Story Time: *gives you an innocent grin*. So on my way to speedway in front of Walmart, I passed by a cop, who happened to notice my inspection sticker wasn’t blue. I pull into the gas station near a pump, I get out the car and I notice that same cop drives around my car looking suspicious. He pulls up around me just as I’m about to insert my speedway card into the machine he pulls up behind. Now its a staring contest between me and the cop (as I wonder, is he gonna shoot me for being outside of the car, technically he can’t give me a ticket if I’m outside of the car…what’s the procedure for being pulled over when the car is already pulled over…) Upon noticing I am still standing, the cop flips on his lights. I take that as my clue to get in the car shut the door, roll the window down hands on the wheel. So I get in, turn the car on so I can roll the windows down, then shut it off and wait. Now the cop comes out of his car and tells me why he pulled me over. I tell him the car belongs to my mom (she was supposed to take it to get inspected today but changed her mom her mind this morning) so I give him my license and registration he goes to run it …15 minutes (I know he’s checking to see if I have a record I’ve been pulled over before I know it doesn’t take 15 minutes. Everything comes back clean, he said its nothing personal its a safety issue he said he gave me a month extension (on the paper says 1/26/17 @5:30 at the latest), hands me back my stuff and leaves. So mom tells bro, he goes on his tirade, all I said was write down the window shield blade size and where I get it, text it to me, Next Thursday after work, I’ll get the blade and car inspected. Him: I’m telling you now WHAT YOU CAN’T REMEMBER SUCH A SIMPLE TASK!?” ME: no dumbass I can’t, what part of memory issues do we not comprehend, there days I barely remember how to spell my name and you want me to remember these places and blade sizes, not happening; just text it to me! Him: go F yourself, now you’re on your own! He continue to make fun of my memory issue, while mom is like “stop it you two.” And stood there silently as he continue to insult me while complaining about paying for everything but nothing gets done in this house. Really Walmart would?, mom kept talking about auto zone, that and I don’t know how to change a blade, hopefully YouTube will be helpful.
Let me dream…If it makes me happy to imagine myself in the finest of clothes and living in a penthouse that solely belongs to me…Let me dream. If it makes me happier to think of a near future where all my troubles are gone and I finally have a chance to know real peace…let me dream. If all I got is dollar left to my name and it’s a 1 in 500,000 shot I’ll win that Jackpot lottery…Let me dream. Trust me friend; I hear you on the whole “you gotta deal with reality”, Let me tell you something, I deal with reality every day: it’s stuffy, disappointing, tiring and sometimes it’s just plain heartbreaking. My horoscope says I can’t stay in my fantasy world; that I must deal with reality, I must accept reality. And my response to such nonsense is “why?” What’s so wrong with dreaming of leaving this hell hole for something better. For the nightmare to just…finally end? If it brings me even just speck of joy…let me dream. My dreaming isn’t hurting anyone…oh I see, you see me smiling to myself having a fabulous time in my fantasies and you feel left out because you chose to “stay in reality”, you honestly think I’m hiding something. That I must be doing better than I tell people. No friend that is not the case at all; truthfully, I find reality to be a Debbie Downer and my fantasies to be entertaining, they make life bearable for me. Fear not friend; like most fantasies and day dreams…they have to end. Reality will hit me eventually and I will be reminded of my circumstances once more…But I won’t dwell on that. For now…let me dream.
*Enters the room waving*
Hello everyone! And welcome back once again. How ya been? Hopefully good.
[Quick Toast: Happy NYE everyone! *raises a glass* May your 2017 be a hell of a lot better than 2016. Gotta admit for me personally, I am so done with this year and I’m glad it’s coming to an end. If you had a great 2016 more power to you and I hope the blessing keep pouring in for 2017. If you had a crappy 2016…like moi. May you finally get the break you really do deserve and I hope nothing but positive energy and luck comes your way. So once again, let’s all raise our glasses to a bright…happy…2017! To new beginnings…to ending one chapter and starting a new one. Or if you’re fed up with the book that you are reading/writing/in: to ditching an old book and starting a new one. Happy New Years everyone!]
I know it’s been a hot minute since we last chatted so lets do a quick recap.
