Hello everyone long time no see! I hope everyone is doing well. I trust all of you have been well and in good health. Let’s do a recap shall we?
Yesterday was St.Patty’s day, it was also the day one of my coworkers was leaving our office, none of the other coworkers did anything for her, so I took it upon myself to do something for her. although she was only there for a little while, I was greatfull for all the help she had done. So I went out and got her Bananas (she ate one every day I assumed they were her favorite fruit), little bottles of vodka with lollipops, a card and cupcakes!
So I did get that MRI- the results came back negative. Most would find that to be good new; I don’t and I will tell you why. It could just be my experience but when test results comes back negative, doctors have a habit of dropping an issue like it doesn’t exist. I still have memory issues , for example the day of my second to last appointment I was in the store with my mom and we separated for a bit, and when it came time for us to meet back up I for the life of me could not remember what she looked like, Thankfully it was still early in the day and there wasn’t that many people in the store. I remember looking down at my skin and thinking “Okay, we’re looking for a black lady that looks similar to me” so I came across this one lady, and walked up to her and said with uncertainty “you look like…you could be my mom.” to which the lady turned around and responded with “I am your mother.” I took a sigh of relief and replied “oh thank goodness, because I forgot what you looked like.” I had a really bad migraine that day that was going on 36 hours and my mom could see I was in a lot of pain, so I was told to wait in the car. A few weeks ago, I forgot how to spell my name, , most wouldn’t think this is a bad thing, it is when your name is a login for multiple applications for your job. So looked down at my name tag, but no matter how much i stared at my name tag I couldn’t recognize my name. so after about three minutes I deduced that has to be the spelling of my name, so I entered it in, and sure enough it worked. However, for the rest of the day it just didn’t “feel” right to me.
I’m not sure if I have mentioned it or not, but I have noticed with the pain of the migraine but also the duration of the migraine my vision is becoming “off” double vision and about a week or so I started to see spots. When the vision becomes too bad; I go to sleep. That usually clears it up. Want to know a secret? I suspect I am going blind. Yesterday I went to get my eyes checked I want contacts. (I figured, if my suspicions are correct and my eyesight is getting weaker, while I can still see I want the memories of me with different colored eyes -I know it’s a shallow wish. I want to see as much as I can without being obstructed frames.) The doctor did ask if I had been having any vision issues such as double vision or seeing spots-naturally-I lied; I didn’t want to ruin my chances to get contacts. She showed me a picture of my optical nerve now i’m no doctor, but that nerve looked very expanded almost like it wants to burst or at the least is strained from pressure build up. I asked her what the worst case scenario would be. and she replied “You go blind.” She went on to say most doctors would be concerned about the state of your eyes but i’m not, However I would suggest, you keep and eye on it and get your eyes checked annually.So I wore my contacts yesterday and today (I think i had them in a little to long, my vision started getting blurry with then in, that never happens with brand new contacts!)
Oh, BTW I did ask the nurse practitioner if either she or the neurologist could write me up a letter so I could get on disabilities, and she said no, Hemipeligic/Chronic migraines are not considered a disability. Even though it really is disabling- I loose my ability to speak, its sensory overload, I can’t move the left side of my body as pins and needles shoot down all over my brain and down my spinal cord and to top it all off I go on unconscious for a couple of minutes to hours. She mentioned this paper I could fill out that she could sign off on would excuse me if I needed to leave work because of my migraines. I couldn’t tell you what that paper is, she told me three time, but my memory couldn’t retain it (You would think with memory loss being one of my main issues she would know to write important stuff down and give me a note-needless to say, after that she quickly left the room and didn’t tell me when the follow up appointment would be). The new medication she put me on, messes with my balance, makes me dizzy. (I feel like i’m on a roller-coaster and not in a good way) and it triggered my double vision! Needless to say, I tried that crap for two days and stopped taking it.
Do you ever feel like you’re not in a position where you can be honest? its not like you go out of your way to lie, you just omit, sometimes critical information? Personally, I don’t feel I have that type of environment where I can be honest about what’s going on with me health wise and have it be received positively. Like for example, I could say I have depression and my family would not NOT take me seriously. I told my brother a year ago- it took a lot of courage to open up and admit something is wrong (and I will admit is one of my biggest flaws) he looked me up and down and gave me a look of disgust and replied “No, I’M DEPRESSED, I take pills, I go to THERAPY…you….you’re just sad.” His argument completely negated the fact before he got treatment; there was decades he didn’t go to therapy and wasn’t on medication-that did not make him any less depressed. That’s when I knew I would receive no comfort from him. There would be no comfort from mom either, somehow, she would find away to make this about bro, and minimize what i’m feeling and what i’m going through.Clearly, if i’m going if i’m depressed like bro it must be jealously issues. Prime example, There was a point when mom randomly said “you’re brother depressed about lack of money” and I said “we’re all depressed” (mind you I was having one of my low days) to which she replied “not like your brother.” Which I thought to myself “that’s total bullshit; he is not the poster boy for depression, how does one honestly estimate who is hurting more and how is depressed and who isn’t.” Not so fun fact about me: remember what I said about “omitting information” I’m severely depressed and have been for over a year now….Do you know my brother had the nerve to say to me randomly yesterday afternoon “you know, I know you’re depressed…” As I thought to myself “No shit Sherlock, really what gave it away? the change in personality, the withdrawal from social activity and people, the everlasting state of sadness, the low self-esteem, the pessimistic view on life, constantly sleeping, exhaustion, increase alcohol consumption, tuning out reality, lack of focus etc.” But I ended up laughing manically , to which he replied “okay, guess not.” and quickly headed upstairs.
My next goal in my health is to see a psychiatrist, who hopefully will help me get on disabilities. If I do that, I could still bring some money to help with the bills, and focus on my health. Truth be told I am anything but well. Whether it is mental or physical, my illness is something only I feel, and regardless on if I have support in my corner or not, if people know just how much pain I am in or not. I can’t keep going on like this, My family will never notice i’m not okay. They don’t pay me enough attention to. Even if I say something is wrong they will not listen. So I must take initiative and save myself.