I trust all of you are having a good week and that you’re holiday shopping is coming along. Want to know a secret? I haven’t even started mine. I haven’t even put up the Christmas tree or decorations. I’m not sure there will even be a Christmas this year. In my household fiances has always been tight and in recent years I have been the one to make sure Christmas happens. But with this new job although I am paid more than my last job. I am actually making less money now than I did at my other job. So since i’m not sure Christmas will happen-(especially since a big cut of my paycheck goes to my health insurance; then my bills/student loans) In the end I hardly have anything left.
I hate depression, especially my low days. Today I woke up feeling numb almost as if I was wrapped up in plastic, and outside that plastic is thick fog of sadness pressing up against it. Had a talk with the boss again, apparently, there are still issues with the charts; and things not being filed away correctly, like some names aren’t kept together for example finding an “Alexander” next to an “Adams”. I have notice these things too, and when I can put it back in the right place. Apparently the issue has to be me (I call total bullshit on that, for I am not the only one whose in the cabinet-and on multiple occasions I have found files in the wrong area. I am not the only one who goes in and out of there. -But the way the doctors and secretaries go on about it; you would think I do.) There was a complaint that I’m not moving fast enough and the secretary has had to do some of my job, (if it’s about filing the charts away-I do try to keep up with it; however, depending on the day other things may take priority. Like I said there are 8 people (not including me) plus the speech department who drop the charts off in the box. Depending on the day that box is going to keep getting filled up. I have days when when I get the box empty and I come back like 5-7 minutes later and the box is 1/3 of the way full again. There are times I cannot locate a chart when I’m pulling charts for the next day, I try to keep that number under 5. (I swear people think I only look in one place).
One of my biggest pet peeves of my job; is when a doctor has a chart that needs to be filed away they clearly have free time and they walk right past the cabinet that the chart needs to go in, and they put it in the needs to be filed box. Or the doctors that hoard the charts and wait until the last five minutes or so in the needs to be faxed box. Faxing charts takes time. You have decipher what the doctor wrote->Look up the doctor/facility that is suppose to receive the reports. Mind you, some doctors switch clinics so even though you have this address book that says “Dr. XYZ” is here. That might not be true-which can lead to the doctors office calling back saying “He’s not here anymore.” or them sending me back a fax “He’s not apart of our practice anymore.” So then I have to google this doctor and try to find them. (that takes time especially, if you don’t know the doctors first name, b/c the patient didn’t feel the need to clarify that on the HIPPA release form..) Then there are the “failed” cover sheets that get sent back, which I usually resend report at least three times, and if on the third time it comes back as a failed then I call the doctor office to confirm the fax number. Sometimes I am told; they have a brand new fax number. Apart from faxing, I make copies of the reports and mail them out to the patients-a couple of seconds are dedicated to doing that. Depending on the day there will be a lot of charts-when there are a lot of charts that slows me down from doing other task, I rank getting the Faxes done to be the most important. Next is confirmation calls. Usually it’s not a small number of people. there was one day when 43 people needed to be call. Saying the message “Hi this ____ calling from _______. I’m calling for ____ to confirm their appointment for ________. IF you have any messages or cancellations ; please feel free to call me back at ____. Also if you could have ____ arrive fifteen minutes earlier than their scheduled appointment time and stop in room___ this will be located down in the front lobby area. Thank you for time, and we will see you tomorrow.” I literally just timed myself and it took me 29 seconds to say all of that. Depending on the number of people that time adds up. Finding files-that takes time, especially when the files are not in the right place. There is literally 5-6 locations they could be in.