Met the nurse practitioner, who looked over my medicine that the doctors had me on and she’s like “why do they have you on this, for the type of migraines you have-these actually trigger more migraines. You not being able to keep food or the medicines down really limits us to what we can do. Well, I do have another patient who suffers from Hemiplegic Migraines he prefers this type of cocktail of drugs would you like to give it a try?”First day I tried the new meds, felt so much better at the doctors my migraine pain was like 7.5 after taking the meds 2 hours later the pain level was one. The next day I was completely fine, for once I actually had energy and I was over sensitive to anything sounds, smells lights. Also I wasn’t nauseous! Although, I did randomly vomit at some point in the day; that was weird to do projectile vomit with no warning, but I still felt great, I actually went well enough to the point where I wanted to go out and talk to random strangers and ask them how they were, but the horrible weather outside was like . Then the day after the migraines came back…Long story short the medicine isn’t working anymore. I feel like my migraines are getting stronger and i might be building up a tolerance to my medicine, even my anti-nausea medicine that i use to help keep my medicine down isn’t working I’m popping at least 3 of those pills, when at the beginning with one pill I would be fine for the whole day.
Still need to see an optometrist for my eyes I’ve been getting shadows and double visions and I think i need to see a G.I. to find out why am I not keeping food down. at the doctors office it said I weigh 115LB but I was wearing my steel toe boots and layers that day. I placed my hands on my hip today at work-and the first thought that came to mind was “wait did I loose more weight since Saturday?!” Maybe I should start doing weights I feel like my arm strength isn’t as good as it use to be….It sucks watching myself deteriorate especially, when people start complaining around me about how they need to “lose” weight. While i’m over here thinking “You don’t know how lucky you have it; you get to eat a plate of food you don’t have to worry about hurling it back up. Or,Hungry yet nauseous all the time.” *side note at my job in order to keep your insurance premiums low you have to do a health evaluation and make healthy choices that you enter into a computer. But due to my health…I gotta be real, I feel like shit 98% of the time i’m in pain all the time I don’t want to exercise and last thing I need to do is lose and more fucking weight if anything I need to be on the anti-diet!On another note, due to 2016 being a horrible, crappy year. I was a total Miss Anti-Holiday. I didn’t feel as though my family members deserved gifts, so after years of them saying “This holiday sucks” (especially, when they got hundreds of dollars worth of stuff and I only got $20 for myself) or “Oh great, now I have to get you something too!” (Even though, I told them “no you don’t, you are not obligated to return the favor, which they never did.”) *That and I had to pay for my crown (I’m done with the dentist, they wanted to do a few more fillings but i’m like “I’m done”.) so due to a lack of funds, I used my money for food (we had agreed prior that for Christmas dinner it would simple Soups and Sandwiches) no one help me pay for it, I made enough to last a few days I felt like bro ate more than his fair share (I would come home with a pounding migraine, he’s literally here ALL DAY LONG with a fridge full of food, but he won’t eat that. Nope, hates to cook his own but LOVES my sandwiches)
. The family decided on 7 days of seafood tradition (I hate that tradition-and wanted no partake in it so the sandwiches were supposed to cover me for those days -mom and bro ate my food.) later on that day, when asked where are the presents told them there were none.
NYE, due to a lack of funds, and hardly any food in the house. I saw no need to celebrate. I didn’t even watch the ball drop. All I could think was the past couple of years have not been kind to me. Why celebrate 2017, if this (looks around the room) is how it’s gonna be. When I woke up, I heard Mariah Carey had given a horrible performance in NYC.
