Hello everyone, and welcome back. Hopefully all of you are having a great week. If you not; *nodding* I get it. Let’s recap shall we?
Last Friday, I had worked two full weeks. Friday was long tedious and towards the end I was ready to scream “Okay, who the hell put these last twelve folders in the bin when I only have ten minutes on the clock?” This was the “needs to be fax” box. I have to choose the correct cover letter sheet, I have to decipher what the doctor wrote (some people’s handwriting are atrocious!) then I have to check between this paper pamphlet or these two little books to find the doctor’s fax numbers. and If it’s not there I have to go online and look up the doctor, call their office and ask for the fax numbers. and you know some places close on certain days or they’ve gone to lunch, so message runs to voice mail (which sucks if it’s time to go; and I don’t want to wait 30 minutes to an hour to get a call back). On top of faxing information and charts, majority of the patients want copies-fine, you can send them to their house. But it’s when they want it to go to other places such as a facilities or a school. and then just put down that place’s name and not the address (-_-), then I have to go an look that up. I was speaking to speech secretary and I asked her (about this mom who wants a copy for herself and the school) If she were the parent would she prefer to get both copies (I was going to supply her with a envelope address to the school nurse) and then she could personally see to it that it get there. Or would she prefer to have one sent to her and one sent to the school? The secretary commented that it was a good question, she said for her personally she would rather have both copies. However, there is that whole issue of “what if she forgets to give it to the school” versus if we send it to both place, both are covered. So I sent them to both. After finally getting through all those charts (that happen to have these little notes that I can’t read on them-found out Monday-for the doc’s that work in two places the little notes are reminder and heads up not to file these files in our location for they belong to the other hospital-which isn’t a problem but it would have been nice if she had use clear handwriting, and told me about it. Mistakes can be avoided when you let the new person know. A little heads up would have been nice.-thankfully the charts got put in the file box-so she was able to get them all back- which brings me to another question-why am i faxing files for charts that have nothing to do with our office? ) I happen to look back at the file box and someone has added in another file to be fax, at that point it was like 3:24 pm (I was suppose to have left at 2pm) I put the files I had finished faxing in the needs to be file box. By that time; I was like “You know what fuck this, I’ll deal with it on Monday “By the time I clock out and get to the car it’s 3:28 pm before I start the car, I check my phone, to see if I got my deposit. My balance is showing zero, I’m thinking “you have got to fucking kidding me!” I remember Monday at Orientation the guy who looked like Dracula (the old one not the cute guy) went on about how it was the end of this pay period and pay day would be that Friday. So how I understood it was although I had started Monday, that Friday -although it would have been two weeks for me, its not two weeks for everyone else. Which sucks, because now I am really behind when it comes to my bills.
This really sucks, doesn’t help my brother keeps verbalizing our misfortunes every day, it’s like “yes, we’re poor” and “yeah, this is a sinking ship, yeah, we get it you’re not happy. But must you point out the obvious EVERYDAY?!” It also doesn’t help that bills keep rolling in, the water bill is due, the cable is over do, the power bill is due and they are threatening to cut us off. Plus, when I put money into my account for a bill, my bank was charging me for being under, so any money I put into the bank to go towards bills, never went to the bill, so all my bills are doubled.
And here is another kicker, our supplies are running, out. we are really close to being out soap-be it bars, hand wash, body wash, detergent for clothes-got desperate one day and washed my clothes in dish soap. Our food supply is getting lower-our food stamps money is and has been steadily getting lower. (I read somewhere that congress passed a law-and they are cutting back on the food stamps) – I know people tend to look down upon those who are on food stamps, and see them as lazy and not hard working- I wish people would realize that is not the majority, there are people struggling all around you-some may even be your own family members or neighbors.
My brother calls me unemotional, and says “No, I’M DEPRESSED-I TAKE MEDS; you’re just simply sad.” Which I totally call bullshit. I’m pretty sure i’m depressed. I have been unhappy as far back as I can remember, its just unlike him, I wasn’t coddle because I was lighter skinned or a boy, I was simply told to put a smile on my face and suck it up; the real world doesn’t care. Whereas with him, it was “oh, we have to protect his feelings” I also want to go on record for saying “with mental health-there isn’t one look that portrays a specific issues” Not everyone shows their symptoms in the same way, and if someone should openly admit to you; that they are having a hard time or hurting. You really should take that seriously (I’m not saying they have depression), but it does take a lot of courage to admit that you are not okay and that you need help. I don’t think its right to admonish someone’s feelings-truth be told, we don’t know everyone’s story and what they go through. I openly admit I do not know depths of my brother’s depression, or any of the crap he goes through;however, I do wish he would acknowledge and accept the fact that he is not the sole expert on depression nor the spoke’s person for it or anyone else’s feelings or intent.
