going to see him anymore;but I wouldn’t have shown that, I would have smiled brightly at him and wished him best. I could have used that summer to deal with my heartbreak and would have been doing just fine by September. But he couldn’t bother to give me that. I know he’s not an idiot and knew what he was doing. Before I dated him I was in a relationship with guy who treated me horribly-everyone saw it, but at least in the end I got closure. He never really liked me, he just wanted to conquer me it was all about the chase. He wanted to nail the black girl (thankfully he never did :D) , he said the reason why he was so mean to me was because others were giving him a hard time about being with a black girl, so he took it out on me. Mind you, I made sure I was over him first before I started with Tim.
So to answer the question Doc; that’s what’s wrong with our relationship, how can I possibly trust him. or want to invest any emotion or time, if I know its not going to be reciprocated? if I know he’s just going to pull a disappearing act yet again? So yeah, I am keeping my distance to protect myself. At the end of the day when the pieces drop the only person whose going to be there to pick them up is me.
*obviously, it’s a dream so there has to be a happy ending.* And he did apologize for how it all went down and admitted that it was fucked up how he handled the situation. “I didn’t know I was making you feeling that way, I can’t change the past but I can change the presents. First things first *grabs hand* I’m going hold your hand more. and I’m going to tell you, ‘I missed you’ when you left me in that store. It wasn’t just about the game, I wanted to spend time with you. When you left, it was like ‘okay, she doesn’t want to spend time with me.’ Now I know you were not being selfish, you were trying to be considerate towards me, I’m sorry if I made you feel like I didn’t want you around.”
Then the doctor said that we were making progress, but it seems like the main issue in the relationship was lack of communication. “The reason why he felt like you were uncaring, was because you started pulling back on your feelings, to protect yourself from the pain he was causing you. That’s horrible that you feel lonely in your relationship. You have to speak up, if someone is making you feel uncomfortable or isn’t living up to the expectations you believe they should especially in a relationship, you have to let that person know. Other wise they are going to assume you are okay with that behavior.If you let them know the deal is and they don’t change, you have two options. 1.)deal with it. 2.) cut it loose. As for you young man, as the singer Bobby Womack said “If you can’t give her love; give her up.” If you don’t want to take the time to be in a relationship and put in the necessary time and effort then that’s fine. But you need to let your partner know that; so she can move on; and I don’t mean by disappearing; schedule a meeting time, sit her down and tell her what it is. You OWE your partner that. When you up and bounced you messed with her sense of security.I get you’re a busy person-but guess what so is everyone else. You could have taken 5 minutes out of your time to break up with her properly. And you young lady, learn to speak up, and more importantly; it’s okay to put yourself first in a relationship. Sometimes you have to rock the boat for change to happen. Sometimes men don’t get that their actions can have a double meaning. I don’t think he purposefully went out of his way to cause your harm. But, he could have been more cautious of his actions. My point is; TALK to each other, don’t just say what you think the other person wants to hear. And don’t try to handle each other with kiddie gloves.
So we left the office, feeling much better now that the elephant in the room had been discussed.He reached for my hand, and we took a light stroll around the city and the park. Where he treated me to ice cream, I finally got to have my hug and I did get kiss on the cheek. and I replied “see, that wasn’t so hard now was it?” and we continued to walk on and laugh about other things. That’s where the dream ended.
It was a good dream; I never realized how much bitterness and animosity I harbored towards Tim, over what happened years ago, I didn’t know thats how I really felt until that moment popped up again. It hit me I did end up with baggage from that relationship. That I do have trust issues, and abandonment issues. I knew I had some issues but it’s nice to know where it stems from.More importantly, the roll I played in it as well. And I learned from the therapist: Communication really is the big factor on if a relationship will work or not. As for the money portion of the dream, I think it was telling me that I could “strive” for success, and still make room for love too. That it doesn’t have to be one or the other. Money, is nice but there are things you cannot buy with it. Ultimately it’s my decision on if I want to start dating again. But like i said it’s nice to know, a person can have it all it doesn’t have to be all or nothing. That and a sincere apology sometimes really does fix everything. I know the real Tim will never apologize but it’s nice that my subconscious thinks/knows I deserve that much, so I can chuck my baggage to happy.