January 2017- (excerpt from a convo with a friend)
guess what happened to me this morning? so I told you about the lack of gas yesterday right, mom said she would ask bro for some cash. So this morning I asked her if she was able to get the cash since both cars were on empty (i put what was left of extra gas we had in the garage in car it was enough to get me to work and half way home) So i wake her up and she asks me yet again “You don’t have any money?”She literally asked me that ten hours ago. to which my reply was still “no” so she hands me her card. I go to cumberland farms try to use the card but it wanted the pin. So I took two guesses and failed. finally called mom, of course she doesn’t answer her phone. And i’m thinking “oh you’ve got to be kidding me!” So I drive to work with my eye on gas tank hoping the car doesn’t die in the middle of street. I make it work and send mom a text about the needing the pin from the parking lot. Now it’s time to leave work before I do i check my phone I got the pin, so I go to the Sunoco on Nott Street this station (I don’t need the pin) at this point i’ve had a migraine since 8 AM and now it’s very strong, I come across a woman who looks like a character out of a harry potter movie (the tea lady) if you’ve seen it. And there is this big angry looking Asian man pacing in front of station. The lady asked me if I was busy (I think she needed help) I told her I Was b/c my migraine was getting really strong ( I was at that point where i’m like I need this gas to pump faster before my migraine gets too strong and I won’t be able to drive) I get the gas and would you believe I drove off with the gas door and hup cap hanging at the side. turned on to one street that was very narrow don’t know where i was or if it was a one way to fix the hup cap. Surprisingly the hup cap incident didn’t shock me too much b/c of the location of my migraine -I know when I get it there my short term memory is f*cked and I tend to make more mistakes and forget things. I pulled into someone’s space or perhaps it was there home drive way….I did a three point turn and made it home safely. There is literally enough gas to get me there,back and there again which is fine since payday is Thursday providing bro does not take the car As for today, my watched died, forgot to put the new stickers on the car, went the wrong way to work (technically it’s the correct way but it takes longer, thus I used up more gas than I wanted too) at that point in drive I started verbally expressing myself and how I feel that my guardian angel hasn’t been doing her job for past few years, and I want to upgrade to someone else. Needless to say upon saying that about two minutes later, my watch came back to life. To which I replied “oh, you fixing this does NOT negate everything else that has gone wrong!”
BTW: took an astrological quick 2017 astrological chart reading on several sites. First site said “this was not my year”. Other site said “your job will become obsolete and you’ll get let go in the second half of the year.” And the third site is like “holy crap you’ve been hit with a lot of bad luck these few years which is odd because your chart indicate your life shouldn’t be this hard good news is its a transition year that means you’re in for some big changes but you’re gonna get hit with one more horrible thing.before it gets better.’. Me : seriously. The reading I got in 2016 says accident, near death but I survive -I’ll be injured but I will get over it and move to brighter days I’m just like “I’m not looking forward to that hospital bill!” But I don’t mind the food but on the off chance the food has gone down hill since 06 I hope someone sneaks me in good seasoning Lol I can imagine the look on the nurses face when she strolls in to check my vitals “what are you doing!?” Me: making the food tasty, its missing fat and butter I am not down with this healthy crap! and no; I will neither give you my butter or my spices we are in a recession!
Well, that about covers it, hope everyone else has been having a much better time than me.
Hello everyone, and welcome back. Long time no see; I trust all of you have been well.
Nothing much really going on with me, my brother’s loud girlfriend went back to her country. I have one more appointment left on my dental adventure (the crowning) and then I am done. Whether the dentist feels as though his work is done or not, is on him. But on December 27, 2016 “I” am declaring myself done with this process. Since I used up my dental insurance for this year, the crowning I had to pay out of pocket. It went from $448 down to $397. I wish they had done the crowning earlier in the process so I could have gotten that covered by insurance. I told the secretary at my last appointment on Monday to cancel my cleaning (I had scheduled that months back) I don’t think she took it out of the system, yesterday I receive a reminder card about the appointment.Personally, I have floss, Listerine and I know where to get Crest Whitening strips- I think i’m good. I’m a little down about Christmas this year, I really wanted this year to be about me. Christmas is about “receiving not giving” But for the past couple of Christmases I have been doing a lot of giving and no receiving. Last year’s Christmas was just horrible, I felt as though people i.e family were not appreciative of the gifts that they receive. Which sucks, because I use my whole paychecks to buy gifts- things they actually want or said that they wanted throughout the year. This year, I really wanted to be selfish and just treat myself, and only get gifts for myself. I’ve had a pretty tough shitty year and felt as though at least the end of 2016 should be nice. But because of the crowning process I had to push some bills back, timing wise of everything just doesn’t match up. I foresee myself only having a couple of dollars for on Christmas. Doesn’t help there is an office party coming up, they decided to do a secret Santa-I was the only one who opted out of it. (I literally only have 36 cents to my name.) I can’t afford cards let alone gifts for people! I know I come off looking stingy-I don’t have the money for this. I wish I could just skip the party and the festivities. It sucks when your reality is “you’re the poorest person in the room.”