I need new clothes, it was as I was looking through my closet, I realize that majority of my clothes look old, faded and tatter, my work pants (which fit better two weeks ago) are not really baggy on me. I lost a lot of weight, so its like “Yay for that, but now my clothes don’t fit” I’m hoping things get better and FAST. But when has luck really been on my side? Another thing that really bothers me, is my horoscope and tarot card reading daily. I hate that it tells me to be happy and go out and do something and enjoy life. But my feelings are, I just can’t shake these feelings between numbness and sadness, it’s like too much shit has happened and is still happening for me to act like I’ve made it to the top. Its like being in a nice restaurant with an awesome view of the city and the ocean, but as you look out into the city all you see is Armageddon, its like no matter how much wine the waiter pours you, you are NOT going to enjoy the meal. I keep telling myself “maybe, I’m just waiting for my first paycheck, for it to all feel real.” Maybe once I get my bills back under control I can breath. But the way things are going I don’t see it happening. I really need a hug.
Speaking of paychecks, I checked my estimated pay stub, Last two weeks I worked 49 hours.But according to my pay stub, it seemed like they were only going to credit me for those 40 hours. which means the nine hours didn’t get credited. The pay period is bi-weekly-every 40 hours (according to the handbook) so I’m wondering, if they wait until I get to 40 hours and then stop paying me. If that’s the case, then it’s 9 hours I didn’t get paid for.
Speaking of which I was asked by a friend if I wanted to be her Maid of Honor, my internal thinking was; to quote Sheldon from the Big Bang Theory…”…no….” But you can’t say that so I said “It depends of if I am still around, like if I win the lottery, I am out of here, and I will not be coming back. but I would be nice and send a kickass gift!” and she’s like “oh okay.” to which I replied “thanks for not being all like “Recie, you’ll most likely end up in NYC, you could drive 2-3 hours to come to wedding!” Her:”I wouldn’t make you come if you didn’t want to, as long as its a kickass gift.” Here is the issue I have with her wedding, she had openly admitted that this is a marriage of convenience, she doesn’t feel like she is going to find anyone else. He doesn’t seem to be in a hurry to leave or move on, and she’s somewhat happy-ish with him and she’s not getting any younger, so she’s going to settle-I kid you not, those were her words. The news didn’t shock me (b/c of the things she says about him to me, but then says a bunch of happy stuff in a FB status (the whole thing is very contradicting) So I knew the relationship wasn’t great, but I never expected her to openly admit she’s settling, which isn’t the worst thing in the world-people have married for less. Mind you, I take marriage very seriously,and I think it should be between two people who really do love each other, and accept each other and honestly WANT to be together. Who aren’t settling for each other because let’s face it, marriage and divorce is expensive! Then like, twenty minutes later she changes her tune; and goes on about how happy he’s being about the wedding “he’s like a little boy with a school yard crush; its just so cute”, and how happy she is and as I’m staring at my screen all I can think is “This Marriage is a Sham“ she picked this Shania Twaine song “Still The One” <- I honestly, think it would be the perfect song , if it described the couple. I think I would have been happier or rather better off; if she hadn’t told me the truth about this marriage. Then I could have gotten behind the idea of such a romantic, cozy, formal affair. It doesn’t help i’ve been roped into this, as the Maid of Honor, I’ll have to give blasted speech about a guy-I have yet to meet./a couple that’s suppose to be in love enough to walk down the isle.” She dropped a bombshell on me, and then tries to paint it off as the greatest love story ever told.And now in Spring of 2017 (the wedding) I will be expected to paint this off as one of the greatest love stories ever told.
The only good thing that happened to me this weekend, was when I had dream, I was living in a brand new city, in a spacious apartment all to myself and there was handsome neighbor who took me out on a bike ride to show me the city. His exact words to me were “Live a little kid, you’ll last longer.”