As for the Saturday, I did show up to work, no I didn’t have permission to be there. But I needed to catch up on those faxes and I knew I wouldn’t have time to do it on Monday because the secretary would be out. And I knew Tuesday (today) I would be exhausted. I’m not going to feel to guilty about it, because I know I made the job easier for me. He said the secretary was doing part of my job; literally from the moment I get there I am constantly working; her on the other hand, I have seen her when she has a minute; on her phone, checking out social media sites etc. Naturally she’ll be good at her job, she’s has four years of practice she’s found a system that works for “her.” Me on the other hand for the days I have to do her job when she’s out. I’m going to be slow at it, because the tasks that I do are things I only do once in a blue moon, so I have notes where i’m rereading and going step by step. The transition would be smoother if it was something I was doing every day. I can’t constantly be on the phone as much as she is answering calls, because those faxes and charts would never get put away. He kept looking at me like he wanted a specific reaction to what I was saying, but since I feel numb but with a hint of sadness, I was too detached to honestly be upset, all I know is, I simply must do better, and keep moving forward-when giving up seems easier….
I wonder how much should one endure before it’s no longer “giving up” but rather “surrendering to the inevitable.”
I feel as though all I received were critiques for all that i did wrong, and none for stuff I did right. At one point he said “I need you to do a LOT, but in a short amount of time.” I remember thinking “That’s not logical.” Well since he didn’t say it, I’ll go ahead and give myself a pat on the back. for those times, I found a chart no one else found. For the times I find something that is in the wrong place and I put it back in the correct place. For the time I take initiative and ask questions to gain a better understanding of the job (every day) For doing a really good job yesterday with finding charts during repair hour among st, people at my window and the phone constantly ringing, I thought I handled it like a trooper. It was definitely NOT a flawless day, there were quite a few hiccups, but I felt like I rose to the occasions and was able handle the situation and learned a lot, it went much smoother than last time. And you know what, all the patients left with smiles on their faces; so I must have done something right!
Despite, the fact that feel hopeless and down about life in general. I’m not going to lie, pretty much every day I just want to curl up into a ball and bawl my eyes out. I have the constant thoughts of “I’m not happy, I don’t want to be there.” Even still, I choose to put that damn smile on my face and give it my all. Even if no one else ever says anything; I’m proud of myself for at least trying, and giving my all when I am on the job. Today’s talk made me think, perhaps termination is next for me, plenty of people around the department are talking about job termination- not sure if it’s foreshadowing of anything…There’s a thought in back of my mind that says “Oh great; another fucking life curve ball.” Seriously, how many of these must I endure before life gets better?
And in other news, my horoscopes and daily tarot reading, and Facebook applications keep telling me that love is on the horizons- all I can think is, “I really don’t want that. I want cash” I want this financial nightmare to be over, I want time to solely focus on myself; and my needs and wants-without having to think or be concerned about others. Just because i’m quiet doesn’t mean I don’t care. I’m going at this alone; trying to do the whole “Tough Guy” act, but my depression doesn’t seem to be getting better; in fact it feels like it’s getting worse, today feels awful. Can’t talk to my family about this, for they’ll give me the whole “Oh, you’re having a hard; guess what so is everyone else!” or “You’re not depressed, I’M depressed, i’m on meds and see a therapist.” or “You’re probably, not depressed just sad.” Unfortunately, due to my brother setting the precedent with his depression and being so overt about everything “I’m depressed, i just hate my life so much!” well, his case is a little different he’s a narcissist with depression. Which means he tends to lash out and make others feel like crap as well. Whereas with me, I keep my thoughts to myself, for I know my family will not accept it. I’m thinking perhaps I should see a doctor secretly.
I hate how anti-social i’ve become, it’s hard to put yourself out there when you have this negative internal battle going on inside of you. A friend asked me out to dinner, I opted for lunch-less formal. Although, it’ll be nice to see him, all I can think is, what on earth am I going to talk about? I don’t have a social life, all I want to do is eat a little and sleep. I don’t have the motivation for anything and I sure as hell don’t have the cash! I hate being reminded of how poor I really am, when I hear others talk about presents, or trips to NYC etc.
IT would be nice if Lady Luck would come around and bless me with just enough luck to win the lottery jackpot.