So far, Christmas has turned into a total bummer. Its like just when you think you get a little ahead, you run out of something, or there isn’t enough food, or the car needs gas, doctor’s appointments etc.”
Seeing how broke I am, left me a little hopeless for 2017 so what’s a girl to do whose curious about the future? I went and check out my horoscope for 2017, It’s like “yeah…2017 is NOT you’re year!” And all I could think was “B*tch it hasn’t been my year since 2014!” When am I going to catch a break. So i’m like okay, my luck sucks maybe my twenty-eight birthday will be better, and as i’m planning ahead with a guesstimation of how much I think i’ll get from my tax return I was reminded, of my past previous birthdays and me “trying something new” and my mother ruining my birthday with her constant complaints/ interference. I was thinking of doing a solo trip to Hawaii- I crave the beach and ocean, warm sunny days but mainly being away from all negativity and just enjoying the view of the ocean. I foresaw her trying to crash in on my vacation…again. So i’m like “let’s go somewhere – but she cannot come.”
Which brings me to the title of this post I saw this picture on Facebook, and it got me thinking which would you choose” I like the idea of having 2016 mindset in 1998. But going back 18 years is a lot. and I had a crappy childhood. My childhood is not something I would want to relive. But the idea of waking up at 45 with $50million in the bank would be nice. I would be curious to know what happened in that 17 year span. So I guess for me it’s the red pill. Which would you choose?
Hello everyone and welcome back once again.
Okay, let’s get to it. Today started off with me having mixed emotions. It’s that “yay, it’s pay day but oh, no. I got a lot of bills to pay.” It didn’t help that yesterday bro was trying to hit me up hard for cash for the cable bill. Which is understandable except I received a letter from my old college saying I have an outstanding balance of $124 (still not sure where that came from if I have been paying on the account- I would assume that would have popped up sooner). And there is my phone bill which AT&T decided to go up 6 dollars from 72 to 78. But I don’t feel like I’ve gained anything. Halloween is Monday, and I really wanted to celebrate by having themed food. But bro had to walk into the kitchen and totally wreck my happy mood as I am making some thing ahead of time.
. Like my brother saying he doesn’t have money. Yet, almost every day if not every other day he is literally going out to restaurants/fast food buying food. Him and the girlfriend she likes healthy food no additives, he doesn’t care for it, they end up throwing out all that food in the end.She only likes food that’s either baked or boiled. I don’t understand why they both can’t shop for their own food and cook their own food. I don’t understand why there is more food in their house, yet, he feels the need to come down here and take my food. I don’t care if my cooking is better than hers; we hardly have anything down here. It’s not right. I don’t understand why he is so pressed about my phone bill. I like my independence that we are not on the same plan, that and I am not sharing my data with anyone. If you’ve been following my posts for awhile then you will recall about a year ago we were thinking of doing a plan together my mom and brother couldn’t make up their mind, and I frankly got tired of waiting. And I went solo and stuck with AT&T since I had no problem with them in the past. And that is where I am today. I don’t get why he is all up in my cool-aid wondering what i’m doing, and how I could be saving a few bucks. My issue is, even though i would save a few bucks I’d be on a plan with him, meaning I’d have him all up in my business and he is not not worth the cost of saving! I am watching him and clearly his life is going a hell of a lot better than mine. So I don’t understand why he is under this weird delusion that I got my shit together and i’m doing better than he is. Physically, my health sucks, my finances are nowhere nears his; he is bringing in around a grand a month, Mentally and emotionally i’m wreck and trying to stay positive.
Just because I don’t complain every single day, or get all up in my feelings every 5 minutes doesn’t doesn’t mean the grass is greener on my side. I don’t care what’s going on in his life, or anyone else’, i’m just trying to get my stuff together one day at a time. Surprisingly, my horoscope has been saying “Don’t even worry about anyone else , or their opinion, just worry about you, your self-care. Take care of you first.” And that’s what I’m doing.
Hello everyone and welcome back once again!. I trust all of you have been having a kickass week, and if you have not, *places hand on heart* I feel you pain, and hope your weekend is better. I have some good news for a change.
