Hello everyone, and welcome back.
I trust all of you are well, and staying warm. Today has been one of those days; where you wake up feeling emotionally crappy and someone tells you to put a smile on your face or to look at the bright side and you can’t help but think to yourself “oh, SHUT…UP!” My day started out pretty weird: I have this app on my phone that’s called “daily tarot” so my phone goes off at 8:08 am to wake me up for work, I roll out of bed go over to my phone swipe left and I see on my tarot card reading, I got the “Death” card, at this point I’m thinking “Death? on a Monday? well at least it’s not telling me i’m gonna die on a Tuesday which is like THE most anti-climatic day of the week. So I quickly rush to my window; expecting their to be a blizzard outside (it was snowing the night before). The thing with tarot cards are; there are multiple interpretation, just because I got the “Death” card doesn’t mean I’m gonna die, it can mean the end of something so something new can happen. Since I knew it had snowed the night before I was thinking “the roads will probably be very horrible; so their may be a possibility that this time the card could be literal” I look outside and roads are fine. I take a breath of relief and enter the app to read it.
Basically the card said “You’ve been through so crap; there’s no denying that. But, you have also held on to a lot of crap as well. The universe is working with you to bring you good things and fortune, but in order for that to really work, you have to let go of some of the crap you’ve been holding to; be it a job, and old friendship that is not serving it’s purpose, a bad habit. Whatever it is that is not working for you : LET IT GO it is clearly holding you back. It’s time to accept that shit happened and to let it go.”
Since I was having my “low” day; I really wasn’t trying to here all that
, it was one of those “I agree with you; but…” moments. To which im like 2015 was not that long ago. The wounds of the past are still fresh and real. I am moving forward, slowly mind you. But it is happening. I’m still I upset about life in 2015. And I won’t calm down or even remotely think about forgetting anything that happened until some phenomenal awesome good sh*t starts happening to me. Also, I am suffering from depression; I do have my good days when life feels “swell” and I can enjoy the day for the little things. But on those “Low” days; its hard to know acknowledge whatever resentment or bitterness I feel. Because of my illness its not that easy for me to let things go. Especially for days like today when all I really want to do ball up into a corner and cry, because the world feels like too mean/cruel of a place (I know during that time, i’m being irrational, and that it’s my hormones/ illness talking. That’s not the real me. I have learned that one those days, I simply have to accept that’s just who I am in that moment and that is how I feel. Letting depression “go” is not a option, its not something you can physically hand off to someone else. However, I can take steps to getting better
, like praising myself for things I do correctly, even though I was really having a crappy day; I didn’t let that stop me from helping someone else.I did make a stride today, I had the opportunity to play lottery, I chose to save my last three dollars for a rainy day (I’ll wait for pay day), as for a friendship change- you all remember about that friends I spoke about last time, I decided to be brutally honest. Here’s a small excerpt :
[ there is that ideology, if you’re speaking to your ex again, you initiated contact after years or months, you didn’t do it to simply “talk”, you did it for sex. so that would explain why the guys have been reacting to you that way. don’t you have any guy friends that are in your friend zone, you know guys you would never ever sleep with, or that you are NOT attracted to. When you reconnect with an ex or a guy you were talking to in the past but quickly ended it with, it becomes obvious you don’t want a friendship, you either want a sexual relationship, or you want a an intimate “dating relationship.” that may not be what you’re saying; but those are the signs you’re giving off…. He blew you off so he didn’t “hurt you.” Do you hear yourself that doesn’t make sense. He didn’t have to blow you off; all he had to do was be up front about the situation and walk away. You’re full grown, the choices in life you make are your business, not anyone else’s even if they are your ex’s sister who lives next door. People will judge you regardless, just be upfront with who you are and what you want. If all you want is a sexual relationship with Dean, own it and let him know. If you’re simply just testing the waters but don’t have any true interest in any of these guys then let know so they can decide if they want to play or not. If you’re not interested in a real relationship with Sam, let him know so he’s not wasting his time. There’s nothing wrong with not knowing what you really want. Just because some guys says a few nice things to you, doesn’t mean you have to force yourself to feel a particular way (it sounds like you’re trying to find validation through these guys- ans some are trying to prey on that). The big step to getting better isn’t just being honest with others its knowing to be honest with yourself. From listening to you from some time; I get feeling you don’t know what you want. You want something but you’re not quite sure what. I hope you find what you’re looking for; and that you won’t have to subject yourself to cheap meaningless thrills to only gain a small amount of instant gratification. Ultimately, your life, your choice. I stand by what you choose.]
Personally, I don’t think I was being mean, I think what I said is true. I think I just got tired of listening to her try to make herself sound like some innocent victim as she’s trying to juggle three different guy after just coming off a relationship with the supposed fiancee that she was “in love with.” I don’t care if she wants to play the field; that think that’s her right; my issue is that she does’t own the fact of the role that she plays in the things she does and tries to make it sound like these “events/guy situation” just randomly happen to her. And they did not, more often than not she facilitated it.
I know i’m a hater; and i’m okay with it. The death card can kiss me where the sun don’t shine. *does a diva head roll*.