Unfortunately, it’s not that I won the lottery or got an inheritance
I tried something new today, I attended the safety fair at work today. and learned something new! I learned about service dogs! unfortunately because of my memory issues I can’t remember what it was that I learned besides you can’t asked for identification, but most dogs usually wear some type of identification but they don’t have too. There are only two questions you can ask pertaining to that identification but I can’t remember what they are.
2.) I finally learned how to use a fire extinguisher, I have lived in an apartment before where there was one but had no clue how to use one. I am now proud to say, I know how to use one, if there is a fire i’m good no need to panic!
and my third piece of good news is *drum roll*, awhile back I had mentioned that I had written an autobiography. Well, I finally entered my story into this writing contest, and they are going to pick three winners and those three winners will get publishing deals, depending on how the readers respond to their work. You are not obligated to, but if you would like to read it feel free to click the link below. Heads up some of post you have read here on my word press are in my book, so just in case you’re reading my story and you feel a bit of deja vu , nope you’ve read some parts before. personally I loved to get some feedback from you guys. Personally, I love to get your feedback more; since you’ve been following my blog, and you know my writing style more and you know a little more of the back story of certain chapters since I talked about it a lot on here. But Like I said “no pressure. I know everyone is busy.”
The Story is: “Uniquely Me” By: Simone LaRaye
Hello everyone, and welcome back once again. I know it’s been awhile since I was on. But I trust that all of you have doing well and that you’re enjoying your weekend.
This weekend I have actually felt like an antisocial turtle. I have not wanted to talk to any of my friends or family members. And have avoided and ignored everyone. I wasn’t angry. although I was hit with a deep sadness for some reason. I felt like was in mourning but for what or who, I haven’t a clue.
Then a thought came to me around 3AM, I feel disappointed and uninspired. I’m a little further than I was last year, but i’m not where I want to be. things haven’t been going my way. As I was scrolling Instagram and tumblr, I came across some Memes that made me feel better….“don’t do it for them…do it for you.”…..”its okay to be selfish, and put yourself first.“ Usually in life and online, there are all these saying about: bringing a smile to someone’s face, making their day better, and putting others before yourself. But how often do you come across that advice to not do that. To look out for number one…i.e “YOU”. Its not my job to make sure someone is having a good day or to be the bearer of good news. Especially, if the actions are reciprocated. I figured i’ve given enough moral support to everyone, that I was left feeling empty there anything left for me,and for a lack of better words i’ve been having a s*ty time. So finally I was like “you know what, I don’t want to deal with people or their problems. I need some “ME” time, to figure out my life, what have accomplished, what still needs to get done. and what are some things I can do for myself right now.” All my social media sites that have messenger apps, I put it on invisible and refused to answer any messages. I avoided my family, but these walls are so damn paper thin, I could hear the complaining on the other side (not about me just life in general- didn’t miss anything there.) It was nice to just “stay in my shell”,I ate when I wanted to, didn’t talk to anyone, didn’t go anywhere and just let myself feel my emotions. The emotions that came out were pretty negative, but they were honest. After all, a person can only smile and be positive for so long. I’m human, I feel negative emotions, but I don’t really like dealing with them and I usually just suppress or pretend its not there; while putting on a happy facade. I know, it’s not healthy-the negativity its gotta come out. Once I started letting my true emotions shows, and allowed myself to feel: lost, hurt, disappointment, dejection, angry etc. I started feeling much better.
Sometimes what some of us need is some time to be a antisocial turtle. I felt as though things became clearer when I said how I really feel out loud. Changes need to be made, miracles don’t happen over night, but hey, it all starts with one step. That, and I’ve come to the conclusions it’s okay to be lost every once in awhile and have no clue where you want to go but know, you sure as hell don’t want to be here
. Sometimes the road map we had planed on using to get to our destination doesn’t work anymore. And sometimes the destination that we thought we wanted and would makes us happy; changes. Its okay, if the plans I had for myself 5 years ago, needs to be changed, discarded or tweaked a bit to fit my current mind frame and situation.
With that being said, I have been entering in contests to win trips to places (lets face it I need a vacation from everything like there is no tomorrow!), And if you guys don’t mind, I figured I would share some links, in case some of you were interested in winning trips to Europe. (There are Three links below, I wish everyone who enters good luck, and if you do win, I hope when you come back from the trip you’ll share your experience with the rest of us!)